✔ Icebound » Justin Davis » Spinning Out

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The Monster Within

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"I know you're not happy with this decision. You probably hate me by now and I get it, but can you at least say something? You've been quiet during the whole roadtrip here" The honeyed, soft voice the girl had grown so used to echoed in her ears as she sat in the passenger seat of the car, her back leaning against the seat, searching for comfort to give into, but receiving anything but her desire for a minute of tranquility. 

Spending so much time around the person she couldn't run away from already seemed tiring to Alaska, but doing so for hours in a small space of a car appeared to be much worse, the attempts of small talk especially, ones she saw as nothing but small efforts from her mother to coerce any sort of emotion out of her, ones she ignored by closing her eyes, or looking for a distraction, a form of escape, amongst the many views that inundated her, ones that sometimes included soaring mountains, beaming humans, or the moon as it followed her ride, hopefully bearing better news. 

"What's the point? My opinion clearly doesn't matter" The first words in hours spilled out of her mouth as she continued to play with the hem of her shirt, many thoughts rummaging through her brain, ones she plainly wasn't able to catch up with. 

"You might not see it, but I'm doing it for you" Charlotte, her mother, cooed as she scoured through the conflict that arose within her own daughter. She knew Alaska was angry, there was no doubt about that. The way she fixated on her surroundings sternly, with furrowed brows and weary eyes, those once filled with love and joy, proved to the mother that her daughter was undeniably furious at all the havoc she had created in both their lives. 

 Things were never easy for the tiny family, but things were much better at a certain point in time. The woman loved her daughter, but at that point, was unsure if the girl had felt anything back. Charlotte greatly hoped that one day all would be forgiven and the two would get back to being a family, but deep in the burning aches of her heart, she knew, it would never quite happen. 

"No, you're doing it for you"! Alaska clenched her fists tightly as she averted her gaze from the store signs that surrounded her to her mother's eyes. The same glistening eyes infused with shades of greenery and forests that she once looked at to gain peace, were the ones she looked at with nothing but aversion that very moment "I was doing great back home. I had a steady partner, friends, memories, everything for me was back there and you insisted on going here! On taking everything away from me! And for what? Because you can't heal of your own guilt? That's not something I should be punished for" Her chest heaved up and down as she poured her truth, truth that had been heard many times amongst the tiny household. It was a recurring argument, one both knew would never come to an end. Never did their arguments end with stillness, or a satisfied heart, but rather reopened wounds and tearful eyes. Yet they kept arguing, for reasons they couldn't understand. 

If it had been up to her, Alaska would stay in Montana, her true home, but since she wasn't far from still being considered a teen, and didn't have much stable income on her own, she knew where her mother went, she would follow. There was a part within her that argued that perhaps a fresh beginning would do her some good, but her rational, troubling thoughts always won the battle, for no matter where the two went, she knew their past would follow, their first argument in their new home did nothing but prove that. They would forever be reminded of the unimaginable pain no matter what they did or where they escaped, it was a curse they were meant to live with. 

"We both know that it has been affecting your skating as well. You needed a break, a change of scenery" Charlotte insisted, while remaining as composed as she could, for she attempted to prove her point each time, and it would never achieve anything but anger the girl any further.

"No, you needed a break, a change of scenery" Alaska motioned quotation marks with her fingers "I know, I wasn't at my peak, but me and Gregg were doing just fine. We would've managed, together. That's a concept you don't seem to understand"! Alaska found her voice raising, something she wasn't proud of, but couldn't stop nonetheless. The pointless argument always resurfaced back. It seemed as though all that remained between her and her mother was anguish, and she hated it, for there were easier times filled with all the good between the two, ones she missed with all her heart.

 "Now you've brought me to a new place without an escape and I have to deal with you alone every single day. Mom of the year, what can I say"? Alaska clenched her jaw as she searched for a response from her mother, but opened her mouth to speak before the woman could utter out a word, the girl's notorious impulsiveness kicking in "You know what, I'm not going to give you the satisfaction of trapping me here"! The girl huffed before pushing the passenger door open and climbing out of the vehicle, her body colliding with nothing but the harsh, frigid temperature in return, sinking in it as though it was a protective shield. Normally, with an additional overcoat, she would manage just fine, but the stay inside the car was warm, and her favorite coat that engulfed her warmly and rescued her each time was stuck inside. Alaska had gotten her stubbornness from her mother, a detail she mostly ignored, not wanting to be emotionally related to the woman who brought so much havoc to her life. As the cold threatened to swallow her whole, Alaska knew that she would rather freeze, than succumb to the argument and join her mother in the car. 

"What do you think you're doing!? Get back in here! You're gonna get a cold, and you've got training tomorrow"! The brunette yelled as she rolled down the windows and called out to her daughter who began walking the opposite direction. Truthfully, Charlotte expected her daughter to mutter out a joke and return to the car due to the weather, but as her daughter's feet picked up the pace, she felt her heart sink "You don't even know where our apartment is, Alaska. Come on"! She felt herself fill with worry as she stared at her daughter saunter off, not knowing where she was going, and the possibilities bringing fear to her on a silver plate.

"Send me the location, I'll be fine"! The girl gritted her teeth as she sent a small gaze to her mother, knowing that she was undoubtedly worried, and having a legitimate reason for it "I need a break from this" She muttered to herself as she turned her body swiftly and jogged off in an attempt to create more distance and produce some heat within her. She chose a playlist on her phone and turned the music back on as she let her body take her wherever, not caring much about where she would end up, knowing that all she needed to do was disconnect her thoughts for the night. 

Charlotte opened her mouth to speak, considered to even drive after her daughter, but as she watched the girl head off, she figured it was for the best. When Alaska set her mind to do something, no soul could move her. She was unstoppable. That was what made her such a good skater, but a challenge to get along with. 

The woman leaned her arms on the wheel as she let out a sigh that turned to glacial steam within seconds. The girl was right, it was Charlotte's guilt that brought them to Sun Valley, her fault for ever leaving their home in the first place. But contrary to Alaska's thoughts that found her mother's decisions to be selfish, her mother had other reasons for leaving home, reasons her daughter couldn't see.

In her heart Charlotte knew that if getting the girl to open her heart, meant being seen as nothing but a selfish monster, so be it, so long as her daughter would have a genuine smile on her face again.

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