Gintama: Yato Queen

55 | S2 Unconditional

<Kagura>
For the past nights, I really couldn't sleep well. Why? Obviously, ever since Sougo spilled the tea, I've had thoughts ever so often about Mommy that I lose focus. They ravaged my mind and every time I tried to close my eyes. That is why I had to stay awake because mind couldn't rest at all.

This was the third night of insomnia and the second day I decided to skip school because of it. I didn't even bother texting Sougo that I wasn't going to show up to his place, it was self-explanatory at this rate. He should be at least responsible for putting me in the situation that I am in.

Under my covers, I hugged my legs. The room lamp was on and it kept the space dim because complete darkness with an active mind was not a good combo.

FOOTSTEPS

I shifted in my bed and looked up to see Kamui with a bag slung over his back. He sat down and smiled as if nothing had happened. If it was one thing I detested the most, it was that he pretends to be okay.

I sat up and examined him more closely. You could see the prominent bruise under his right eye, the cut on his lip, a smudges of blood on his neck.

My lips quivered and I hung my head.
Part of me wanted to call his name, ask him if he was okay, talk about these unresting thoughts.

However, I felt like I needed to contain it even though it wasn't the right choice. The more I understand our relationship, I'm reminded that it's unbalanced, unpredictable, and toxic.

"Not going to greet your older brother?" He spoke first with a sigh.

This is why I never truly admired the structure of this kind of family.
You're the one who walked out. Now you're back like nothing happened?

That's bullshit.

"Welcome back." I spoke and laid back down. "Fix yourself up, the first-aid is in the usual spot, then take a bath." I took the covers and pulled it over, hiding myself in.

"You look terrible. Did something happen at school?" He didn't leave the room and I heard a bit of shuffling from him.

"Go away." I responded.

There was silence that filled the lonely room of mine and I was about to scream any minute now if Kamui didn't get his ass out. I hate people like him the most.

"Did he end up telling you? The truth about our Mother?"

Biting my lower lip, I did my best not to give in. I don't want to talk to him about; however, in reality, it's the only thing that kept us together. But if the truth is what I know now, then will Kamui stay?

You belittled me, psychologically abused me, and physically hurt me. Can our relationship as siblings ever progress from here? Is it false hope?

As these sad thoughts took over, I felt my cheeks become wet from the tears gradually slipping out.
You act like Papi, brutal, careless, and driven by the Yato blood. I hate that kind of side and I honestly want no part in it. But you're also like Mommy, kind,  understanding and loving.

Why can't you just be yourself? Why must you embody all of them as if that's what will make me happy? Are you deliberately trying to become both of them for my sake? Have you've thrown yourself away just so that I wouldn't feel lonely?

"Can you just stop pretending? Can you just stop?" My voices slipped out and I brokenly grabbed my chest where my heart was aching.

"I just want my brother right now. That's all I want because I feel so lost and I just don't understand all these fake memories I made."

There's no going back now. A hundred times, I would say that I'm weak for letting him know my true thoughts. But at the same time, I don't mind, I just wanted him to understand my suffering. I grew up fearing and hating the Yato clan and then my own family because it was involved. But little things that reminded me that it wasn't all bad has kept me hanging by this thin thread. I really can cut my ties entirely at all. What a foolish wish I had when I moved here.

"Why did Mommy die the way she did? Why did she create a façade where we lived comfortably and peacefully?"

The tears became sobs and I honestly wanted to hide myself even more. And if it was one thing I wished that I could change about myself was my vulnerability.

CREAK

All of a sudden, I felt the bed move and then arms embracing me from the back. Kamui laid beside me on the bed and hugged me tightly.

"I've come so far like this. I thought this way could teach you properly when both our parents are absent." He spoke, "but I guess I'm wrong. The way that I've been treating you must of been awful, I'm sorry Kagura."

"You know that you're the only one I have right now and every time you push me back further I feel insecure and unwanted." I responded while wiping my face quietly. "I want a family that I can lean on."

"I didn't want you to get too attached to me." Kamui's voice felt like he was hurting, just as much as I did. "If we get anymore closer than need be, then-." He stopped short and sighed.

"Are you afraid of losing me? That if something happened to either one of us, it would be better to move on as if it was nothing?"

"It would be better that way. If we become anymore than the family we once were, I won't be able to recover the second time. That, I know for sure." Kamui replied.

"You're an idiot. Just like me." I conveyed, "I don't care though, I want us to rely on each other, so much that our bond will be unbreakable."

"A childish thing to say Kagura." Kamui commented with a short chuckle. "But if it's truly what you want, then you can't blame me later. Don't even dare to regret it because this is the choice you made."

"Thank you Kamui. You don't know how much this means to me. I know I sound like a simple kid, but maybe it's because I didn't have a normal childhood to act like a child."

I came out from under the sheets and turned towards Kamui. I snuggled in and hugged him with the strength that I had left and he held me gently.

"You know Kagura. Have I ever told you that you're the spitting image of Mother? The more I look at you, I cannot but see her through you." Kamui rubbed my back.

"She may have been a criminal just as bad as Father, but she was undeniably beautiful at heart. Don't forget about the love she gave us Kagura."

"But it's difficult to think about Mommy the same way as before. I don't want to keep living a lie." I confessed.

"That's understandable. Then, you just have accept it, accept all of it. Mother wasn't the women you thought she was, but she is the one who brought you into this world and loved you unconditionally."

"How are you so sure?"

Kamui inched a bit back and caressed my cheek with that genuine gleam of his.

"Because when you were born, she completely left that kind of life behind her."