Love Never Wanted Me

12

"I'm sorry. You're doing what now?"

"Moving, Marc. I'm moving out."

"When? Where? What the hell, Delilah?"

Pinching the bridge of my nose is annoyance, I let out a heavy sigh. I've been on the phone with my brother for at least an hour now. He called from his ski lodge to wish me a Merry Christmas and, of course, check up on me; even from far away, Marcus still manages to find a way to hover over my life. He was asking what I was up to and so I told him: I was packing for my big move.

I honestly thought he'd be a little excited for me. His failure of a little sister was finally setting herself up for a bright future with a man that loved her. There was no need to hover anymore; he could let me be for once in my life. He would leave me alone to get on with my life in my own way.

Alas, he doesn't seem to be as excited as about all of this as I thought he would be.

"So, wait a minute," he says, clearly sounding aggravated, "you are leaving the apartment to go live with a complete stranger?"

"Patrick's not a complete stranger," I say with a sigh, "He's my boyfriend."

"That you've only known for a few weeks," he quickly snaps, "Delilah, you can't be serious about this guy."

"Why not?"

"Because you don't know him!"

"I do! I know him better than you think," I say, "We're close and I... I love him."

"Fuck off! No, you don't," he laughs, "You have no idea what that even means."

"Yeah, I fucking do," I snap, "Don't laugh at me and don't talk to me like I'm a child."

"Well, you're acting like one!" he says, "You are acting like a teenager! You're smarter than this. Don't throw your life away on a chance."

"This isn't just a chance," I say, "What the hell do you even mean by that?"

"Lilah listen to me," he goes on, "You've had a lot of tragedy in your young life. I know that anything that seems to be good or great right now might seem like the best thing for you, but you can't be sure that it is."

I furrow my brow and let out a scoff: "What the hell does that mean?" I ask, "you think that because my life has been so shitty up until this point, that I can't have a chance at something great?"

"No," he sighs, "I just think you need to be careful."

"I am being careful," I say, "Look, I get that this may come as a shock to you but, for the first time in a long time, I'm happy. I'm genuinely fucking happy. Patrick and I have something good going here, and I know it's fast, but it just feels right. You know, like we're meant to be together."

"Since when do you believe in shit like that?" Marcus scoffs, making me feel a little silly for saying that out loud.

He's right, in a way. I never used to believe in 'love at first sight' or soulmates or stuff like that. When you're playing the music scene in LA and spending your time taking heroin, you don't really think about long term relationships. That of course changed when I met Patrick. Christ, my whole life changed!

This is a good thing, an amazingly good thing. I don't want to lose this or mess it up in anyway. If Patrick's going to take risks on me, then it's only fair that I do the same.

"I'm going through with this, Marc," I say with as much confidence as I can muster, "Start looking for a new tenant or sell the place, I don't care. I'm out by New Year's."

"Delilah Joan," he says with a stern voice and that just sends me over the edge.

"Don't!" I snap, "Don't try and be Mom, okay? I'm 24 for Christ sake! You can't tell me what to do or how to go about my life. It's my life, Marc. Mine! I want to spend my hours with Patrick and writing music and finally being happy with who I am. As my big brother, that should be enough for you."