How to Avoid Heartbreaks

21

"We're here," Orion announced with a smile before stopping the engine.

He asked me out on a date but didn't tell me where. But now that I could tell that we're in a port, I figured we might go sailing.

"Is this yours?" Tanong ko sabay turo sa isang nakadaong na yate. Tumango siya bago ako iginiya papasok.

"Ooohh, so I get to ride your yacht!" Pumalakpak pa ako at excited siyang sinundan kung saan man ang tungo niya.

Pumunta siya kung nasaan ang may steering wheel at may iba pang mga kagamitan doon na hindi ko alam kung ano ang tawag. Siya yata ang magmamaneho nito at pumwesto na sa may steering wheel at may kinalikot habang ako naman ay inobserbahan lang siya.

Sumandal ako sa may dingding at patuloy siyang pinagmasdan, hindi mapigilang mapakagat ng labi dahil sa nakikita.

"Ang hottie mo naman, captain," hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili at nagsalita na.

Bumaling siya sa akin at ngumisi, "And this captain is yours." He made a clicking sound and winked at me before turning back to the steering wheel.

Naghuhumerantado ang kalooban ko dahil sa ginawa niya. Grabe ang epekto niya sa akin na feeling ko matutunaw at mababaliw na ako dahil sa nararamdaman.

Ugh, shet! Drown me captain!

Hindi ako makapaniwala na ganito ang mga naiisip ko pero hinayaan ko na lang ang sarili. Minsan lang ako nagkakaganito at masaya naman pala ang pagiging hindi in denial.

Hindi na sumasakit ang ulo ko dahil hindi ko na kailangang mag-isip ng kung ano-anong dahilan para matakpan ang totoo kong nararamdaman. Hindi ko na rin kailangang magpaligid-ligid sa kama habang iniisip kung ano ba ang pwede kong maramdaman para hindi ako masaktan.

It's also as if something inside me was freed and is now taking over me. It's like this "thing" was deprived and is now trying to get back something it missed.

"You're spacing out again." Naputol ang pag-iisip-isip ko nang magsalita si Orion. Nasa harap ko na pala siya at hindi ko man lang iyon napansin.

Pumunta kami sa may top deck at doon nakita ang mga pagkain. May mga sofa at sun lounger din doon pero sa may deck railings ako tumungo at nilasap ang malamig na simoy ng hangin. Ganoon din ang ginawa ni Orion at tahimik lang na tumabi sa akin.

"Is something bothering you?" Napatingin ako sa kaniya dahil sa tanong. Kaswal itong nakahilig sa may railings at seryoso akong tinitigan. "You usually ask where we're going but you didn't ask today. You look lost in thoughts."

Umiling ako at nakangiting mas lumapit sa kaniya. "I'm just thinking about something..."

It was about what Sugar said during the concert. It's not really something I should be fussing about but I just can't help but be concerned with my friend's welfare.

He gave me an imploring look as if waiting for me to say more. I can sense that he's curious but only stopping himself from asking.

"Is your friend, Jarvis, gay?" Diretsahan kong tanong. "It's okay if you won't answer though."

Mukhang nagulat siya sa tanong kaya mas nalito ako. My friend likes his friend. Sugar doesn't trust easily but the fact that she likes someone simply means that she trusts Jarvis.

"Are you worried about your friend?"

Damn! How did he know what I was thinking? Am I that transparent?

"She's been through a lot. I just want what's best for her."

"I can assure you that he's a good guy," he said with a reassuring smile. "Hindi lang talaga halata."

I chuckled on his latter words. We became silent afterwards while I brought my eyes to the sky, lost again in my own thoughts.

"London?" He spoke after a while.

"Hmm?"

"Are you still scared?" He swallowed hard and it seems to me that he's still contemplating. "Scared that I'll hurt you?"

Napatingin ako sa kaniya bago sumagot, "I'm always scared, Orion. And it's not you whom I'm actually scared at, it's what I would feel once things won't go the way I expected them to be."

He didn't answer so I continued, "I saw how pain affected people. I saw how love inflicted pain on people. I witnessed how it destroyed them; how it changed them. I'm scared that when I get hurt, I might not be able to function like I used to. I'm scared that I wouldn't be able to pick myself up and forever remain in misery."

Orion's special to me because I chose to see him that way. I was the one who labeled him as someone who's dear to me. And the fact that I myself chose him and to let myself be with him; to break my rules for him, it simply means that I am giving him the power to affect me. May it be something good or not, the moment I stopped showing resistance and acknowledge everything I've been denying for years, my heart's state was preordained.

I'm in the deep pit already. Whether I'm scared or not, I can't turn my back because I know that this is what I want too.

"This is a big risk for me, Orion," I said, then equalling the intensity of his stares. I came closer to him and smiled. "But for you... I'll willingly take it..."