ACT 3
SCENE 13 (CONT'D)- THE ORPHANAGE
(Henrietta comes in)
HENRIETTA- Knock knock knock! He heh! It's funny because I didn't knock! Hey, Mrs. Flannels, when I gave you my spork the other day and said "Here, keep my spork," I didn't actually mean keep, - Wait... Mildred! You're awake! Haleleolughliloluh!
MRS. FLANNELS- Yeah. Just woke up two minutes ago, she did! Babbling like a maniac, too! Something about her father and Nicholas Cage!
LOU- Yeah, I was feeding her when it happened, too! It was weird! I mean, I love Happy Days as much as the next guy, but this was a tad strange.
MILDRED- This means- this means I was dreaming!
HENRIETTA- What are you saying, sweetie? I don't understand.
MILDRED- I must've dreamed when I fell into a coma, because I had a three year dream that my father was alive, and we became hobos! But then I became famous and was a brat and- oh, I can't believe it was all a dream!
MRS. FLANNELS- Oh, it's all right, Mildred. We've all had dreams that felt real from time to time. Just yours was a little strange.
HENRIETTA- If you want I could bake you a back from a coma cake! I bake them all the time for my cats!
MILDRED- I'm good. I just want some alone time.
MRS. FLANNELS- Got it. I'm going to the den. That TV Guide's screaming my name, and I'm a sucker for screams.
(Everybody files out as MILDRED walks around the room. She looks at a picture of Molly)
MILDRED- Oh, Molly. What am I supposed to do now?
SCENE 14- THE NEIGHBORHOOD
(THE SHARK is spying on a little kid through a cluster of bushes. He licks his lips, and, very slowly, sneaks behind kid. The kid turns around, but sees nothing there. SHARK slowly gets closer as the Jaws theme starts to play. The kid starts getting scared, hearing sounds, but he doesn't see SHARK. Finally, SHARK runs towards him at full speed, but only grabs his Math textbook. The kid looks confused. SHARK runs back behind bush)
SHARK- Ah! The joys Pre-Calculus! Ah, what fun! But alas, even the joys of Arithmetic cannot vanquish the guilt I feel inside of me.
OLD REGAN- Once upon a time, there was a Shark. But not just any shark. He didn't kill and eat with pleasure. He would rather read books, and study the works of Charles Dickens. He didn't mindlessly destroy everything in sight. He tried to take care of things. He had his own zen garden. And most of all, he didn't cheat while playing Texas Hold 'Em like his shark buddies. He also had fins, which meant he couldn't really Hold 'Em.
SHARK- If only there was a way for me to release my grief and anguish from eating that poor girl's mother.
MR. KREEVY- My god, I can't take one more day of this job! Every day, it's letter, package, letter, postcard, package, postcard, letter, letter, package, postcard! I can't take this anymore! Sometimes I wish people would stop writing those ding dang letters!
SHARK- Hey, hey! Wait a minute, Mr. Postman!
MR. KREEVY- Ah! Well, look at that! A real life shark! I can't believe I'm seeing one! It was always one of my dreams to see a shark! Along with getting a teeth job and dropping my rap sheet!
SHARK- Listen, I don't have time for chit chat. I need you to deliver something for me.
MR. KREEVY- What? Excuse me, Mr. Shark, but I'm not your slave. If you want something delivered, you can do it yourself, you fool!
YOU ARE READING
Once Upon a Mildred
HumorMildred has had a hard life. Death, war, and sharks have torn apart her family, leaving her alone in an orphanage. But when she finds out that her father might still be alive, she sets out on an adventure that will change her life forever.
