When In Doubt - Freshman Year

Chapter 8

Matt

Where was everyone?

Why is it so crowded in here?

More importantly, why do people always seem to know more about me than I do?

Matt wandered around as he'd tried to find another familiar face, but couldn't have recognized anyone in the maddening crowd. He'd made his way into the kitchen; maybe someone he'd known was playing pong again.

No one...

Dejected, Matt had leaned against the countertop and tried to look indifferent by pulling out his phone to help pass the time.

Check Instagram.

Check Facebook.

Pin a few pins on Pinterest.

Play a few rounds of Angry Birds.

Pretend to be texting someone.

He'd felt a tap on his shoulder, and he'd looked up to Madison, who'd stood in front of him. She'd looked concerned, and Matt inwardly groaned.

Here we go again...

"Hey, there you are! I'm sorry about that back there. I have no idea what goes through that girl's head sometimes," Madison tilted her head. "Are you okay?"

Matt had felt his chest tighten and the tears threaten to fall.

What was it about when someone asked you if you were ok that made you feel even worse? Was it because they could see it better than you could? Did they actually care, or just hoping you confirmed you were fine so they wouldn't have to deal with whatever the issue was?

Maybe it was the fear of being vulnerable and the possibility of being rejected or brushed aside because of it.

He didn't answer, instead he'd grabbed a convenient bottle of UV-Blue next to him on the counter. He'd thought it wasn't even real; who left an unopened full bottle of booze on the counter of a party anyways? He didn't give a shit in that moment if he would get his ass kicked for stealing it, so he'd opened up the plastic bottle and took a huge swig of the sickly-sweet vodka.

He had to really concentrate on resisting the urge to gag, but he'd managed to keep a straight face as Madison's expression went from concern to surprise to slight confusion.

"Um...ok then. Look, I just wanted to apologize for what she'd said, because it obviously upset you. I don't think she meant what she said, but that doesn't excuse her in any way. She's just an instigator, and I can yell at her for you if you want?..." She stared at him and waited for an answer.

Matt shook his head and looked around one last time to see if he could spot anyone.

Still nothing...

He despondently turned back to Madison. "What the fuck is her deal, anyways?"

"No idea, in all honesty," she shrugged in exasperation. "For some reason, maybe she thinks you're gay or something. I mean, its ok if you are, or if you're not, that's cool too. She shouldn't be just assuming anything though."

Matt's heart pounded loudly in his chest; he could barely hear her any longer.

For him, it was happening all over again: People talking about him, assuming something about him that may not even be true, not that they cared. All they cared about was teasing and laughing about someone who could be gay, in the closet, or just in denial. Anything to detract anyone from turning the torment on themselves. He'd heard it all before; he's been called 'gay' and 'queer' and 'faggot' all the way back since fifth grade.