Astraea

-19-

Enjoy 🖤

I don't know how word of my personal life had gotten to the members in the organization so fast. Everyone looked uncomfortable at the meeting. Luxane walked in exactly on time and didn't give anyone a chance to bring up the subject. He was all business and cold as usual. After the meeting he waited for me and we walked out together. The car ride home was unbearably silent. Once we got to the comfort of our house I finally decided to break the icy atmosphere that had settled like a poisonous viper ready to suffocate.

"Lux"- I broke off taking a deep breath. He just looked back up me with an expressionless face. "I hate where we are, have you ever been so broken that you don't know how to fix yourself? Try as much as you possibly can and yet it is not enough. This is how I feel almost as if I am helpless. At times I just don't know what to do to make okay. I know I seem fine, but sometimes I play the role so well that I manage to convince myself that I'm okay when I'm not. I personally think that there are moments where I am struck by reality so harshly and deeply that I cannot lie to myself. I was broken before I met Jamie, he just exacerbated everything. I was enamoured by you. I wanted to be the person you saw me as."

I cringed a bit at that because even to me that sounded lame. "I promise to try to be more open to communicate better." I smiled weakly at him. "He exhaled and looked deeply into my eyes. Whatever he saw satisfied him because he then grabbed my head and pulled me towards his chest. We stood in this position for a moment. I had never felt so safe in my entire life, regardless of the irony. We drove home and took a bath together. This intimacy was exactly what I had needed. We were seated in the bath with my back against his chest. He had asked me in a quiet voice to tell him about Jamie and no bullshit. Even though I was afraid to be vulnerable and completely let him in, I told him about one of the darkest periods of my life. He listened attentively and asked a few questions now and again, he never interrupted me or expressed disgust in his tone. I did feel his body flinch at times but that was the extent of his reaction. "Luxane", I broke off interrupting the gentle silence that had settled between us after I was done recounting my past.

 He answered, "Why have you never asked me about the cuts on my arms. I know for sure you have seen them," I implored quietly. It bothered me a bit that he had never asked even after all this time we had spent together. I couldn't help but wonder if he just didn't care enough or he was just tired of all the factors and expressions of my brokenness that he chose to ignore my scars. Or simply, he just did not care enough to inquire. I felt peaceful Luxane and knew that he loved me but there cracks now and again that even I struggled to fix.

Whilst drawing circles with bubbles on my arm that had the cast on it. He sighed deeply then gently turned my body around to face him. "I just... knew you would talk about it when you are ready. Before you, I had never met anyone with those scars. I can't even begin to imagine the kind of pain that drove you towards that but all I can say is that I love you and I am here." His eyes shone with sincerity and I began to cry uncontrollably. He just held me until I managed to calm down. I had been waiting for so long to be saved but what I realized in that moment was that I didn't want to be saved I just didn't want to be judged. I wanted to be accepted as I was scars and all.

The drug lord accepted me.

This thought had me laughing uncontrollably. Helooked at me quizzically. I shook my head, "Thank you for accepting me andloving me." I beamed up at him. He laughed gently. He helped me wash my bodyand then washed his. We were in towels and back in the bedroom. I watched myman as he scrolled through his phone, probably reading reports and emails. Mydesire suddenly spiked and I wanted him there and then. I walked up to him andgrabbed his towel, revealing his body to me for my sole perusal andenjoyment. He looked unbothered until Ipushed him backwards towards the bed. I jumped him and straddled his lapalready feeling the pressure of his dick between my thighs.