Stay With Me

25

The cold numbed him as he stood in front of the door of the house, his stomach turning furiously inside him. He reached out, fingers twitching in the freezing wind as he hesitated. He didn't want to go in just yet, didn't want to be right in his suspicions. Yet as he reached out for the doorknob, his fingers twitching and shaking in the freezing wind, Dead opened the door where the sounds of her heavy screams filled his ears.

It was the kind of scream he had become familiar with...he had made her make those same screams for him many times before during their love making. Each scream, every moan, and every cry sent a chill down his spine as he walked slowly towards the bottom of the staircase. His trembling hand clung to the railing as he tried to steady himself enough to begin up the stairs. His legs carried him up the stairs, but it felt as though some force around him pushed him forward despite his internal protests.

No.

This wasn't something he was ready to see. He didn't want to see it. The thought alone was enough to make his heart explode. He wanted to wake up from this nightmare...

Please don't...not her...not...him...

The door to what used to be their room opened on its own, the screams ever louder as his eyes clamped shut, trying to tune out the voice he craved so much. He could hear her cry out, just as she always had done when he made love to her...

But it wasn't his name she called...no...not this time...

"Øystein!" she called.

His heart shattered, eyes snapping open with tears flowing hot down his cheeks. The sight before him made it hurt even more so as he watched Euronymous touch and pleasure the woman he loved.

"Stop this..." he begged, but no sound left his lips as he sank to the floor.

Vanessa smiled as she clung tightly to Euronymous as he filled her, his own moans of pleasure mixing with hers as they kissed in front of him.

"Stop this..."he begged once more.

It isn't real! Wake up! Wake! Up! NOW!

Dead shot up in his seat, the sweat dripping from his head as he looked around. A deep sigh of relief escaped him as he leaned back once more. It had only been a nightmare.

Thank God...

"Vi ska anlända till Sverige om tjugo minuter!" came a deep males voice from over the speaker.

I'll be home soon...

The train would be arriving in twenty minutes and Dead dreaded the thought of returning home already. The emptiness inside him had begun to manifest into something more familiar; anger. Anger towards someone he had once considered a friend who had now gone so far as to stab him in the back and steal away his one chance at happiness, someone who he had hoped he could trust once more after everything they had been through. He had wanted to believe Euronymous had changed, that he meant what he said about staying out of his relationship. He hated the guitarist now more than he ever hated anyone in his life.

His anger for Vanessa was not nearly as bitter. There was no denying that the blonde loved her still with all his soul, but the hurt she had put into him was not something he would easily forgive. He had given her every last part of him only to have it thrown away like old trash. He had even stopped cutting himself for her! The last bit of control he had over himself and he gave it up just so she wouldn't worry about him.

Fuck it. He thought harshly. If I want to bleed then I will. Let her be happy with that backstabbing mother fucker. See if I give a shit.

He sighed. You know you give a shit. You should have stayed and fought for her. Showed her you were better than Euronymous instead of running like a damned coward.

Should he have stayed? Was it worth the fight? Euronymous wasn't big by any means but he knew Dead wasn't much of a fighter. The beating he had given the man in the club was the first time he had ever really fought someone, but even that was just out of pure anger and adrenaline. Dead highly doubted he would win in a fight with the guitarist with his heart so badly broken. And even if he did somehow manage to win, would she even want him then? Just because he fought doesn't mean it would win her back. She was no prize to be won in a contest and he knew that, but that didn't stop him from wanting to win her heart again.

The train slowed to a stop at the station, his already pounding heart speeding up as he caught a glimpse of his mother and brother. The two both wore bright smiles on their faces as they eagerly awaited his return. None of his family had wanted him to go and join Mayhem in the first place, his father wanting to send him to art school instead while he continued playing with Morbid. Well, if he had the time to still be playing with them.

His eyes fell to the floor as he stood from his seat, walking slowly forward with the other passengers following behind. His eyes burned as the light shined down onto the snow covered ground, the pain almost unbearable, yet almost comforting. Forcing himself to keep his eyes open, Dead savored the pain it gave him trying hard to feel anything at this point other than the tortuous hurting inside his chest.

His mother was the first to greet him as he stepped off the train.

"Pelle!" she called out as she ran to him.

Dead could only half listen as his mother pulled him along, talking about people she had been talking to, what the family had been doing, amongst other things he didn't much care for. It seemed as though she hadn't noticed that Dead wasn't listening to what she was saying as she continued to talk while his brother Anders joined in. Dead wanted to scream then and there, wanted to turn around and run back onto the train before it left and beg Vanessa to reconsider everything...His body remained on auto-pilot as he followed his mother and brother to the car that would soon take him home.

No...Not home... He thought, shaking his head. Home is with her...Home is in her arms where I belong...But she doesn't want me anymore...

Maybe, just maybe, one day she would come back to him...maybe one day she would love him again.