Killed With Kindness - Loceit

Do...domestic..loceit..medicine for soul

This chapter was supposed to be 100% fluff but that wouldn't be fully realistic for someone with Jan's condition and I like to keep my fics realistic (I hope I'm portraying his mental illness correctly)

The next morning Logan woke up at 7 am as his alarm went of. He groaned while fumbling to shut it off while taking his glasses. Once his vision became less blurry he smiled because the figure cuddled up next to him changed from being a blur of color to being Janus.

They'd fallen asleep cuddling last night. Jan had been the little spoon and he was still lying with his back pressed against Lo's chest. The nerd quietly moved away since he assumed his boyfriend was still sleeping. It caught him by surprise when a gloved hand reached out and grabbed his wrist.

"Stay" Janus mumbled while turning around. His eyes were red and blood shot and there were dark circles of exhaustion under them.

"Slept well?" Lo asked after kissing him good morning.

He shrugged "Woke up at 5 and couldn't fall back asleep" He lied.

Logan nodded before sitting up. He stretched out so several of his bones cracked before getting up. He took on a pair of jeans while saying "Want breakfast in bed?"

"You don't have t-"

"I know but I want to treat you like you deserve to be treated which is like a...a very precious newly discovered form of gene molecule which the scientists have to treat with much care since they haven't found another specimen of it yet"

Janus rolled his eyes while smiling "That sounds lovely darling"

The moment Logan had left the room Jan's fake smile dropped. He buried himself down under the blankets as if to hide from his own thoughts. There was a nauseous feeling in his throat and a hole in his chest. There were so many thoughts going through his head everything was overlapping each other like a torn apart picture. There were hands on his chest and teeth against his thighs and yet it felt like his mind was 12 steps behind his body.

Janus got up and began to walk in a circle on the floor. It helped to get the imagined teeth away. Paranoid thoughts about being watched filled his brain as it moved further away from his body. He covered his mouth with his hands to silence a whimper but it felt like it was his abuser's hands instead.

A buzz like static took over his ears as he sunk down to the floor and kept his hands far away from himself. Four years of his life had already been taken away from him and his abuser had haunted him for 1 and half year. He wanted it to stop. He wanted this sickness out of him. He wanted to stop rotting. But where was he supposed to put the pain if it was so deeply woven into him that his brain had stopped working without it.

Worst of all was that this wasn't even a bad day. It was a normal day, a normal day filled with fear from the past that never left him.

When the door opened Janus let out a short yelp while flinching away. Logan put down the brick filled with breakfast on the bed and sat down next to his boyfriend. He patted his back while asking "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine" He lied while standing up. He shook his head before sitting down on the bed.

"Dear I am fully okay with you lying but in instances like this I would like to know how you are actually feeling for your own well being" Logan said while sitting down next to him.

He sighed "Sharing a bed with you has kind of brought back memories so I couldn't sleep last night"

"I could take the couch if you want"

Janus took his hand "No, it's fine. I can manage. I've been managing so far and I can continue to do it" He pinched the bridge of his nose while hissing out "I'm so fucking tired of at best being able to manage. I wish I could just force the c-ptsd out of me"