Subway Spider: Peter Parker Superfamily Story

Ughhggghgggg

So none of you have to read this, this is just a rant about some of my ~mental issues~ that I don't want to talk to about anyone about and I don't have therapy soon so I'm sorry.

So I have OCD and no it's not just me being like "oh I'm so ocd of my room isn't clean it really bothers me" no that's not correct. It's fine if your room being dirty bothers you but that is. Not. OCD.

My ocd is based on symmetry, so everything I touch, see, and hear has to be even. So like if I step on a rock with one foot I have to step on it with my other foot the exact same way again. But no it doesn't just stop there. It's hard to position these things right so whenever I go to even it out and I hit the wrong spot i have to even that out too and it's sucky. One of my longest fixes lasted an hour and a half. And I was in class and kids were judging me because they didn't know what I was doing and then I had a panic attack because I was scared they were talking about me and I was extremely frustrated that I couldn't finish my compulsion.

Another thing is that my ocd came with a tic disorder so sometimes my neck snaps around really fast or my arms jut out or my legs tense but I can usually put those off until I'm by myself unless my anxiety has spiked.

But one of the things that really bothers me is that when I'm on my phone and reading, when I swipe the words hit my eyes differently. I have no clue how to explain it other than that. So if I swipe and it hits a certain part of my left eye but not my right, I have to keep swiping from the exact same line of text every single time over and over until it feels right. And it sucks because I get to a really suspenseful part and I can't keep going because my stupid brain is telling me something's wrong.

And one of the worst parts is that I know all of this crap is irrational. I know that there is nothing wrong with only my right elbow touching a wall, but my anxiety spikes so bad when I do anything and I have to fix it.

I have to fix literally everything. Every step I take feels different, like the pressure of the step is different or I put too much pressure on one part of my foot or the ground feels just slightly different. So I get stuck in random places all the time because it feels wrong. I've been stuck in random rooms for hours because I couldn't get my steps right.

These are just a few things about my brain that are bothering me but I know a lot of people have it worse so I'm thankful but it's just hard whenever I start sobbing because the idea of stepping onto the ground is too much.

Sorry for the rant I just needed it really bad but I promise another chapter will be up by tonight or tomorrow.
-spidey