I sat on the sofa watching the final race of the year. I was dressed in a pair of leggings and my Ferrari top. As I watched Seb go past the final corner and across the line I let out a deep breath. I loved watching him race but I was always nervous. One little thing can cause a massive accident and that instilled a fear in me that I couldn't push away.
I took out my phone and sent him a congratulatory text, knowing he wouldn't be the happiest with his 5th place result. I placed my phone down and made myself some dinner and had a shower.
Sebastian had texted me back thanking me and telling me he couldn't wait to see me tomorrow. I curled up under my duvet and scrolled through social media. Sebastian wanted our relationship to stay as private as possible, so much so that no one knew that he even had a girlfriend. The good part of that was that I could use my social media like any normal person. I scrolled through my feed, seeing lots of uploads of everyone celebrating the end of the season. Drivers and their partners smiling. Charles and Seb posing with some women, one of them I was fairly certain was Charles' girlfriend but I wasn't sure who the other one was. I scanned through the comments, the majority of them assuming the woman was Sebs girlfriend. I sighed and placed my phone on my bedside table.
I wished that I was there. I wanted to go support him at races, not stuck at home being his little secret. Not having to rely on FaceTime to make our relationship work.
I stared at the ceiling all night, a million different thoughts raced through my head. Did he really want to be with me? Is he embarrassed of me? Was I not pretty enough? Was there someone else? Someone slimmer, funnier, someone he was proud to tell people he was in love with.
I sat on my windowsill and watched the sunrise. My eyes were stinging and bloodshot but I knew there was no chance of me getting and seep. I made myself a coffee before returning to the windowsill. I wrapped a blanket around my shoulders and watched as birds flew past my window, going to search for their breakfast. I finished my coffee before deciding to get up and start my day properly. I changed into some joggers and a black crop top, putting my hair up into a messy bun.
I made my bed and put my pyjamas into the wash basket before heading downstairs. I ate some cereal on the sofa as I caught up with the latest episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians. Seb didn't like it so it was my go to show to watch when he was away racing. After the episode finished I put my headphones in and boogied to some music while I did the washing up.
I sung loudly as I dried down the counters, shaking my hips like Shakira would want me to. I always had a dance session when I was sad, I found that music was the greatest way to distract myself from the shit that I go through. A pair of arms snakes round my waist, pulling me away from the counter, my headphones falling out of my ears.
"You look so beautiful when you dance prinzessin." Seb mumbled in my ear before pressing kisses to my neck, searching for my sweet spot. I wanted to smile, to melt into his touch, turn around and kiss him. But I couldn't. I couldn't stop thinking about being his secret.
"Tea? Coffee?" I asked as I broke away from him, flicking the kettle on and grabbing some mugs out of the cupboard.
"Tea please. Meine liebe is everything okay?" I shut my eyes tight for a moment, stopping any tears that threatened to fall.
"Of course darling." I kept my back to him; not wanting him to see how rough I looked. I poured our tea and grabbed the milk from the fridge. Seb caught my arm and twirled me round into his chest, his hand lifting my chin, so my eyes would finally meet his. The bright smile faded instantly; a prominent frown taking its place. His thumb traced over the dark circles that engulfed my eyes.
"Darling what happened?"
"Just didn't sleep well," I said, my eyes darting to the floor. I wasn't technically lying, I was just leaving out the details to why. Seb pressed a gentle kiss to the top of my head before going to finish our tea. He led me to the sofa, I sat down next to him; ignoring his open arms. His frown returned, he took the tea out of my hand and placed it on the coffee table before taking my hand in his.
"Talk to me. Please. Have I done something? You can tell me anything, you know that don't you?" I sighed and looked down at our hands. His thumb gently caressing the back of my hand.
"Are you ashamed of me?" I asked, my voice barely more than a whisper. I flicked my hand he's up to see his frown had dissipated and sadness took its place.
"Why would you ever think that? Of course not. There is not one in the world that I am more proud of than you liebe." He loved closer to me, placing his hand on my knee. I scoffed and shook my head.
"Don't lie Sebastian. We both know that isn't true."
"(Y/N) of course it is. What's going on with you? Why would I be ashamed of you?"
"You tell me Seb, but you must be embarrassed of me considering I don't exist as far as anyone in your life is concerned bar your parents!" I hadn't noticed the tears that had begun to fall down my cheeks. "I have to stay tucked away for no one to see. Watching every race from the fucking sofa instead of from the paddock like every other girlfriend does.
"I have to sit in this house and scroll through social media to see what you've done with your day, seeing you out having the time of your life with loads of random women. Everytime you're spotted talking to a random woman everyone assumes she's you're new girlfriend. I have to scroll through the comments seeing everyone talking about how you and these women look so happy and I can't tell anyone that I'm yours!" I took a deep breath and wiped some tears from my eyes.
"I don't know how much longer I can live like this," I whispered, looking down at my feet. The occasional tear falling onto my sock, creating a wet polkadot pattern.
Sebastian moves himself off the sofa and knelt in between my legs. He wiped away tears with his thumb, his eyes threatening to spill his own.
"I never meant to make you feel like this, and I am so sorry (Y/N). I just wanted to keep us private. The world... the media can be ruthless and cruel... I didn't want the chance of anything bad said about you. I don't want you to be harassed by people or drastically change your life."
"That's not for you to decide Seb... it's mine. I will take all the hate in the world if it means I can go out in public properly with you, be able to actually go to a race and support you properly. I've spent a year hiding-"
"-and you won't anymore. I love you so much liebe, you are my everything. I really am sorry for doing this to you. I want you by my side next season, as many races as you want. I bet you'll be my good luck charm. A few tears had begun to escape his eyes. It was the first time I had ever seen him cry. I placed my hand on his cheek and rubbed my thumb gently; wiping away the tears.
"I love you Seb. I'm sorry I exploded I just-" Seb presser his lips against mine, his hand resting in the back of my neck, deepening the kiss.
"Never apologise for how you feel. No secrets, okay?"
"No secrets." Seb stoke a quick kiss before scooping me up into his arms.
"Now I think it's time I make it up to you," he said before taking me up to our room.
