Bill Hader One Shots

Well Damn (Richie)

*Very long, just a warning*

Richie's P.O.V   (Y/F/F = Your Favorite Flower) 

Life sucks for me right now. I just lost two of my best friends and killed a Clown, alien, thing. I don't really remember what It was, but I definitely remember It being fucking strange and killing Eddie. I left Derry once more and went back to Los Angeles. What a fucking nightmare that was. Leaving a quiet, despite the clown, to come back to rowdy L.A. Let me tell you, it's one hell of a change. There's, like, no traffic in Derry but you come back here and everywhere you go you're sitting in your car for about 2 hours. 

I leave my house and drive to a restaurant, having to go to a meeting with my agent. I have to make up some bullshit reason why I didn't go to my Reno performance. My phone rings as I get in my car and see Y/N's name. Oh, fuck! It was her birthday the other day! I wasn't a dick though, I called her and talked with her on the phone for a good hour. But still, I promised her when I get back here I would make a special day for her. No, she's not my wife or girlfriend. But hopefully, she will be soon. I really like her and I want to be with her. 

"Good morning Y/N! How are you today?" I ask, not letting the panic in my voice come through. 

"Hey, Rich. I'm doing great thanks for asking. Look, are you busy today?" 

"I have a quick meeting right now with my manager but after that I'm free," I say, pulling out of my driveway. 

"Okay. Are you free around 2?" She asks. 

"Yeah. Do you want me to meet you at your house?" She agrees and I hang up the phone, arriving at the restaurant. I walk in and sit with my manager. The whole time he's talking to me, I'm looking at the clock. 

"Rich, if I need to get you into therapy, you'll tell me right?" 

"Huh? No, I don't need therapy." Bullshit, but he doesn't need to know. No one does. He tells me that he rescheduled Reno to fit the rest of my tour dates and we close up the meeting. I check the time and it's 12:45. Sweet, I have time. I rush home, get showered and changed. I check the time and it's 1:30. Holy shit, that went by fast. I leave my house and text Y/N that I'm on my way. 

Y/N's P.O.V

He hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend yet and it's really pissing me off. I've talked to everybody I know and trust, coming to the conclusion that I'm asking him. If I get rejected, so be it and he'll still be my friend. But, I need to do it. I've wasted so much time, hoping he feels the same instead of doing something about it. Normally, I'm old-fashioned and wait for the man to make the first move but I can't sit still anymore.

Bling 

I check my phone and it's a text from Richie. He says that he's on his way. Fuck. I run to my towel, drying my hair one last time before getting dressed and putting product in my hair to give it the damp look that he loves. I'm not changing myself for him and I know I don't have to because he's the type of person to love me for me. I walk to my kitchen to pour myself a drink then go to my living room, waiting for him. 

I want to share my life with him. I want this house to be ours. I inherited it from my now deceased parents. It's always been in the family and since I'm an only child, it's mine. But I want it to be mine and Richie's. I've loved him for so damn long. We met about 15 years ago and even though he's a little older than me, I don't care. It's not even that big of an age difference. He's 40 and I'm 37. We're 3 years apart. He was 25 and I was 22, it was his first show. He was this hilarious, cocky, young man and I was infatuated with him. I wasn't creepy though, I didn't stalk him. I had a backstage pass to meet the headliner but at that point, I wanted to meet Richie "Trashmouth" Tozier. We met and we hit it off immediately. He had a girlfriend at the time who would later become his wife, but we both could tell that we'd be in each other's lives. 

I'm pulled out of my daydream when I hear a knock on the door. I excitedly get up, feeling like a damn teenager. I open the door and see he has a bouquet of Y/F/F. I smile, grab them, then grab him and pull him into a big hug. He chuckles and squeezes me into him. I pull away and we walk into my home. 

"So, how was your birthday?" He asks. He couldn't make it, which I wasn't mad about. He said he had to meet with an old friend from Derry. He told me all about his childhood, yes, including the Killer Clown. But he told me that he was going back just to see his friends.

"It was great! How was your trip?" I ask him and he nods, still smiling. 

"Amazing. So many of my friends are married. I kinda forgot what age I was when I was with them." He says. We sit down on my couch. 

"I can't believe that you were married at one point," I say, quietly. It feels like a lifetime ago when he divorced her. She was mentally abusive, telling him nothing else mattered, he wasn't going anywhere with this "bullshit comedy gig." Yeah, she was horrible. 

"Me too." He says, just as quiet. "They didn't believe me when I told them that I was married at one point." He chuckles and I'm glad he had fun. 

"Rich, I gotta tell you something," I say, standing up. He goes to stand, but I motion for him to stay sitting. I smile and walk into my bedroom. 

"I'll be right there in a second. I need to get something first." I shout. I go into my closet and grab a shoebox of old memories that we've had together. I pull out a separate box and it has a bunch of things he absolutely loves. Candy, movies, books, etc. I come back out and he looks at me, his head tilted in confusion at the shoeboxes. 

"What's going on?" He asks, nervously chuckling. I sit next to him, looking at him as I give him the old box. 

"Rich, before you open that, I need to say this," I say, and he furrows his brow in confusion. "When I first met you, I couldn't believe my eyes. Here was this man, with really big glasses in a Hawaiian shirt and a black hoodie telling amazing jokes. You were this person that I couldn't take my eyes off of. But that feeling hasn't gone away. I still feel breathless and in awe every single time I see you. Richie, I'm in absolute love with you and I have been for quite some time now. I'm sorry that I'm telling you this if you don't feel the same and I might ruin our friendship, but I had to tell you." I say, looking at him. I study his features and he stays silent. He inhales sharply and slowly exhales.

"Well damn." He says quietly. "And I thought I was the one who was going to confess. God, Y/N, I feel the same. I have since I met you." He says. I smile and hug him. 

"Looks like love, at first sight, is real," I say and he laughs, agreeing. He pulls away, cupping my face and kissing me. I sigh into the kiss, needing and longing for this for 15 years. I pull away and smile. I hug him once more and he wraps his arms around me. We stay like that for a while before I pull away. 

"So, this box is full of old memories." I point to the first box. "And this box is full of presents for you." I point to the other. 

"You didn't have to get me presents." He says, kissing my head. I shrug and he opens the old box. He sees all of the things I've collected over the years from all of our adventures. He's pulled out all of the items, except one. It's a red felt box, holding a ring. It's a wedding ring that he gave to me. He drunkenly gave it to me and said that if he ever got the chance, he would marry me.

"Oh my God." He says, pulling the box out. He opens it and he sighs, closing his eyes. "I thought I lost this." He looks at me and a single tear rolls down his cheek. I smile and wipe the tear away. 

"Let's get married," I say and he nods. We stand up and he kisses me. When we pull away, I grab my purse and the ring. We go to his car and drive to the courthouse. We get there and get married. It's just like True Romance, they sleep together then immediately get married. I have no shame, I love this man, and he loves me.