Stay With Me

22

Dead watched silently as Vanessa stepped into the bathroom to take a shower, trying to restrain himself from taking her the moment they had gotten into the house. His fingers danced around the edges of the small box Hellhammer had given him after he dropped them off. Tearing off the top of the box, Dead grabbed one of the small packets from inside before tossing the box onto the floor and making his way across the hallway to the bathroom.

His stomach tightened as he quietly opened the door, the growing pain in his lower half starting to become unbearable as he listened to the soft hum of her voice, completely unaware he was in the room. It was almost unreal...the way she could make him a crumbling mess just by being in his presence. A world so full of chaos, stress, and anger suddenly melted away like snow in a desert when she was near him, as if the world finally made sense.

Silently stripping out of his clothes, careful not to make a sound, Dead pulled open the shower curtain, the boiling water touching his skin. The feeling almost made him pull back until his eyes landed on her. Stepping into the shower completely, Dead reached his arms around her, smiling as she turned around in his arms.

The fear in her eyes was quickly replaced with their usual joy. "Pelle..."

Putting a finger against her lips, Dead silenced her; the silence that surrounded them one he didn't want to let go of. Keeping her eyes locked with his she took hold of his hand, giving each finger a feather light kiss. His eyes closed as his left hand gripped her tighter, fighting off the overwhelming urge to pull her out of the small room and back to the bedroom. No, this was enough for the Swede...to be able to be alone with her in complete silence as the hot water cascaded down his back.

Her hands moved to his shoulders, massaging them as she watched him relax under her touch. The tension in his body was evident, sleeping on a mattress on the floor did little favors for him. Maybe after the tour she could start putting away more money to be able to afford a small space for the both of them to live in with a proper bed. She wondered if his joining Mayhem to begin with contributed to some of the stress he was constantly under.

Euronymous certainly hadn't exactly helped to make him feel more comfortable after he moved here, not to mention the lack of money and food they dealt with on a regular basis unless Hellhammer or Necro managed to cook something.

Don't focus on all that. She scolded herself. Focus on him, focus on what's happening now.

Vanessa pushed against the vocalist, motioning for him to turn around so his back faced her. Her breathing stopped for an instant as she took in the dozens of scars that decorated his back. Fingers lightly running across one that ran down the length of his spine, stopping just above his pelvic bone, she stepped closer to him, pressing her lips against his shoulder blade. His hands reached for hers as he turned back around, his blond hair now sticking to the sides of his face.

Vanessa couldn't help but wish she could freeze time at that moment. Somehow it felt as though she were seeing him for the first time all over again. Only this time, every ounce of innocence, vulnerability, sadness, and fear was written across his face like an open book. A side of him that no one had ever truly gotten to know before his death; at least no one that wasn't his family. Yet then again, how much did he show them? Was he ever this open with them, or was he just good at putting on a mask to keep them from worrying about him? Whatever they case, she considered herself lucky to be able to witness it for herself.

Vanessa was the first to break the silence. "You are the most amazing, most incredible, beautiful being I've ever met, Pelle. Don't ever let anyone make you believe otherwise."

Blinking away the water in his eyes, Dead tightened his hold on her. "I love you, and I'm terrified. I have never been so...so weak in front of another person before."

"Pelle, you don't have to be afraid anymore."

"I trust you."

~

Dead could feel the heat rise inside his chest all the way down to his stomach as he fought the urge to throw the strange device out into the snow. The music as she called it sounded worse than anything he had ever heard before, plunging a knife into his eardrums would have been better than listening to this woman continue her so called singing. How Vanessa could actually enjoy the abomination was a mystery to him, yet here she was swaying her hips and singing along with the awful woman. Looking down at the device in his hands, Dead tried desperately to remember exactly how to change the music. She had shown him at least four times already but had left him to figure it out on his own now in order to get more used to the cursed thing.

It's going out the window if I can't figure this shit out. What the hell happened to music?

Pushing a small button on the upper left side, the device turned back on displaying the screen that showed what 'song' was playing. Tapping on one of the arrows, the dreadful noise stopped as it skipped to the next song. Dead smirked triumphantly, proud that he had managed to get the stupid thing to finally turn back on after almost five minutes. His smirk quickly fell as a familiar tune filled the room.

It can't be...

"...Where the fuck is your fear of death?"

These lyrics, they're mine!

His head jerked up, looking at Vanessa she looked over at him.

"This song is my absolute favorite," she laughed. "It always put me into such a good mood when the ending came on. I always wondered what kind of faces were being made when they made that part."

Dead forced a laugh, the memory of recording that song fresh in his mind. The ending of the song had been something he had come up with out of boredom, nothing to really be taken seriously, but it had been funny enough that they ended up keeping it on the track. Morbid had been one of his prized projects, something that he could call his many moons ago; at least until he had heard about Mayhem.

Wanting so badly to impress the guitarist, he left Morbid behind and acted as though they had meant nothing to him even though that was the furthest thing from the truth. Maybe if he had stayed in Sweden with them he wouldn't be stuck in what felt like Hell with Euronymous. He would have been home with his brother, people who cared about him instead of putting him down and trying to steal what belongs to him. Maybe he would have even still been alive.

But if that were the case, would I have met her?

His mind almost couldn't comprehend the thought of such a small decision making such a drastic change. Maybe it wasn't too late to go back to Morbid. Vanessa was here now, they could go back to Sweden and live with his parents, and he could reform Morbid while going to art school part time. His parents would welcome both of them with open arms if it meant he would come back home, they expressed their concern for him in almost every letter they wrote to him.

Yes.

Once this tour with Mayhem was over, he would tell Euronymous he was done and take Vanessa back home with him. If Mayhem was to be as successful as she believed they would be with him, then Euronymous could figure out how to do it without him. The guitarist may have changed how he behaved as of late, but that didn't make up for all the times he had tormented him, had made him feel completely worthless unless he came up with dozens of new songs at a time. Hellhammer and Necro would understand his decision, they had seen how Euronymous had treated him. He just needed to hold out a little while longer...then he could be free.