Dots

Remember

Beca stared out the window and tried to remember her last night in the real world. She thinks that she spent it with the man she used to love but she can't remember his name and the more she thinks, the less she can remember his face. It's agonising but if she doesn't think or at least try to remember,  then she loses the grand game that she has been playing her entire life.

Beca hates losing.

But Beca hates games too.

It's all very contradicting and confusing; that's part of the reason she suspects that she can't handle the memories.
The other part is her enemy. The one that looks just like her. 
She stares at her reflection in the glass. There are no mirrors in her room to maintain her sanity but they've realised by now that it's a futile struggle. 
And by they she means the doctors that are trying to stop her from letting herself be consumed by her self loathing and suicidal tendencies. 

Beca rolls her eyes, more to herself than at her treacherous reflection.

What they don't get is that she can't commit suicide because she can never remember why she'd want to end her own life when it comes down to it. It's a constant struggle. Not having a reason to live and forgetting your reason to die.

"Beca?" Comes a small voice from the corner of the room. Beca snaps from her thoughts and passes a quick glance to the girl in the corner of the room. She'd forgotten she was there.

"Beca, do you remember who I am?" The girl asks.

Beca doesn't glance at her this time, instead she once again focuses on the window. The view of the asylum gardens from her vantage point is spectacular but all she ever really cares about is her reflection.  Her own hollow gaze taunts her and once again her self loathing builds.

She remembers why she wants to die.

What comes next is blanked out completely and she doesn't know how she got the knife or where it came from but she registers that she's cut herself along her wrists.  She also realises that the girl who'd sat in the corner of the room was now holding her, trying to stop the bleeding and screaming for help.  Beca fleetingly remembers her as her daughter, Sarah,  and the man she loves as man named Greg who committed suicide after she was admitted to the asylum for alzheimer's.

She remembers falling into depression and then she remembers why she wants to kill herself.

But all the thoughts are fleeting and she once again forgets it all.

She forgets the tragedy of her love but she also forgets love altogether.

She loses a game but wins another.

She hates herself for reasons she can bearly uncover.

She has no reason to carry on but she forgets she is a mother.

So Beca tries to remember what little she can about her life, her daughter and the man she still loves.

But what is a memory,  if anything at all, than another reason to relive what little feelings we humans can recall.
Beca's feelings are haunting and her recollection is vague so she lets the doctors sedate her. She allows her memories to fog and altogether her feelings disappear.
She slips into the darkness of sleep and hopes she never opens her eyes again. But still she remembers.
Everything...
Then nothing at all.