Take Me To Church (A John Lennon Story)

Chapter Eleven: Forgive Me If You Can

After everything that had happened, all I wanted was to be alone for years.  But the government had other plans.  Because I was only seventeen I was not old enough to live by myself, so they found a foster home for me to stay with as I was never told of having any other relatives.  

But for some reason I found myself longing for John.  

I should hate him though.  He promised me his love, his faithfulness, and because of that I had hope.  Now all of it was gone.  The one time I decided to let my guard down and he got bored.  

My foster mother's name was Alta, and she had a son who was either sixteen or seventeen...I couldn't remember.  His name was Sean.  There was something a bit different about him...and the way that his mother handled him made it sound like he wasn't in the best mental health.  Perhaps he was autistic.    The first time I heard him speak was three days after I was brought to their house.  "What happened to you?  Why won't you talk to my mother?"

"Because...she's not my own mother." I said, unpacking one of my bags.  I had unpacked and repacked the same bag twice so far that day.  It was strange and repetitive but I did not want to put anything in the dresser they had cleared out for me.  "It's really hard for me to talk about...the only other person who knows is someone I do not want to talk to anymore."

Suddenly Sean began to tremble and quickly ran from my room.  I hoped he was alright...but was afraid to ask him what was wrong.  

And then that night he asked me about the person I no longer wanted to talk to.  "His name was John.  I...I do not know if I love him anymore...but I certainly did.  My father...he attacked me while he was there...but John was tied up.  Now...while I was in the hospital...he cheated on me.  So I really...don't have anything anymore."

"What about us?" Sean said.  

I didn't know what to say to that.  

Then the doorbell rang.  He ran to see who it was, leaving me alone in the spare room.  But then there was a crash in the entryway and I immediately ran to see what happened.  Sean was shouting, "Go away!  You hurt her!"  

I pried the boy off of John, who had come to visit me.  "Sean, go inside.  I'll be fine."  Reluctantly, he did.  But I was certain he was watching from the window.  John brushed off his jacket.  "Someone needs to train that ret-"

"Please don't call him names.  He...he can't help it, John." I said quietly.  "Why are you here?"  

He nervously ran a hand through his hair.  "I wanted to see you.  Ariel...I know I made a mistake...but I want to start over again.  I know you better than anyone.  We've been together through quite a bit.  All I'm asking is for us to be friends."  

Clenching my fists, I said, "Why should I forgive you?  Because of you, my world came crashing down.  My father is in jail because he assaulted me, and my quiet life is now slapped on the front page of every single newspaper.  Do you know what it's like to have people know that you've been violated?  The only person in the house that isn't afraid to touch me is Sean...they must think I've got a disease or something.  You've done nothing but torture me, John."

"The worst sin I've ever committed was thinking that you wouldn't find out about Charlotte.  I swear that to you.  I'll do anything for you.  You can live with me, I can show you my music...I'll bathe you like you wanted-"  

I blushed horribly.  "That was a lustful dream and nothing more."  

John put a hand on my shoulder.  "I still love you...and I can only hope that you still love me too."  

"Come back tomorrow."  I told him.  "Please...I need some time to myself."  

"I understand."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Even though Alta reminded me that it was a bit unwise for me to leave the house, I wanted to go to a place that was once quite familiar.  Perhaps I would find an answer there.  

People recognized me there.  Several women who were chatting by the doors went silent when they saw me.  It was like I had the plague.  One of the altar boys of the church saw me immediately, and when I sat in the first pew he walked up to me.  "Ariel, I haven't seen you in ages.  Is...is everything alright?"  

I shook my head.  "You're one of only a few people to talk to me in weeks.  It's...it's like they think I asked for this to happen."  The boy was even afraid to look at me.  "I'd want to talk...but I really need to finish lighting all the candles before mass in an hour or so.  And...just to let you know...I'm really sorry about what happened."  

Thanks...

There wasn't anyone left in the church by the time the altar boy went into the back room and the women left.  I knelt on the steps by the altar and looked up at the cross in front of me.  "Why did you let this happen?" I asked it.  "I know I'll never see him again...but I need the strength to pick up the pieces."  

Please help me.

But then there was a hand on my shoulder.  "Let me help you, my dear."  

I turned over to see my father in his priest robes smiling down at me.  He pulled me up onto my feet, causing me to scream louder than I ever had before.  "No!  No!  Leave me alone!"  

"Quiet, Ariel, someone will hear you.  Be a good girl-"

"Help!" 

Then another pair of hands grabbed me.  "Ariel!  Ariel!  Calm down!"  I fell to my knees and brought the poor altar boy with me.  I was sobbing once again and knew I could never return to this church.  It was where he preached...and I could hear his voice echoing through the cold air.  "I need to go."  I stood up quickly and hurried down the aisle.  Some of the other altar kids looked at me like I was insane.  Perhaps I was.  

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As I was looking through records at the store, I felt manicured hands grab my hips.  I whipped around to find Charlotte smirking at me.  "Want to finish what we started?" she asked, slipping her hand into my jacket.  I pushed her off of me.  "I don't want to talk to you."  

"But, Johnny, what's wrong?"  

"Don't call me Johnny." I growled.  Straightening my jacket, I said, "Just leave me alone.  I'm in love with Ariel, not you."  

Charlotte grabbed my collar.  "You didn't act that way yesterday.  Hmm...I recall you saying that you really liked me.  At least you liked the way I touched you."  The girl kissed my cheek.  "Come on, Johnny, I know you wanted me then, why not now?"

I pushed her away.  She began to get frustrated.  "You chose that religious freak over me-"  

"She was violated by her own father, you bitch," I snapped.  Several people glared at me for speaking in such a way with a woman, but I couldn't care less.  "I don't have anything else to say to you.  You need to leave us alone.  And I need to go pick up the pieces."  He walked past her, leaving her embarrassed and angry.  

But Charlotte knew that her efforts wouldn't be all for not.  She was just going after the wrong end of the relationship.

Happy New Year!