no one said it would be easy

Chapter 25 - our decision

Casey

„So what now?", I ask, looking at the reflection of the sunset on the water surface. We've been here for about an hour and we still haven't talked about what the fuck we're supposed to do now. I got into UCLA. Izzie didn't.

Izzie grabs a handful of sand and lets it run through her fingers. I brought Twizzlers with us when we headed out earlier, thinking it would cheer her up, but I should have known that some snacks at the lake we told us we love each other wouldn't fix shit. She didn't eat or drink anything.

I hand her a bottle of water and she grabs it, but after a few gulps she gives me the bottle back.

"Come on, Iz. At least drink some water", I insist, but she doesn't react as if I didn't say anything.

After a few seconds, she lifts her head and watches the sunset. A duck flies closely above the water surface and lands with a splash.
I start chewing on the inside of my cheek until I taste the typical taste of iron from blood.
Izzie takes a deep breath and exhales very slowly. Her right hand is massaging her temples and her eyes are closed.

"You're going to UCLA", Izzie says while nodding slowly.

"But-"

"No. You are going. I won't let you give up your dream only because I can't achieve mine", she turns her head and locks eyes.

I shake my head: "UCLA was always our thing. I don't want to go to UCLA without you! It's you who came up with the idea, now don't make me go to a whole other state alone."

Silence.

I look her deeply in the eyes, almost begging her to consider me going to another college.
"...A whole other state without you near me", I add.

Izzie puts her face in her hands and I can see how frustrated she is getting. After some time she lifts her head again and rubs her hands together. Little clouds of hot breath escape her mouth. It's getting cold.

I strip down my jacket and pit it around her shoulders like a blanket.

She looks at me again "Newton", she starts, "You will go to UCLA. And you will go without me."

"Izzie I-"

"Casey!", she raises her voice and shuts me up with the sudden change of tone. "Listen to me: I cannot let it happen, that you will go to another college and give up your dreams, just to be near me. I can't and I won't. You will go to UCLA and I will try to get into a college nearby."

"But we won't see each other that often", I point out.

She sighs, "That's true". Izzie plays with the sand again, drawing different shapes. "We should decide if we want to try living in a long distance relationship or if we..." she gulps and I already know what she's about to say.

"...or if we should end things before it gets too complicated", I end the sentence for her.

"Yeah", Izzie answers.

She starts shivering a bit and I scoot up from behind her, wrapping my arms around her torso and burying my head in her neck. I inhale her scent. She smells like vanilla and strawberries.

I feel her laying against me and I'm glad for her affection.

"We will make it", I say into her neck, placing a soft kiss on the skin. "It will be hard and stressful and I will be missing you after like two days already... But we will make it. We will last. I promise."

The corner of her lips lift a bit and I can almost see how my words took a load off her mind.
She lifts her head and gently kisses my jaw "I love you", she whispers.

In return I kiss the top of her head, telling her "And I love you".