And They Were Roommates (A Sakusa Story)

10. While You Were Sleeping Pt. 3 (ft. Sakusa)

Double update cause I love you.
Word Count: 1051

And the brief period of tension cracks like an egg, Sakusa trying so hard to hold in his laughter but failing miserably and dissolving into quiet chuckles. "Wrist Watch?" He says in his typical monotonous tone, but it's gentler somehow, like his edges have smoothed over.

I burrow deeper into the blankets, hoping that it'll mask the furious blush I've surely developed by now. For a few minutes we just sit there, watching the movie without really watching, but I can tell our conversation is far from over. Now that we've gotten the ball rolling, I'm fairly sure Sakusa will open up a bit more. As if on cue, he abruptly straightens up.

"I'm worried about qualifiers." He blurts out, twisting a curl around his finger. I wait for him to continue, but he refuses to say another word.

"Why?" I prompt, urging him to elaborate. "Is it because of the virus?" I ask, putting my best effort into being soothing.

Sakusa sighs, covering his face with his hands, and I know I've hit the nail on the head. "Yes. The two week delay is bad enough, but having the tournament rescheduled because of a virus? It's like some higher power wants me to fail."

"Sakusa..."

"You know me. You see how I act around germs. And I know germs are everywhere and it's an 'irrational fear'-" he makes sarcastic air quotes, his voice heightening- "but I'm... fuck, I'm scared." He admits through gritted teeth. "I've handled this-- germaphobia all my life, but this.... it's just... you've got to be fucking kidding me."

Hearing his confession, I immediately feel stupid. During the week, Sakusa acted perfectly normal during practice. Maybe he was a little stiffer than usual, or perhaps a bit more quiet, but there wasn't the slightest indication of worry.

He's fine, right? Yes, he's fine. Sakusa's #1 in the nation, he can handle it. I'd reassured myself.

Yet here I am, watching him collapse under his insecurities like I did a month ago. Back then I found the right things to say and earned his friendship in the end, but it's like I've lost the ability to speak since then.

"And the situation's even more shitty because volleyball is all I have." He continues at a rapid pace, wrapping his arms around himself in a movement so swift, it's like he's done it before. "Being good at volleyball makes me socially acceptable. It cancelled out the germaphobia, like adding a positive 8 to a -6. The sum is still a positive number, you know? But the virus infecting the area where qualifiers being held is destroying the positive 8 before it has a chance to cancel out the negative."

His creative analogy can't stop me from having an internal panic attack. He's spiraling, cursing more and more, and if he keeps voicing his concerns out loud they'll only fester. My heart's saying there's only one thing I can do and my head is telling me not to do it, but fuck it.

He chose me because he said I understood. Because I treated him like he was human.

Not wanting to waste another moment, I close the remaining distance between us and lean into him, wrapping my arms around his fragile form as delicately as possible.

"Sakusa, it's okay." I murmur. He shudders, as if all his senses are reacting to the close contact, but I don't let go. "Tell me if you're uncomfortable." No answer, so I loop my arm around him and pull him into something that's not a hug and more like a hold.

Taking it as permission to continue, I tentatively reach up to comb my fingers through his barely damp hair, rhythmically smoothing the unruly curls. The motion seems to calm him and Sakusa sighs contentedly.

"You weren't given a gift for volleyball so you could use it to normalize yourself. You stand out, and although your fears and your talents contribute to that, they're only two fragments of who you are." I tell him, keeping my voice low. "They don't define who you are, Sakusa. And I know I've told you this before, but I'll tell you again and again if I have to. You have friends who care about you. Not your volleyball skills, not your germaphobia, you."

I feel Sakusa's breathing slow as he begins to relax. My work done, I detach myself from him and lean back, focusing my eyes on him. After a beat, he raises his head and our eyes meet. "There's nothing strange about being nervous before qualifiers, but don't you dare say volleyball is all you have. I'd like you even if your wrist wasn't so damn irwrististable." I tease with a grin, letting our intimate moment pass.

Sakusa lets out a 'hmph', having reverted back to his typical tsundere attitude, but he seems more at ease. Relieved, even. Fixing me with a curious look, he stares me down as if trying to figure me out. A too-long moment passes, and he practically rips his eyes away.

"Never do that again." He grumbles, clearly not meaning to stare.

"I know. I just thought you needed a hug, that's all."

And I'd love to savor the look of momentary confusion that falls over Sakusa's face, but I must be more tired than I thought because I'm suddenly aware of the heaviness weighing down my eyes. Thoroughly drained of all my energy, I let my head drop to my shoulder and begin my descent into dreamland.

I'm not sure how much time passes, but right when I'm about to lose consciousness, I feel Sakusa's hand brush my cheek.

"Thank you, (l/n). It was... nice, actually." Much to my dismay his fingers fall away from my skin, taking hold of a warm blanket and placing it gently around me. "You're really something, y'know?" He whispers, my sleep fogged senses barely making out his words.
"I don't know what I did to deserve you, yet here you are. This is the second time this month that you've been there for me when I'm doubting myself, and wondering how anyone could possibly love me for who I am."

"I can't bring myself to thank you in person, so maybe you'll hear it in a dream."

...

"-as much as I appreciate-"

...

"-can't do this-"

And that's all I'm able to stay awake for.

A/N: Finally, WYS is over! This little mini series went on for far longer than I expected. It's been, like, 15,000 words but I still feel like I'm moving too fast. One writing flaw I have is making fast transitions. Like, do you guys believe in Sakusa and (l/n)'s relationship development? I tried to make it realistic, but I'm still doubting myself.

Anyways, I got the NCT 127 'Neo Zone: The Final Round' album yesterday! I pulled a Johnny  photo card (rip) but I got Doyoung for my postcard (bias!!) and Jaehyun for my circle thingy. UGH I love them; their music genuinely makes me happy.

Have a good day everyone! Stay safe. Change is scary, but change is necessary.

Please don't forget to vote if you're enjoying the book :) and to vote irl too!!