You Can Go Home Again

Chapter 13

I don't remember much of the rest of that day. Stanton woke up Lisa, who ran over to check vitals to be sure. I stood there and watched. Stanton called next door, and before long, everyone was over here. There was so much commotion, but it all sounded almost muted. I knew this was coming; we all knew. I keep trying to remember what my last words were exactly. What were his? I remember Lisa walking me into the kitchen with my coffee. So many hugs and tears, but I don't remember actually crying. I stayed in that kitchen for quite some time; I think someone tried to coax me into going home. I couldn't leave though. I walked out onto the patio at some point, and I fell asleep on the loveseat out there. The next morning, Pawpaw's house was bustling with activity. I did what was asked of me when it was asked of me, but never more. I don't think I even spoke a word, unless it was a part of one of my assigned tasks. I was like that for the following days as well.

Today is the funeral. I stare at my reflection in the mirror, and I notice the bruises are mostly a greenish-yellow on my neck. I'm still wrapped in my towel from the shower. I'm so numb. It finally truly happened again. Only, this time, I don't want to be numb; it feels disrespectful to Pawpaw somehow. I put on my makeup, wondering if I'll cry at the service. We're holding the wake after the funeral in Pawpaw's house. I wonder how full the house will be. I don't think I've eaten in a day or so. Maybe I'll have an appetite again once this is all over. I hear someone knocking on my door, so I go to answer it.

"Oh, um," Derrick quickly moves through the doorway and shuts the door behind him. "We've got to stop meeting like this." I look at him with what I'm sure is a look of sheer confusion. He clears his throat before explaining, "the towel." I look down as if needing the clarification.

"Sorry," I say hoarsely. "I'm still getting ready."

"I just wanted to see if you needed anything. You've been, um," he pauses trying to find that right word, I assume to not offend me.

"I'm okay," I decide to just save him. "I do need to finish getting ready as I'm heading over early with Mom to make sure everything is set up correctly." I pull the black dress from my closet and retreat into the bathroom. I still need to finish my makeup and fix my hair, which means I don't need Derrick, or anyone else's, distractions.

"Okay, well if you need anything, you know where to find me," Derrick calls from my room. I don't respond. I've wasted so much of my time back on him and Ray, and now I've lost the opportunity for any more time with Pawpaw. I hear my door open and click close again. I know it's not all their fault; I allowed myself to get swept up in the drama and the emotions of our pasts. No more though. Not today especially. I move through the motions of getting dressed and finishing my face and hair.

Before long, Mom and I are at the funeral home. We look around and adjust flowers and programs. The casket is open in the back room so people can say their goodbyes. Mom and I walk back there to see how he looks. We both exchange looks noticing a couple of things right away.

"Where are his glasses? And who combed his hair like that?" We both look around as if expecting someone to step over and have an excuse or answer to our questions. "I'll step out and call the house to have someone bring a spare of his over." Mom steps outside, and I stand alone looking down at Pawpaw in his casket. I feel the tears welling up for the first time.

"I'm so sorry Pawpaw. I should have been a better granddaughter. More present, more honest, more everything because you deserved that." I choke on my last words before trying to swallow the sob that threatens to be released. I reach down to touch his cheek, but recoil my hand before I have the chance. I take a breath and reach in to fix his hair instead. "Some bastard thought they had a better style sense than you Pawpaw, but we'll show 'em."