UNSTEADY ➢ spencer reid

DOING BETTER

It had been nine months since I checked in. Nine wonderful, weird, and difficult months full of intense self reflection and a lot of willpower. It felt strange, holding my suitcase as I walked out to meet Kevin in the parking lot. Him and Penelope stood in front of their car, waving me over with open arms.

While inside, I learned a lot about myself. I learned that I wasn't crazy. Well, okay, I was, but I wasn't crazy about being crazy. I did have some issues, but that wasn't much of a surprise. While in treatment, I was diagnosed with BPD, which before entering the centre, I hadn't even heard of it.

Borderline Personality Disorder is a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think about yourself and others, which typically causes problems in ones everyday life. It has a lot to do with one's deep rooted issues, but for me it was mostly my lack of ability to manage my emotions and unstable relationships. A big indicator that I had it, as told to me by my therapist, was my intense emotional instability and impulsiveness. People with BPD typically engaged in a lot of inappropriate behaviour such as unprotected sex, spending sprees, binge eating, and of course, drug and alcohol abuse. Not only that, but often times they'd sabotage their own successes without reason, like quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship.

So basically, me to an absolute tee. I remembered the first time my therapist explained it to me. It felt like something clicked in my brain and all of a sudden it just made perfect sense. Everything I was going through was related to this one stupid thing my brain did to cope with all the trauma I'd been through. After that, treatment became a little easier. Half way through everything, they put me on Topamax, which was a mood stabilizer. Once that went through my system it felt like I was a totally new person. I was no longer switching between intense sadness and irritability, instead I was just neutral. It was crazy.

"Welcome back to the read world," Kevin pulled me in for a hug almost instantly, "it's nice to have you back." I hugged him back tightly. It felt weird seeing him outside of scheduled visitation time.

Penelope immediately ripped me from his grasp, pulling me into an even tighter hug. She rocked back and forth. "Oh, my god I missed you so much you look amazing."

"Thank-you." I said breathlessly. She was hugging me so tight I could feel my lungs practically caving in. I patted her on the back awkwardly, hoping she'd understand that as a signal to release me. Thankfully she did. I pulled away and took a couple of deep breaths as I looked at both of them side by side.

They looked exactly the same as I left them. Kevin wore his usually button up shirt with dress pants and a tie, while Penelope sported whatever the hell she wanted. Today, it was a bright red floral dress with yellow accents. She had a huge flower in her hair to match and yellow pumps that made her at least five inches taller than she actually was.

"Can we grab food? I'm starving." I clutched my stomach.

"Of course we can, stupid," Kevin walked towards the driver's side of the car without a second thought, "get in front, we'll grab whatever."
 I smiled, watching as Penelope hopped in the back. I threw my stuff in next to her and got in front. It had been so long since I'd been in a car I almost forgot what it felt like. I looked through the window as Kevin pulled out of the parking lot and made his way on to the highway. I couldn't believe I was actually going home.

"Where to?"

I shrugged. There was so much I wanted to eat.

"We could order pizza and go to your place." Penelope suggested.

"Sure."

Penelope called one of the pizzeria's close to my house and ordered. On our way home we stopped and grabbed it before continuing on to my place, which took me by surprise when we arrived. I was home again, which was weird. Much like everything else today. It looked the same, but somehow different. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but I pushed the thought out of my mind as I jumped out of the car and stood in the driveway.