shots - spooky

twenty two - let me explain

Trigger Warning: Situations involving rape, sexual harassment, and thoughts of suicide.

"Girl I don't know about this", my roommate Vanessa says in the passenger seat of my Jeep. I look at the ridiculous frat party and laugh, the abundance of white males doing stupid shit didn't scare me at all.

"I'm just doing one thing and then I'll be back", I smile and grab the baggy of Xanax I promised.

Once inside I ask around for Mikey and find him upstairs already sniffing what I'm sure was his part of college fund. I chuckle and he sits up trying to let the drugs kick in.

"You Mikey?", I ask leaning against the door frame.

"Oh shit yeah, you Hell?", he asks slightly slurred. Mikey was a big white guys with a shaved head and diamond earring. He had a large skull tattoo on his shoulder and a scar behind his ear.

"Yea, you got my money?", I say with a straight face. I've been duped by boys from this same house before.

"Yea just give me a second", he says sniffling and getting up leaving the room behind me. He smelled horrible of cigarette smoke and beer. Never understand how people could walk around in that stench.

"You know I can pay you in something else", Mikey's voice says in my ear. His breathe alone causes me to gag.

"Dude just give me my money so I can leave", I snark elbowing him hard in the rib. The blow is hard but he recovers and pushes me against the desk he was previously sitting at.

"I'm going to have so much fun with you", he snarls standing over me unbuckling his pants. I send a punch to his junk but it doesn't make it, instead he cuts a large gash into my forearm and I scream in pain.

"You fucker!", I yell trying to regain my balance before I'm hit hard in the head and completely out.

"I know it's sounds dumb", I laugh to myself at how I let myself get raped at a college party. I don't ever pay attention to what's important.

"Yajel let me tell you something, this is not your fault!", Monse says as we sit on my front porch taking in the morning sun. She got up early today to feed Cesar and watch the sunset before she has school.

"I feel like I'm not feeling how I'm supposed to feel. Instead of crying I just feel like my brain is crowding with thoughts to avoid it. But the doctor says my schizophrenia is waning so win win I guess", I huff out sniffing back a tear.

"You need to get out of here Yajel, find some beautiful city and become an established painter", she smiles laying her head on my shoulder.

"And you need to get off to school, today is your first day and I'll have a surprise for you guys when you get home", I shimmy and she pops up rolling her eyes playfully.

"I think that single surprise is going to make today better", she laughs and walks off. I continue to sit on the porch for a few hours staring at the movement of cars and trying hard to forget the story I relive everyday.

It hurts me more that I can't remember the worst part of it, I just don't want to live with myself knowing I've been violated. How could I have been so arrogant to not know I'm about to get taken advantage of.

"You want something to eat? You been sitting out here for three hours", Oscar asks pulling me from my thoughts. I hum in agreement and get up following him across the street.

Surprisingly the house is empty, no random friends, no random girls, the house is clean save for the fruits and waffles on the table. I smile at the array of foods wondering what the buffet was for.

"Are you expecting someone?", I ask grabbing a plate and stacking it high with bacon and eggs.

"No I just had to cook my frustrations out", he says. He motions for me to sit across from him and I suspiciously do so.

"We always do this", I chuckle.

"Do what?"

"This awkward back and forth that leads no where. And I know you said you're done with me but I want to be close with you", I smile.

"I'm not done with you I just didn't invest in trying to love you when you left", he says digging into his food.

"I mean what do I expect we started this whole thing with a punch in the face", I giggle.

There is a long silence and I start to eat. Paying no attention to him staring at me from across the table.

"Do you want to go eat sometime?", he asks placing his fork back onto the table.

"We are eating right now Oscar", I say through the mouthful of pancakes.

"No I mean like a date, do you want to go on a date with me?", he asks.

I know I'm blushing right now, and there is no point in me trying to be tough cause this man has seen me cry ten million times. Do I just say yes? Should I add some flare? Should I still play hard to get?

"Fucking finally", I say and cover my mouth, "I'm so sorry I didn't think that would come out." He laughs at my words.

"Yes Mr. Diaz I would love to", I answer rolling my eyes as he continues to laugh.

"I'll pick you up at eight. Wear something comfortable", he says before eating his breakfast.

Comfortable?! Sweats or jeans comfortable? Is this one of those things where comfortable actually means gala ready? Fuck I have no idea.