Stop Crying Your Heart Out - McLennon AU

20.

(A/N- I'm thinking of changing my name to Stxrry_Macca because that's what I am on AO3, when I start to use it, but should it be Macca or Mxcca? 😳.)

23rd April 1963

Oh my God...

Oh God, Oh what the fuck did I just do?

Did I just tell John to kiss me?!

And did he actually do it?

All the thoughts flooded Paul's mind as soon as John's lips left Paul's, the two just staring at eachother. John seemed horrified, whereas Paul just seemed in shock and very confused.

But it felt so good...

"I-I'm sorry..." John stuttered out.

After a few more seconds, the shocked man spoke up. "John?"

"Yeah...?"

"Did it feel good?" Paul asked, eyes begging for an answer.

"I- I think so... My heart's beating so fast that I just don't know..." He turned away from Paul, beginning to stare at the floor. "Did you like it?"

"Y-Yeah." He said.

Paul watched as John places his head in his hands, seeming to go into some sort of deep pit of thought.

But Paul's thoughts were just as wild

Did I really just fucking kiss John Lennon?

Why did he want to kiss me anyway?

Does he actually like you? Or is it just because... Because-

"John." Paul asked, voice barely at a whisper.

"Y-Yeah?"

"What in the world did we just do?"

"I don't know..." John eventually looked up, staring deep into Paul's eyes. "Do you hate me now?"

Paul's heart broke.

"Johnny... I could never hate you."

Tears started to form in the corners of the older man's eyes. John quickly tried to hide them.

"I think I should maybe go home." Paul sighed, beginning to stand up.

"Wait-" John grabbed onto his arm, standing up along side him. "Promise you'll call me? I just really don't want this to be awkward with us."

"I promise..."

"I just need some... Time. I need to figure some things out."

Paul just nodded at that, before turning to walk away.

Every fibre in his body was telling him to go back, but his heart just wouldn't let him. If he did, he felt as if he'd kiss John again, but maybe this time do more than that.

And he had a girlfriend.

Jane.

And John had just lost Cynthia-

Is that why he kissed me? Because he just needed to kiss someone, and I was the only one around?

And even though it shouldn't, that thought hurt Paul more than he was prepared for.

————————————————————

"Paul, is that you?" Jane called from the living room, as Paul walked through the door.

Great.

"Yeah, love." He tried not to sigh.

He mentally groaned when he heard her high heels hitting the floorboards below, meaning that she was standing up and most likely coming to walk up to him.

This was the last thing he needed.

Guilt rose up in him as he saw her walk through the door and smile at him. Paul gave her a small smile back, before trying to lose her gaze and taking his coat off.

"How was John?" She asked, getting closer and closer to Paul, eventually leaning on his shoulder as he stared at the coathangers as if they could save him from this situation.

'Shut up, and fucking kiss me.'

"Good, yeah- yeah. He's fine." The man nodded, doing anything to not make eye contact.

"And how's Julian?"

"Sleepy." She laughed at that, placing a hand on Paul's cheek to turn his head to face her.

When Jane leant for a kiss, all Paul could think about was his lips on John's, 30 minutes previous. And how good they felt, but how wrong the whole situation was.

He kissed Jane back, barely, hoping she didn't realise his mood being different than usual.

She pulled away, staring into his eyes.

"What's wrong?" Paul's heart sank at the scared look in her eyes. "Oh God... What did I do?"

"No, nothing love. It's just me... Had a shit day at school, y'know?"

"Mhm."

"C'mon, should we order takeaway?"

She smiled at that, nodding, before running back into the living room.

"I'll call them now. Want the usual?" Jane called to him.

"Yeah... Yeah and I'll pay."

He knew money wouldn't get rid of the pit of guilt in his stomach, but it was worth a try. Something still felt wrong.

Maybe John wasn't the only one who needed to have a serious think.