Lights Out

I Wasn't Ready.

I woke up about 3 hours later, the sun wasn't even up yet. I started falling asleep again.

When I woke up Shawn was holding me from behind and I felt so close to him. I scooted closer to him and he kissed my neck. I smiled. And fell back asleep. I woke up to Shawn shaking me and smiling. "Go get your bathing suit on. We're going swimming. We have the day to be young, and have fun so let's go."

I closed my eyes and groaned. But I got up quickly and put my swimming suit on. I put jean shorts and a tanktop over it. I slipped on flip flops and pulled my hair back into a pony tail.

And looked in the mirror, I instantly looked away, hating what I saw. I walked downstairs and saw Shawn waiting with a picnic blanket and basket. "Grab some sunglasses." Shawn said smiling. I ran upstairs to my bag and grabbed my sunglasses.

We got into the car, had the windows down, radio on full blast, laughing and singing along. It seemed like one of those moments out of a love story... But this... This was real. And there were breathless moments that are unexplainable. Like driving windows down, radio blasting, laughing, smiling, singing, on our way to the beach and picnic on a beautiful summer day, which is rare for Canada.

It was rarely warm and beautiful Canada and Minnesota are really cold. But I honestly love the cold so it doesn't bother me.

We finally pulled up to a lake, with a sand beach-like shore. We smiled and got out. Shawn started taking his clothes off and I got mesmerized by his perfectly sculpted abs and his amazing biceps. Plus his hair looked so perfect. He was just amazing. He was extremely attractive and he was a great boyfriend. I felt like I don't deserve him.

I looked down in disappointment, he was so perfect... And I'm... Me. Shawn lifted my chin up with 2 fingers. "What's wrong?" He said trying to make eye contact. I looked away. "You're beautiful, Jordan. Don't ever think differently." He said kissing me. I turned my head so he kissed my cheek instead. He just walked away. I slipped my shorts, flip flops and tanktop off and quickly got into deep water.

Shawn got in and swam next to me. I swam backwards avoiding him seeing me in a bikini. "I don't have any diseases, why are you avoiding me like Yellow Fever?" Shawn said stopping. "Because. I'm so imperfect and I know you want better." I said not talking above a whisper. "I just want you, Bear. I really love you. You need to stop worrying." Shawn said, I could hear the heartbreak in his voice.

I took a moment an paused to think about what to say. "You have so many fans constantly chasing you, and they'd do anything for you. I know you'd rather have a girl that doesn't hold back, that doesn't hate herself. And it's okay. I wouldn't want me either." I said trying to get on shore. But Shawn was a better swimmer then me and he pulled me into his arms. "Try to get away, Jordan, and I swear I will drown you. We are going to talk about this, you are not gonna avoid me!" Shawn said pulling me back in the water.

"Shawn let me go! I'm having a panic attack!" I screamed feeling my heart race. He started inching down in the water. "I will fucking drown you, Jordan. Don't try." Shawn said holding me tighter. "Shawn I'm serious! I'm not trying to get away! We can talk on shore! We're really far from your house and I can't drive! I can't get away this time! Please Shawn!" I screamed as I gasped for air.

He got up on shore as quickly as he could. And I laid there, curled up, unable to respond. My heart was beating fast. I could hear Shawn. But I couldn't say anything. Everything I saw was blurry. So I couldn't really make anything out.

Finally I snapped out of this trance and I could reply. "Jordan, are you okay?" Shawn said as I sat up. I rubbed my eye in the palm of my hand. "Yeah, I'm fine." I nodded. "You promise?" Shawn said wrapping his arms around me. "Yeah, I promise." I said resting my head on his shoulder. He kissed my cheek. I pulled away and laid back down on the beach blanket he had brought. He laid next to me. Interlocking our fingers as if they had never been apart before and never will be.

He climbed on top of me, kissing my neck and shoulders. I didn't want too, I wasn't ready. But I wasn't going to stop him. Not this time, I can't risk loosing him anymore, no matter the cost...