Recherché

~ e b o n y ~

~ e b o n y ~

i often tend to stare at myself
in the mirror when it's dark,
to look for a light residing in me,
if there is one in the first place,
but the image i see, somehow,
disappoints me to my core.

do you know what i see, my love?
even though it's dark all around,
i can see darker shadows creeping
all over the softness of my skin,
the stiffness of my frail arms,
and the tightness of my muscles
that refuse to relax for a moment
under the weight of melancholy
tugging at the corners of my lips,
drooping them down in sobriety
when i stop smiling for people
and i think i was born this way,
with natural downturned lips
because life knew what awaited me.

so i stare at myself in the mirror
when the lights stop flickering
and i look at my ebony silhouette
against the dimly moonlit room
and i think of all the faded souls
who never saw me in the dark
but connected to my darkness
through hints lost in my poems
and i keep thinking of how they
think of the frail girl that i am?

do you see me as a pretty girl,
one with smiles and sparkles?
so let me tell you, yes, i am pretty,
when you look at me for real,
i am so fucking pretty in the light,
that you yearn to turn off the lights
and have a look at how i sparkle,
all day long for the souls around me;
you crave to have a break through
when it comes to my shadows,
promising you'd stay once you see
everything that makes me who i am,
and i smile gently, telling you that
it never happens, oh it never did.

but you keep urging me, insisting,
like every single person before you,
so i turn off the lights for you,
and you see for the first time,
a lass lost in her own li'l world,
wanted by many, needed by none.

the absence of luminescence
embraces the curves of my body,
and the shadows sneak back
under the paper of my skin,
and i stop smiling so you see,
my natural downturned lips
for the first time ever in your life
and it horrifies you, the sorrow,
resting in the folds of my eyes,
and you keep pretending for me,
acting as if it's okay to be this hurt
but i know you're no different
so i spare me the pain of crying
when you leave in the morning,
never intending to come back,
because i've been through this
numerous times in my life,
and it's okay that you decided
to quietly walk away from me,
.
.
.
i just wish i hadn't opened up to you,
when you urged me to talk it all out,
because you didn't deserve an ounce
of my sacred, ebony silhouette at all

~ • ~ • ~

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