Love Never Wanted Me

9

**One Week Later**

I wake up around three in the morning with a horrible stomachache. I blink my eyes open about halfway, adjusting my blurry vision to the dark bedroom. A wave of nausea washes over me and I think that I'm going to vomit right here in bed. Jesus, this is ridiculous. This is the third morning in a row that I've woken up like this. The random stomachaches usually lead to a horrible headache and me shivering for about an hour. Maybe I should get up and walk around; that helps sometimes.

I bundle myself up in a blanket and slowly start to sit up. Unfortunately, my stomach hurts even more so I just sit on the edge of the bed and let it settle. I let out a soft moan and wrap the blanket around myself even tighter as the nausea hits me again. I inhale and exhale a few even breaths, trying to keep myself from hurling all over the floor. God, this is awful.

Trying to shift my focus away from this discomfort, I turn my head and look back at Delilah, still fast asleep and curled up in the bedsheets. She looks so peaceful when she's asleep; it makes my heart pound. She doesn't even stir as I gently stroke her cheek. I smile and for a moment my pain is gone. I lean in closer and place a soft kiss on her forehead.

Delilah lets out a soft moan and blindly reaches out to me; "Where...going?" she mumbles, setting her hand atop mine. I can tell that she's not actually awake; she won't even open her eyes.

"Nowhere, babe," I whisper, brushing my hand through her hair, "Go back to sleep." She lazily nods and drifts back to a full sleep. I kiss her forehead again then slowly get out of bed.

I make my way to the living room and just stand by the window, watching the small rainstorm outside. The lights are off, but I don't really want to turn any of them on. It's kinda tranquil, really. Helps me think about the reason I feel so sick every morning. That one, little, powerful word that has changed everything for me:

Cancer. I have cancer.

The results of my biopsy had come back faster than I had anticipated, but I wasn't surprised. It was what I had feared, but I had come to terms with it. I didn't cry or yell or anything like that; I just sat there and let the doctor's words process through my mind. I guess I was so convinced of this result that the overwhelming shock of it just went by me. That doesn't mean I'm not upset or anything like that. I guess I'm just numb.

Delilah was incredibly calm. She just sat beside me, taking in all the doctor's instructions about chemotherapy and what happens next. I couldn't help but be impressed by her cool exterior. Then again, she's done this before. Maybe she's so calm because she's unfortunately so used to it.

Brendon took it hard. Truth be told, telling him that I had cancer was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. He's my best friend; Hell, I'd even go as far as to call him my brother. I didn't want to hurt him, and I knew this news would. But I also knew that I couldn't keep it from him. After I told him, we tightly hugged one another:

"No, no, no," he had said between tears, "You can't be sick. You can't leave."

I assured him that my death would be a long time off, but I'd be lying if the same thought hadn't crossed my mind. Eventually, this thing in my head will kill me. I can do chemotherapy and I can take some pills, but death is the ultimate outcome. Delilah had told me to face it head on, but that doesn't make it any easier.

I'm just not strong enough.

Thinking about what my new reality will be, I feel my eyes start to sting. No, I won't cry. I need to be strong about this. I dry my eyes with the edge of the blanket and walk closer to the window to watch the rain. As I watch the giant drops of water fall to the street below, I think to myself that maybe I too could fall and land like them; just hit the cold ground and dissipate into nothing. Maybe then this whole situation would go away.