SCENE 3- MILDRED'S HOUSE
MILDRED- Mother! The mail's here!
MOTHER- Oh, great! More bills! Bring it in, you incompetent fool! And if you put on the credenza again I'll wring your neck!
OLD MILDRED- Poor, naïve little me. I bought it in, not aware yet of what fate had in store for me.
MILDRED- Mom, we got another letter from the government.
MOTHER- Oh, great. Remember, Mildred, whatever questions they ask, we don't know what they're talking about and I didn't torch anybody in any mafia, got it?
MILDRED- Wait, mom! This is about father and brother!
MOTHER- What? Give me that, you swine!
To the Bigsby clan,
I come bearing bad news. George and Harrison have died in the terrible World War 1 and a Half. Do not feel sorrow or pain, though. They died peacefully and happily in the depths of a mine field. On a much lighter note, I would love to meet up sometime. We should keep in touch more often! Oh, and sorry about the slaughtering of half your family.
TTFN,
General Grout
MILDRED- Mother! Do you know what this means?
MOTHER- Yes, Mildred.
MILDRED- Father and Brother are dead! This is terrible!
MOTHER- What? Are you kidding? His life insurance was impeccable! Mildred, m' girl, we are gonna be rolling in dough!
MILDRED- No! Mother, I refuse to believe this!
MOTHER- You're right. We could probably make a couple more thousand off of him. I'll call Geico-
MILDRED- No! I mean that I refuse believing that Father and Brother are dead! They were both strong, powerful, beautiful men! They wouldn't go and die! They would think before they made that decision! The government is wrong about this and you torching the mafia member! I believe Father and Brother are still alive, and I'm going to the heart of World War 1 and a Half to prove it!
MOTHER- Mildred, you can't! Who is going to make me eggs easy over?
MILDRED- Well, you can come with me if you want.
MOTHER- Well, I guess I could travel the world with you, if eggs are at stake.
MILDRED- I never said anything about steak, but I'd love to travel the world with you. Now, we have to find a source of transportation to get us to Europe, since that it where Father and Brother were drafted.
MOTHER- Mildred, you wretched, vile creature, I think I may have something.
SCENE 4- THE ROWBOAT
MILDRED- Mom, are you sure this is the right direction?
MOTHER- Mildred, when have I ever been wrong about something?
MILDRED- Well, there was that time you said turtles are great at Texas Hold 'Em, that time you thought grandparents could fly, that time you thought we should buy stocks in Weebles-
MOTHER- All right, all right! I get the point!
OLD MILDRED- My mother decided that we should take my father's precious rowboat. We soon got lost, since mother ate the map, claiming it had a good source of Vitamin C.
MILDRED- Mother, I'm starting to think this wasn't such a good idea.
MOTHER- Mildred, you brat, why would you think that?
YOU ARE READING
Once Upon a Mildred
HumorMildred has had a hard life. Death, war, and sharks have torn apart her family, leaving her alone in an orphanage. But when she finds out that her father might still be alive, she sets out on an adventure that will change her life forever.
