Stay With Me

~1991~

Dead stared out into the crowd, the sweat dripping into his eyes mixing with the blood that covered his white face. Euronymous stood to the left of him waiting for him to continue with the show, an almost proud expression in his eyes as Dead plunged the knife deeper into his arms, the blade coming out on the other side of his wrist while the other glided along the side of his neck; deep enough to bleed out, but not enough to kill him.

They love it...

Euronymous all but smiled at the thought. He could hear Dead cry out at night from across the hall, his nightmares getting steadily worse. He had been glad when Vanessa had come around just for the fact that Dead had stopped screaming for someone to stay with him. Now it was just him screaming for her to come back. Doing shows seemed to help ease the stress off everyone for a while, but once the show was over things were right back to how they had been before.

I almost feel sorry for him.

The thought didn't stay with him long. Watching Dead smear more of the blood across his face as the remaining fans cheered him on, Euronymous began the opening for the next song. A blare in the fog, a spark of light, and suddenly the crowd is confronted with an enormous creation of fury and hatred. Two vicious eyes stare out with a hungry, almost crazed expression as Dead releases a blood curdling scream like something out of the depths of Hell itself.

Tossing his head back, Euronymous lost himself in the music.

Why can't it be like this all the time?

The vibration that came from the speakers, making his chest tighten in excitement as he continued to play the riffs. Even Necro's bass had made its way into his system like an infection without a cure. Sure he would be sore in the morning, his ears still ringing the way they always did after a show, but it was always worth the high that came with it.

Just let the music take me.

~

Dead stared through unblinking eyes at the ceiling of his bedroom, unsure of how much time had passed. Turning his head to look at one of his more recent drawings, if one could call it that. He had tried his best to recall every detail, every line, even the spark in the eyes, only to still be missing something. This drawing didn't look like her by any means It was messy with lines as jagged as stones...but it would do for now.

Vanessa smiled down at him, her fingers running through his hair as he rested his head in her lap. Reaching for her free hand, Dead held it tightly in his grasp. The feel of her skin against his sent shock-waves throughout his entire body. Every ounce of love she had for him, he could feel in the depths of his soul. He waited for her to say that she was leaving him again, to say she would be back soon, but nothing was said.

He looked at her with questioning eyes. "Are you really here with me?"

Her smile faltered, wanting to ease his pain. "Only for now. Just enjoy the time we have together."

"Am I dreaming?"

Closing her eyes, the smile on her face was gone completely. "I'm sorry, Pelle."

"Why isn't it another nightmare?"

"I don't have an answer for that," she answered, putting a finger against his lips. "Just be quiet and rest."

"I'm sorry I didn't listen to you. I'm sorry I..."

"Pelle, I already forgave you. Close your eyes and sleep for once. I'll be with you again soon, but right now I need you to sleep."

Putting a hand against her cheek, Dead let out a heavy sigh. "If you kiss me, will I feel it?"

Vanessa didn't have time to think of an answer before she felt the pressure of his lips on hers. He lingered for a moment before pulling back. His eyes burned, wanting so badly to cry but couldn't. There was no feeling that came from the kiss at all. The only feeling between them was a steady pressure, no spark, no emotion...

No love.

The pain shook him as he cried out, holding her against him silently begging to feel her close again.

"Come back!" he cried, his voice broken as the sobs racked his body. "Come back to me."

Vanessa could only cry with him, her heart broken. "I'll be with you soon, Pelle. It's not much longer, just hold on for me. I need you. I love you."

"Don't leave me!"

"Pelle!"

His eyes snapped open, taking in his surroundings for a moment before relaxing back onto the mattress. Euronymous knelt beside him, a mixture of annoyed and worry in his eyes as he watched the vocalist's moves.

"You had another nightmare," he explained. "It sounded worse than before."

Dead shook his head frantically. "It wasn't a nightmare. I could almost feel her this time. She was touching me but I couldn't feel her like before. I couldn't feel her love this time."

Euronymous fought the urge to roll his eyes. "I'm no doctor but I'm pretty sure this isn't healthy."

Clawing his pillow, Dead forced himself up. The lack of sleep he had been getting was apparent. The ache in his body was nothing compared to the burning sensation that coursed through his head and into his eyes. There was a slim chance that he would actually be able to write much of anything today if the headache didn't stop.

I need to go to the pharmacy if this shit doesn't stop.

Why? What's the point? You did this to yourself, you deserve whatever pain comes your way.

Clamping his eyes shut, Dead tried his best to block out the voice.

I don't think I can do this.