𝙃𝙖𝙧𝙧𝙮
I sit on the couch in my house next to my boyfriend cuddled into me, he's pretending like everything is fine like he's not on drugs and he's not high. I glance at my mom every now and then who is staring at Louis's face observing him as if he was a stranger she hasn't known since her best friend, Jay got pregnant with him in high school.
My mom has known Louis since he was born, Jay and she were best friends till the day her beautiful soul was torn away from my mother's life. I could tell what my mom was thinking from the stare she was giving Louis, probably thinking what happened to the cheerful energetic boy she used to know, she really still sees the baby in him whenever she looks him at his blue eyes that would also remind her of the eyes she looked at every day, her best friend's. Mom still saw the toddler reaching for her hands, the schoolboy wiping the tears away from his rosy cheeks after being bullied by a classmate. She saw the vulnerabilities, the love, the history, the times she had to drive him to school singing cartoon songs with him when his mother was too sick to get up from bed. Jay and my mother's friendship is one I've always wanted so badly.
"I'm gonna go to sleep" he mumbles, mostly to me being oblivious to my mom's stare "Louis," she mumbles, grabbing his arm lightly "what are you doing to yourself?" she asks looking into his dull blue eyes, eye bags underneath them.
"I'm fine" he whispers, trying to get away from my mother's hold
"you're not fine Louis, you're high yes you're not my son nor my boyfriend, but you and your siblings are the only ones I've got that remind me of your mother. Do you think Jay would have liked your state like that, Louis? Jay loved you, Louis. I've already lost her I'm not willing to see you end your life" I've never heard my mom talk to Louis like that, ever.
"if she would have loved me, she would have accepted me," he says coldly
"she did, Louis. It was just a shock to her, she felt bad for treating you like that on that dinner night, she was ashamed, she didn't know how to tell you after the reaction she gave you, she told me, Louis. She told me "when I die you make sure to tell Louis that I support him and I love him" you can hear the concern in her voice "she left you a letter, for me to give to you when she's dead and you've fallen in a hard place" she says before she leaves the room, in search of a white envelope.
𝙇𝙤𝙪𝙞𝙨
I take the nicely closed envelope from Anne's hand, opening it for my eyes to be met with the familiar cursive writing of my mother. What I'd do to see that handwriting once more with the date of today or even a couple of weeks earlier, what I'd do to touch those hands that once loved to write that are now bones six feet under the surface of the earth.
hey, Lou
if you're reading this then you're in a dark place and I'm dead so I'm sorry about both, the fact that I'm dead. I'm sorry I left you so early, sorry I won't watch you graduate and dance to songs I'm too old to know about with Harry in your prom. When I gave birth to you, I kept a promise to myself that I'll always support you. A couple of weeks have passed since you came out to me while we were at a fancy restaurant eating away, I do support you Louis and I had a feeling you and Harry were together but I was waiting for you to tell me and you did. I only acted that way because your dad doesn't support it and I wanted you to have parents that are still together till your mother passes away if I were to show my support for you in front of your father, he may would have divorced me, I wouldn't have been surprised. I'm sure you ran to Anne's house after that night thus you're not in your bedroom right now because you need your lover. I get it, I don't wanna forbid you from love, so Louis Tomlinson, your mother died supporting you and loving you. I love you, my beautiful pretty boy.
I don't know if it was me imagining the voice of my mother saying those words inside my head or if it were her handwriting that brought back memories of her notebooks and the times she'd have to write to my coaches I can't exercise because I've hit my knees or the letters she'd write to her penpals whenever she'd be missing them or when she had so many paperwork in her handwriting scattered on her office's wooden desk that I'd look at as a kid not understanding a word but that letter made me wanna live, knowing that my mother, also the most important woman in my life supports me and my relationship with the boy that makes me feel the most alive. It made me wanna live and stop sniffing powder up my nose with whom I thought were my best friend. Best friends won't like to see you get high and get lost trying to find yourself.
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this chapter took me like two days to write bsygxuygcuwgs
but anyway, I hope you liked this chapter as much as I liked it :)
I love you all <3
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