Only Human Twilight

25

I slept off and on, lying on the bed next to Edward. I could never stay asleep for long – though it was more comfortable than the chair in the hospital had been, Edward's occasional cries would wake me. He never fully screamed, fighting to hold the sounds in, but I had a feeling it was only a matter of time.

Carlisle was thoughtful enough to bring me food, enough to feed several people, but I was grateful for every bite. It had been several days since I'd eaten more than a nibble here or there. Still, it was hard to feel comfortable or content when Edward was in so much pain.

Would he hate me for this? I couldn't blame him if he did – his pain was clearly excruciating, and the sight of it caused a harsh ache in my chest. I would gladly trade places with him if it could save his life, but of course, it could never be that easy. And I knew what he would think of himself once he learned what he would become...another reason for him to resent me. I could very easily be ruining everything.

I tried to imagine what he would say if I could ask him, but I could come up with nothing...and I hated that helplessness. Surely I should know what my own husband would want. Whether he would prefer death to becoming a vampire...whether he would curse me for not preventing all of this...I wanted my suspense to be over with. I wanted to be with him, even if he would spurn me in the next instant.

"What's troubling you, Bella?" I jumped, startled. I hadn't heard Carlisle come into the room; usually he made a little noise to announce his presence. Evidently, the turmoil in my mind was written on my face.

"Do you think he'll hate me for this? He's always despised himself for what he is...what if he can't forgive me for coming back in time, knowing what would happen and not doing a thing to prevent it?"

Carlisle took the chair beside the bed, frowning thoughtfully. "Bella, I've wandered this earth for over two hundred years now, and while I may lack personal experience, I think I can safely say from observation that most people would do anything to keep hold of the kind of love you show for young Edward. Perhaps Edward will come to hate what he is – but I don't think he'll mind so much when that leads him to you."

"Would you feel the same?" I asked desperately.

Carlisle shrugged. "I've come to terms with what I am – but keep in mind that I'm already older than your Edward will be when you meet him in the future. I don't mind my life. It's not exactly what I would wish, but I accept my limitations...and I hope. I hope that one day, my work will be rewarded. That one day, I'll have more than a reason to go on living, but a reason to enjoy life as well."

"You will," I promised him, inspired as always by Carlisle's story. I hoped that Edward would one day find such peace, even if he couldn't forgive me immediately for my part in his fate.

"Thank you, Bella," he sighed. "That knowledge will sustain me."

Edward cried out then, and I devoted all my attention to him.

Twenty-four hours passed, and he continued to struggle against his pain, to keep it inside, though he didn't seem to have a rational reason to do so. I could tell he no longer recognized me – perhaps he tried not to scream simply for something to focus on other than the pain.

I did my best to soothe him with cool water, afraid to stray too far from his side. I ate again, and fell asleep curled up against him. When nearly 48 hours had passed, I woke to a sharp scream and a pain in my arm. I realized Edward was grasping my wrist for dear life, his fingers unnaturally and dangerously tight around the small bones. I couldn't ask him to let go, however. I waited for him to relax a bit, and he finally loosened his clasp.

I could barely stand to watch, but I couldn't turn away. His eyes remained open wide, unseeing and edged with terror. The tendons in his neck and arms stood out as he strained against the venom coursing through him. His nails tore holes in the bedspread beneath him.