Everything Opposite

Chapter Thirty Six

Trigger warning

Ryleigh
Our contracts came the next day. I spoke with Josh and Tyler about it while Logan talked to Jack and Brendon. Both agreed that this was a good idea. I was beyond excited, yet there was this inner part of me that kept telling me this wasn't going to work. It felt right but I was nervous it would fall apart.

Josh talked with Debby and promised to come along with us to help me with Clarity until I get into the swing of things. We packed as quickly as we could and remained on the bus with the Waterparks boys. I was so exhausted all the time but seeing the fans and knowing I was doing what I wanted, helping people through music, helped. But at the same time, I was slowly letting myself fall back into old habits.

I found myself skipping meals, hardly eating at all for days at a time. At night, when nightmares haunted me, the cold metal became my friend. I hid it well by doing so on my thighs and hips, anywhere where people were less likely to see. I knew I needed a break but I wanted to finish this tour.

It took three months to wrap up the tour with Waterparks. In that timeframe, a relationship developed between Otto and I. He was going to move in with me when we got back to Columbus. He would help me with Clarity especially since she has started to get her first teeth. Writing was growing insanely difficult for me. Sometimes songs came easy and others left me sitting until I was too frustrated to continue. The label assured me to take my time. They wanted a good record, not one halfassed.

Some fans were supportive of our relationship while others attacked me from all sides. I saw photos of Zack, occasionally with a girl but, more often than not, he was with just his bass. I felt guilty. Part of me longed to go back in time to all those nights I spent with Zack but I also cared deeply for Otto. I longed to have his hands wrapped around me again.

**********

I sat staring out at the city with my songbook open in my lap. I had long since lost my focus. Alex had texted me to say he gave me a guestlist to their Columbus show tomorrow. Josh was in LA with Debby at the moment. Logan went out to tour to visit with Jack. I longed to speak with my brother and Logan about the things running through my mind but all I could manage was silence. Words wouldn't come, talking was impossible. "Hey, babe, she's finally asleep,"Otto said, coming up behind me with two water bottles and kissing my lips quickly and softly. "Thanks,"I said as he passed me a water.

"Are you okay?"he asked, knowing something was wrong. Otto took a seat beside me on the couch. "Not exactly,"I sighed. I ran a hand through my hair. Otto looked at me in concern, waiting for me to elaborate. He knew something was up, I kept my self harm hidden but he knew of my past attempts at ending my life. He knew everything about me. "Alex texted me. All Time Low has a show in Columbus tomorrow. They want me to come by. They want to see Clarity too. It's only fair, Zack's her dad after all,"I said. "Oh,"he said. I nodded and resumed staring out the window. Otto slid closer, putting an arm around me. I leaned my head against his shoulder, closing my eyes and wishing the pain I felt would just stop.

*******

"Clarity! Here I come!"I said, chasing after my daughter who was full of giggles as she crawled away from me. I picked her up, tickling her belly and blowing raspberries on it. This, of course, drew up more laughter. I passed her to Otto, who was walking in from the kitchen. He had just made lunch for Clarity. I was going to shower while he fed her. I decided it was only fair to go tonight.

Butterflies filled my stomach at the thought of seeing Zack again. I wasn't the same person he once knew. On my wrist was a new tattoo. It was three butterflies, they were in flight from inside my right wrist to the side, up by my thumb. I ran my fingers over it and walked into the bedroom I had been sharing with Otto.

I grabbed my ripped skinny jeans and a cutoff shirt that I'm pretty sure I stole from Alex. I walked into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I sat my clothes down then dug in the draw for my makeup bag, pulling out my old friends. Just when I felt I was moving past this, the urge to release hit me again. My fingers began shaking as they touched the cold metal. I really shouldn't do this but I can't help it.

I bit my lip, feeling my breath hitch. I brought the blade closer to my bare hip. With practiced precision, I made mark after mark until I felt blood running. I didn't feel satisfied, I knew I should stop but it felt impossible. "What's a few more?"I thought. Slowly, I brought the blade to my left wrist. I made four more small cuts before feeling enough that I rinsed the blade off and dropped it back into my bag. There was more blood than I expected but I was satisfied. I turned the water on hot and began to take a shower, letting the stinging of my wounds help me feel before stopping the crimson liquid from running altogether.

When I was done, I got dressed. I discovered we were out of bandages. Being extra quiet and careful I slid into our bedroom, grabbing one of my large hoodies and tossing it on. Once I knew I was covered, I returned to the bathroom to do my makeup including eyeliner. My beatup Converse finished off the outfit before I walked out to find Otto and Clarity watching TV. "Okay, baby, time to get dressed,"I said, not minding the pain throbbing in my wrist as I picked Clarity up and put her on my hip, taking her into the nursery.

A/N: Hey y'all! I'm back. Sorry I've been gone so long. Updates will still probably be irregular because I would rather give you a good chapter than one halfassed because I forced myself to write it. But I hope you enjoyed. How has life been? Thank you so much for all of your support! Much love!

B