Cranes and Secrets

23 : What it takes

it was after dinner when you sat me down.

we were sitting on the bed you were staying in.
i had begun to sleep on the floor in there since he was put away.

i need to tell you something, Jax.

i gave you my full attention.

i used to be a different person.

i nodded,
everyone changed.

i met him in school. 
it was so long ago, 
but I never thought about anything. 

i just sat there,
listening to you.
that's all you needed,
for me to listen.

his friends became my friends,
he was never violent.
never.
it only happened a few times.
but it hurt so bad.
but only because i loved him so much.

i suppressed everything i wanted to say in that moment,
knowing it was for the better.

no one close to me was there anymore.
i became a different person.
i lost everything and everyone because of the crowd.
everything.
except him.

you began to cry,
but you pushed me away when i tried to comfort you.

no.
i need to finish.

okay.

i thought i was in love.
one day my sister called.
she told me she couldn't invite me to her wedding.
or her baby shower.
or christmas dinner.
or anything.
all because of everything i had chosen him.

you stopped to wipe your eyes,
which were bloodshot from crying.
i don't know what i thought about everything.

i really did love him,
but i broke it off.
i couldn't risk losing my family.
never.
i went to my sister's baby shower at the cafe,
and that's when i saw you.
and i knew i needed you.

that's when you hugged me,
you sobbed into my shoulder.
but i knew you were finally relieved.
so i guess i was.
sort of.