We Were Happy Once

Ch. 4 Self Blame

The Jackson's Victory tour was in full swing. They traveled closer and closer to home, with their last concert being in Los Angeles. I was almost fully recovered from my wounds and grew nervous and impatient for the brother's return. Kathrine assures me many times that Tara was harmless and sweet, but the stories told by LaToya and Janet were very different. "She's so possessive of him. She hardly lets him go anywhere without her," said LaToya. "Whenever she's around my mother she's so sweet but she's awful when mother is gone," Janet often would remind me. "And she's very unfaithful to Michael. I've caught her with another man before. I hope Michael sees just how evil she is and breaks up with her." Don't get me wrong, it made me happy to hear that Tara was an awful person. But if she made Michael happy, it would be wrong of me to interfere in any way. So I resolved to be supportive of their relationship for Michael's sake. Even if Tara was the devil in disguise.

The Jackson's Victory tour was ending in a matter months, and I wanted to move out of their house before Michael got back. I didn't want to step on any toes and I didn't want Michael to learn of my run-in with death while I was around. I started dating a man named Paul. Paul seemed to be nice enough at first. I met him at a coffee shop in LA while Janet and I were having a girls day. He was charming and witty, and pestered me until I agreed to go on a date with him. Our first date was casual and he brought me lilacs, honestly one of my lesser favorites, but I thought the idea was sweet. Paul and I went to dinner at a small diner in LA and then went to see a movie. We seemed to hit it off pretty well and we officially started dating. About a month later, despite protests by Kathrine and the girls, I moved in with Paul. And his whole demeanor changed. He became cruel and dark, often locking me in the apartment when he left for work. Weeks and weeks went by. I had no idea what was happening in the outside world and I missed the large room I had at the Jackson's mansion. Then one day Paul and I got into a huge fight. I told him I no longer wanted to be locked away, that I wanted to visit my friends and wanted to find a job. His anger boiled over and he shoved me into the wall. He punched me and I kicked him in the groin and made for the door. He chased me all the way down stairs and tried to grab me as I hopped into a taxi. His finger nails scratched my shoulder and I yelped for the driver to pull away. Sore and bleeding I sat quietly in the back seat as the large shadow of the Jackson mansion covered the car. I ran to the door, feeling uneasy as Paul easily could've followed me. I pounded on the large doors and much to my surprise, Michael answered. He surveyed me with his brown doe eyes, his expression changing from surprise to sadness to anger. "Bethy? What happened to you? Where have you been? Mama said you came to stay and I had hoped you were still here-" he paused as he saw me in the verge of tears. "Oh Beth." He gently pulled me inside "what happened?" I tried to answer but a sob escaped instead. Michael wrapped his arms around me and rested his chin on my head. "It's ok now Bethy I've got you. I'm here now. It's all gonna be ok now babydoll. Let's get you fixed up, ok?" I nodded. "Ok Bethy come on now. There should be some first aid stuff in the upstairs bathroom." He helped me up the large steps marble staircase and down the hall to the upstairs bathroom. I spoke quietly as he grabbed the first aid kit from the cabinet. "Where is everyone?" "Asleep or out of the house. Jermaine and the boys are out celebrating and Mama, Joseph, and the girls are sleeping." I nodded. "When did you get back?" I asked. "Couple of days ago. We had some... hiccups before the tour so everything got pushed back. I'm just glad to be home." He looked around before dabbing some antiseptic on my cuts. "I heard what happened. The burns I mean," I whispered, "does it hurt?" "Don't worry about me," he said. "Let's just get you cleaned up, ok?" "Oh, yeah ok." We both fell silent for a minute. "Michael?" "Yeah?" "How's Tara doing?" He winced. "I don't know, I broke up with her yesterday." "Oh, I'm sorry," "don't be," he said, almost relieved at my less-then-sorry tone, "I think I have feelings for some one else." I sighed. Always the bystander. I'd have to watch as he fell for someone else and I wasn't sure I could do that again. After a few more moments of quiet, he spoke again. "Who did this to you?" I felt my cheeks flush. I knew I was solely responsible for this. I was the one who dated Paul. "My ex." I replied. Anger passed over Michael's face. As he pulled away to grab a bandaid his fists balled by his side. "Fuck him. He didn't know what he had. Fuck that asshole." I hadn't heard Michael curse until now. I found it a bit refreshing. "It's my fault Michael just leave it alone, it's all over now anyhow." "But it's not your fault Beth. It's mine." I jerked my head up in surprise. "What? How Michael, how on gods green earth is it your fault? You had nothing to do with it! I'm the idiot, ok? It's my fault. No one else's." He whirled his head around, his perfect curls flying around with the aggressive movement. "Bethy if I had been.... if I had just told you.... if I hadn't gotten with Tara..... Well things would've been different." My face twisted with confusion. "What?" "Never mind Bethy." Michael -" "Just- never mind, ok? Let's just drop it. I think you're all fixed up now. Let's get you to bed you can have your old room." We went down the hall in silence and he said goodnight and went to bed. I started longingly after him as my door closed behind him, wondering what he wanted to say, and why he blamed himself.