My made up song

chapter 12

Katsuki Pov

Everything moved fairly quickly after the half n half bastard was arrested. He was deemed unfit to stand trial due to mental health, shocking, and was sent to a psychiatric facility where he would spend quite some time in. Deku has been doing better than what we all expected, but truthfully I don't think he would ever truly let us know what he's thinking. I know there's a lot going on in that beautiful mind of his and it torments me to know that whatever it is, is hurting him. I'm next to him every night, comforting him through his nightmares. Even the ones he doesn't wake up remembering. The worst of it all, is when he wakes up seemingly still dreaming and he's terrified of me.

I know it's not his fault, and healing is a slow, individual process that varies from person to person.. But I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt to watch him flinch away from me and scream. Eventually, he snaps out of it and melts back into me. It's killing me to know i'm powerless in this... he's battling his own mind, his own experiences. I can't save him from that. On top of that, I'm having issues of my own. Sometimes I dream about the knife against Deku's neck. What if I would have stepped even closer? What if I hadn't even made it to him in time? I blame myself for even allowing this to happen, but Izuku tells me that It was completely out of my hands. I guess he's right. I'm trying not to beat myself up over what happened, to move on and do my best to take care of the both of us. Easier said than done.

I've pretty much moved into Izuku and Uraraka's apartment. It doesn't make much sense, considering the size of my home... but Izuku is comfortable here. It's familiar to him and honestly, the little place has grown on me. What's a big house when I was living in it alone anyways? I've noticed a change in our dynamic, the three of us obviously quite clingy over one another. Even round face is hesitant to let me go out alone, mostly in the evenings. It's rare that I do leave alone, Izuku being out of my sight sends me into a spiral I'm not ready to face yet.

The brutal arguments round face and I used to have are now just small bickering matches. Neither of us have it in to fight that way anymore, Even if it was just friendly banter.

We both speak softly and move around lightly, as any loud noise startles Izuku. The day I dropped a pan in the kitchen, I thought we were going to have to drive him to the hospital. He wasn't breathing for so long, his lips had started to turn light blue in color. I tried to be more careful after that.

We had fallen into a routine at home. I'd come home from work and find Izuku in his room, usually playing around on an instrument.. Those were the good days. He'd smile and laugh with us, help me prepare dinner, and kiss me gently throughout the night.

On bad days, I'd come home to find him sitting in the tub, knees pulled to his chest and the spray of the shower soaking his clothes. He would be staring straight ahead, hair falling in his face but nonetheless, completely still. It was like he wasn't even in his body when this happened... His therapist described this act as dissociating.

He wasn't even able to acknowledge my presence when this happened. I had no way of knowing how long he had sat in the tub, but it was long enough for the water to run cold, and his skin to feel like ice. I'd turn off the water, peel off his wet close and sweep the hair out of his forehead. He wouldn't even react. Not once.

It wasn't until I had him dressed in warmer clothes, wrapped in his favorite fluffy green blanket, with a cup of warm tea in his hands that he would blink up at me. He was always so confused when this happened, eyes showing that he didn't know how he got here, when i'd even made it home... I wish I could take this away for him. I really fucking do.

Either way, we still ate dinner together every night. Uraraka would get home from work just before dinner was done. We would sit at the table, talk and try our best to get Izuku to engage... on the bad days, it was impossible. We'd watch something on Tv together, before getting ready for bed.