So we meet again... (a merthur au)

Down Memory Lane

It was halfway through the movie about the Lady Amalthea, that Arthur began wondering how feasible it would be-- as he worded it-- 'remembering organically'. Sure, he was attracted to Merlin/Emrys, but though the pain he felt earlier was momentary how long and for how many times must he feel that pain to regain his full self again?

How many weeks, or years, would it take to remember the better part of roughly 70 years between three seperate lives? And sure, Merlin could trigger some of them, but what would he do while waiting for the rest of the pieces of memory to fall into place? It could take a lifetime to do that.

Arthur glanced over at Merlin, who was engrossed in the film as he stroked the head of the gigantic dog lying across his lap. At that moment, Athur began to seriously consider ripping off the bandaid off all at once. He considered it, but decided to wait, if only to spend more time with Merlin. If it was as dangerous as promised, he might as well make the best of his time before that choice.

Arthur leaned over into Merlin's side, with a smile Merlin kissed Arthur on the cheek and continued watching the movie with his head on the blond's shoulder. This whole thing was sort of fast for the two of them, the sudden settling into a 'relationship', but the two of them were not without history (even though it was only one of them who remembered the finer details). It felt right, though, Arthur was sure of it. He had never felt this pull with anyone before, a need to just breathe the same air with someone and be content in that-- Eve had been a passing infatuation compared to this. It was exciting, and terrifying.

...

The feelings were there, the heat between them was definitely there, Merlin reasoned, but without memories it felt manipulative and kind of gross about it, like he had some kind of upper-hand as the 'keeper of memories' between them. His head, which rested on his now-boyfriend's shoulder, felt heavy.

Merlin's magic was like a dull knife, wasting away from disuse, but it could still influence others and their views of him. Was this even real, or the magic just pushing his desires ever so slightly until Arthur gave in? This unfounded thought made Merlin so sick to his stomach that he stood and walked to the back porch without a word, the cold air hitting like a wall as he flopped onto the stoop like deadweight.

A few moments later, the door opened as Arthur leaned in the doorway, movie silenced.

"Hello, Mr. Dark-and-Brooding, care to finish the movie? I know the memory loss plot may be in poor taste, but you must admit how good this movie is." Arthur joked half-heartedly, his own mind distant too.

"Did I force myself on you earlier? I keep getting this gnawing feeling that I shouldn't have done that." Merlin asked, wanting to get straight to the point.

Arthur sighed, closing the door behind him and sitting beside Merlin on the stoop.

"Far from it, quite frankly I would have if you hadn't. The moment was... heavy." Arthur chuckled a little, reaching out to run his fingers over Merlin's hair and twirl it between his fingers. "I wanted to touch you ever since the lake house, maybe before that. You have a calming effect on me, for the most part."

"I feel like it's somwhat of an unfair situation, I remember so much more than you do about your own past. As you know, the problem with being human is we see everything through our own perspective-- no two people experience the same thing during the same event. I don't know what was going on in your mind in all those memories, I only know what I saw and felt. I just don't want to push my view of what happened as all fact."

Arthur paused for a second, dumbfounded, "I appreciate that you care so much about that, but I don't think that's going to be an issue. I may not remember things, but I'm sure my instincts are good. Everything you've said so far, I'm sure it's true..." Arthur exhaled shakily, running a sweating palm over his jeans. "Earlier, the memory I had. It was a glimpse of us, on my deathbed I think, you were holding my hand and pleading for me not to go. I felt in that memory that all I wanted to do was hold you, reassure you, promise I wasn't going anywhere but I was too weak to do much more than smile. I feel really attached to you, Merlin, memories or not you're my destiny, I know it... Even if I'm not yours anymore. Merlin, come back inside, Wade misses you."

Arthur stood and held out his hand, a lopsided smile as he tried to push the memory of Merlin's tears for Artie from his mind. How weird it felt, to be jealous of a self you could not remember. Merlin took his hand and they sat back down, returning to their movie. Their fingers were intertwined, but their minds were far away from each other with their own seperate worries.

Merlin wondered if it was selfish to do the Revocata ritual for the sake of them being on equal standing again, but who was to say would Arthur chose him again if he knew everything? After all, Merlin-- the subject of many of Art's paitings-- made him delve slowly into madness over the years as Art's time went on. Was he actually a healthy choice? Perhaps not, he wondered, but it was not his choice to make; it was Arthur's.

Arthur wondered on his own about the ritual too, but for a more optimistic reason. He truly believed that he would understand his feelings for Merlin if he knew everything, and he wanted desperately to understand. Only problem was, he didn't want to die from this. Merlin would have to see another death, and if he understood earlier what Merlin was implying-- Merlin's suffering over Arthur drove him to attempting suicide before, in vain, and if the destiny they shared was what made Merlin immortal, he likely would not stick around to watch him die a fourth time.

The thought of them possibly both ending up dead for the sake of memories, seemed unfair. He didn't want to face that possibility just yet. Arthur leaned into Merlin and tried to pretend they were a normal couple, just for a little while. He pressed a quick kiss to Merlin's forehead, a reserved smile creeping up Merlin's face.

"Do you think you would've stuck around if you hadn't save my life? You know, if I had never been in danger?" Arthur asked, half joking.

"I'm sure I would have," Merlin admitted. "No matter how I tried to stay away, you always appeared before me. Fate refuses to let me alone, I have to be by your side one way or another."

"I'm glad for that," Arthur admitted. "You make me feel like I don't need anything else; just you, me, and Wade-- and the boys of course. It's nice to not feel like something is missing. I know it's stupid--"

"It's not." Merlin shook his head, his voice small. "It's not stupid... I missed you so much, Arthur. You have no idea..."

Arthur remembered the story of Art's portraits, made a mental note to look them up, and nodded, "I have a feeling I know... Somewhere in my mind. I feel like I know exactly what you mean."