no one said it would be easy

Chapter 13 - friends

Casey

I jump off of Izzie, as I hear Evan's voice. We are fully dressed but I instinctively grab the sheets to cover Izzie and me.

This situation is far more than awkward. Indeed awkward couldn't describe this situation at all. This situation is confusing, wrong in every possible way and - most of all - hurtful for Evan.

He's still standing in the doorframe, holding the doorknob with one hand and nervously fiddling with the fabric of his jeans.

„Evan-", I start, but I realize I don't know what to say. I was never the one who knew what to say. He was that.

„Uhm...", Evan speaks, but even he can't find the right words now. „I-I-I wanted to pick up some stuff. Uh, I didn't text you, my phone broke, so... uhm yeah", he stutters, signalizing he's done his job in trying to relax this tension.

I feel Izzie moving around next to me. She's nervous and she finds this whole setting here just as embarrassing as I do.

She gets up, and I can see her top moved a bit over her shoulder, exposing her right collarbone. Izzie notices me staring and quickly fixes her top.

„Hey Evan", she speaks, not looking him in the eyes. Evan doesn't even notice she's not able to look at him, since he's glancing at me what feels like forever.

With every second I feel more and more uncomfortable and this sudden urge to grab my sneakers and run the fuck away from here occurs to me. But I can't run away, I never can, and I especially can't run away now.

Izzie's standing beside the bed now and she's still in her pyjamas: „I - uhm - I'll get ready in the bathroom and then I'll go downstairs", Izzie says, turning her head to look at me now, „Your mom said something about needing my help. I'll leave you guys alone", she goes to the wardrobe, grabs the next thing she sees, looks at me one last time and with that, she walks out of my room into the bathroom.

And now it's just Evan and me, in this room where we used to spent so much time in.

He walks over to me and sits down where Izzie and I were making out just minutes before. I bet the spot's still warm and I bet Evan's just as uncomfortable as I am.

„Elsa let me in...", he starts again, and I still don't know what to say.

He leans forward, putting his elbows on his knees and ruffling his own hair.

„Could you please don't look at me like that?", he suddenly asks.

„What, how am I looking at you?", I counterquestion, because I really don't know what he's meaning.

Evan still leans forward, but he turns his head to face me. He looks exhausted, somehow like he hasn't laughed in a while. And he lost weight.

„You look at me like I am a wounded puppy", he softly speaks. It almost sounds like a whisper.

„And I won't lie, I am hurt, but what's hurting most is the fact you won't look at me like you used to before. I mean before we started dating", his eyes start watering.

„I'm sorry, Evan", I apologize and suddenly I'm thankful for my instinct to put the covers over my body. It's like a shield now that protects me from this conversation and hides my nervousness behind it.

He starts moving around to face me with his whole body now.

„How are you?", he asks.

I would've never thought an easy question like this could be so hard. If I tell him I'm happy I'll hurt him. If I tell him I'm not happy I'd lie. And I don't want to betray him again.

„I'm alright", I answer, which isn't particularly the truth, but it's not a lie either.

„What about you?", I ask in response.

„I'm okay I guess. I got into EMT. I'm starting next week", he says.

„Oh my god, Evan are you serious?! This is fantastic, I'm so happy for you!", and I am. This is the truth. Evan found out what his destination is and is working hard for it.

„Yeah, it's great", and his eyes are lighting up just thinking about it. And maybe because I'm so happy for him.

His eyes wander around the room and land on the sheep he got me after my appendix was removed.

„You kept it", he speaks, his voice almost not audible.

„I'd never give ‚angry sheep' away", my voice is almost a whisper and why the hell do I feel so fucking cold now?

„It's true what I said, you know?", Evan lowers his head and starts massaging the palm of his hand with his thumb.

And again, I don't know what to say.

„Casey, I miss you. Maybe we could be friends after all?", Evan says, and by the way he's looking at his feet I can tell it's taking all of his courage to ask me this.

A soft smile forms on my lips and I tell him: „I'd love to be your friend."

Evan smiles back and I know he doesn't hate me anymore and maybe he never did. He's too good of a guy and I am a mess, and he's soft and calm and I am energetic and irascible.
And maybe the old adage „opposites attract" is only meant for friends.