The One I Should Love

Chapter 15 | 추억

"I wasn't trying to lie to you," Hana sighed, glancing at Seokjin hesitantly, her hands clasped tightly between her up-drawn knees. 

He waited patiently, so supportive, more than she deserved when she had never been fully honest with him. 

They were sitting side by side on the roof of the agency, having snuck up to the top floor because Seokjin seemed to know the building by heart. Thankfully the rest of the members were occupied elsewhere, and they could have a moment alone, because Hana knew this was something she had to explain in person. This wasn't a conversation they could have over text.  

"There's not much to explain, really," she began, but she wasn't sure that was true. It may just be one thing that she had kept to herself, but it wasn't a small part of her life.  

Hana took a deep breath, watching the lights of the distant city below them. Until Seokjin had sent her that photo, she had almost forgotten her last secret. It wasn't that she was trying to keep things from him intentionally, but it was a time in her life that she struggled to remember fondly. 

There were so many warm moments back then, but every one was paired with a darker memory, and over time the shadows had stretched long from those flickering lights, engulfing the good times she'd had. 

Spending time with Soobin or Dasom brought back a lot of the good, but left to her own devices, her struggles from those times appeared to triple in size, the memories fragile and faded enough that sometimes she wondered what had really happened. 

"I wanted to become an idol when I was younger," she said softly. 

She knew how obvious that was from the photo he'd seen. People didn't just become trainees casually, but it was a part of her past that she didn't talk about anymore, so even the words themselves were an effort to admit. 

When she didn't say anything more, he spoke up, "Why can't you? It's not too late, your voice is amazing."

He was so sweet, always championing her, always cheering others on, even when he should be the one in the spotlight. 

She'd been embarrassed when Seokjin had delivered a hangover cure the morning after the noraebang party, and had asked him to forget everything she did that night, but he hadn't stopped talking about her singing since. 

"Sometimes people grow up and realise that their dreams are only dreams," she said into the quiet night, before turning to him with a bittersweet smile. "They aren't always possible."

Seokjin nodded slowly, thoughtful. "It's okay to let those ones go in order to be happy," he said. "But what if there was a chance? What if there was a way to make it happen?"

Hana gave a little shrug, looking down and idly pulling at a loose thread on her skirt. 

He reached for her hand, pulling her closer and holding it between them on his knee. "How can you move on without trying?"

She looked up at him, his hands a warm blanket surrounding hers. "You saw that photo," she shook her head sadly. "I did try."

They got lost in each other's eyes for a moment, his brighter than the Seoul skyline and hers full of the painful emotions she'd carried with her for a long time. All Hana could see was kindness, comfort, and trust. She wished she could transfer all of her thoughts to him just like this, so nothing got lost in translation when the awkward words tumbled out of her mouth. 

"Will you tell me what happened?"