Love Never Wanted Me

13

**6 Weeks Later**

Life has been a whirlwind since Christmas. Between the chemotherapy, moving back into my house with Delilah, and adjusting to living with this tumor, I haven't really had a moment to just sit back and process everything. My life has completely turned around and I'm doing the best I can to adapt. Some days are fine, some not so much. It's the depression that gets to me. The headaches have become manageable, as has the nausea, but the lows I fall into are the absolute worst.

Every day, my body is cartwheeling between getting weaker and growing stronger. The chemo has helped, but the treatment is awful. When it's done, I feel like my entire life force has been drained out of me. I'll sleep for hours, but when I wake up, I find it hard to move. Sometimes, I just feel so drained that I'll just lay there for the rest of the day. I expected the chemo to beat my ass, but I didn't expect these drastic lows.

I've only just started, but I hate it. I hate feeling like my whole body is falling apart. I hate sitting in that hospital, in that uncomfortable chair, while this cocktail of drugs gets shot through my veins. It's not easy to deal with and most of the time I feel like I'm just withering away. On my bad days, I feel so alone and broken.

I feel like I am nothing.

Brendon's been there for me, but he has his own life to lead. He can't be with me all the time and that's okay; I don't expect him to drop everything to take care of me. In fact, I told him not to.

Since it's at home when the real darkness sets in, when I feel extremely depressed and lost, I look for comfort in my little family.

My girls: Delilah and Rose.

If I didn't have them, I don't know how I'd be able to make it through the bad days. Those two have been my rock during all of this.
They've been doing their best to keep life going the way it always has, which is exactly what I want. I don't want our lives to change so drastically just because I'm sick.

My cancer shouldn't rob Rose of a normal childhood. God only knows that she's had to grow up too fast already.

Delilah told me what she and Rose had talked about at Christmas. It hurt, of course, to know that my little girl was worried about me. I should've known that she wouldn't take the news so easily. As Lilah told me all about their talk, part of me couldn't help but feel so proud of her. She handled it perfectly!

This woman, my sweet girlfriend, helped my daughter understand what was going on with me and then comforted her as if she were her own. It wasn't too long ago when she told me she was afraid that Rose wouldn't like her. Now, she's told me that she loves my daughter and wants to really be there for her through all of this. I couldn't be prouder, and my heart couldn't be fuller.

Delilah's really become a mother toward Rose, which is what I think she really needs right now.

Elsa hasn't reached out, and I honestly don't know how I feel about it. I don't care if she doesn't call me to see how I'm doing or anything like that, but she should keep in touch with her daughter. She hasn't even called to talk to Rose! She can go on hating me, that's fine, but to completely shut out your kid?! That I just don't understand.

Then again, I don't think I ever really understood her.

On this rainy February morning, I'm lying in bed with the covers wrapped around me as if I were about to be mummified in them. Tufts of my messy blonde hair are the only visible part of me. I'm all the way under the sheets and that's where I want to stay for the remainder of the day. I don't have chemo (Thank God!) but I'm still feeling kind of weak. The doctor gave me some pills to offset these kinds of feelings, but I don't know if they really help.