How to Know You're Obsessed with Artemis Fowl

Thoughts as I Watched the Artemis Fowl Movie (*spoilers*)

•Very confusing start (lots of news reporters outside Fowl Manor talking about thieves)
•Mulch comes out of the car? What? (Arrested by humans)
•This doesn't make any sense and isn't like the book already
•He's being interviewed now? (In an M16 facility)
•The Aculos?  What? (Some new tech they mentioned)
•This did not happen in the books
•It's a weapon? (The Aculos)
•Is this their way of trying to do the intro thing that happens at the beginnings of the books?  •Because if so, they're doing it badly
•I mean Mulch looks cool I guess
•Why are the humans interviewing a kidnapped Mulch?  Doesn't that like mess with the hiding of the fairies?  This was all over the news
•And what thefts are they talking about?
•Artemis is now just walking on the beach and going surfing- he is not agile enough for this
•This boy cannot even climb a ladder, let alone surf
•What does the movie gain from this?
•Where is Butler?
•Artemis did not attend school in the first book but okay
•His achievements are like accurate so that's nice, I guess
•Oh the goat thing didn't happen (Dr. Po and Artemis are taking)
•And he wouldn't have named it Bruce
•Okay so we're starting with the school counselor thing which was definitely from the second book but okay (Dr. Po from The Arctic Incident)
•I like that the chair thing is happening (Talking about his chair and it being a fake)
•Okay well this is done correctly and like word for word and I'm glad for that but it doesn't change the fact that this did not happen in the first book
•Why are they implying Angeline Fowl is dead? •Is that a lie he's told them? (Nope she's just dead in the movies)
•Artemis Fowl's hair is killing me
•It looks so bad
•Alright fine I suppose this is like semi helpful for his introduction but I do think we lose a lot
•Like he's not snarky enough
•Now he's riding a hover board
•What the hell is this?
•He's also wearing jeans and a beanie
•This is not him
•Also Artemis Sr. just hasn't been kidnapped I guess at the beginning of this?  This timeline is all screwy (He's 12 through the movie and the whole thing only takes a couple of days)
•Okay he's literally wearing a flannel now
•Also their relationship before his kidnapping was literally about finances and crime and that's it (in the book- it's very loving in the movie)
•The extent of the fairy sharing knowledge was a single book and that's it not whatever they're saying here (Artemis Sr. left Artemis Jr. a journal with all of his contact with the fairies and everything he knew from the centuries of contact the Fowls had had to help Artemis find them when he needed to)
•I'm sorry him in jeans is killing me
•Why does Artemis Fowl Sr. know all this stuff about fairies?  Like he had one experience that was mind wiped away and the fact that he lived here but that's literally it- he would not have known about the battle of Taillte
•The Tuatha De Danaan? (Not explained)
•This relationship is so casual I hate it
•We're literally 10 min in and this is so bad
•Okay he DEFINITELY did not know about Tara (Artemis Sr)
•And Artemis did not care this much at the start of this book (about people)
•What character development in his emotions is he going to have if this is how he's starting
•Make him cold and cruel I don't care
•The personalities are all wrong
•He called him "dad" like what is the point of that (instead of Father)
•Artemis is not building LEGO Ferris wheels, like you can't tell me that when two years later he builds the C Cube
•Okay why is Butler's training wrong and they demean him so much by saying "Gold's Gym In Venice California" like the book says he's top five most deadly men in the world
•He do be looking cool as hell though
•You could NOT call him Domovoi that's so incorrect (that's how he is introduced and referred to in this movie)
•The Fowl fridge does not have postcards on it
•Owl Star? Really?  They couldn't just call it the Fowl Star
•His ship was also blown up so? And it was a tanker carrying Cola so (In the books- it's found abandoned in the ocean in the movie)
•They don't even call him Butler, they call him Dom
•And Artemis saying his dad isn't a criminal is insane like Artemis literally followed in his footsteps
•You're telling me he wasn't kidnapped by the Russian Mafia in this?  Why? What's the benefit?  It was fairies? (Opal kidnapped him)
•Three days? What?  What is the Aculos and why aren't they following the books plot?
•What the hell is this?  Artemis went searching for the fairies based on stories not with confirmation?
•What is this poem? This did not exist in the book (it's a poem that guides him to find the fairies (I think))
•This is just terrible writing
•Haven does look cool as hell
•Who is Beechwood Short? (A traitor)
•We gain 0 from new characters
•Why is Mulch gigantic?  I don't see the point (he is apparently a giant dwarf)
•I like the Goblins though
•Okay I don't like Holly- the acting is not great (I mean it's a child so it's definitely not bad but it's not good)
•I really don't understand Mulch being a giant dwarf
•If it's just for comedy there's really no point
•Why is Briar in prison?  What charges?  He was literally a Lt. at first and then worked as a private In recycling (never explained)
•I get that they're trying to set some Opal Koboi thing up but this is just unnecessary
•The backstory was there already
•You're telling me we can have Chix Verbil in here but everything else is wild? Thats what we're preserving?
•Beechwood is Holly's father?  He's definitely dead in the books- why is she searching for him?
•Root is far too nice in this
•Okay Juliet is not twelve, she's his sister not niece and if they try and set up any sort of romance I'm going to scream (they did not so far)
•We're persuading the fairies to help now?
•Okay it's been 28 minutes and just this isn't the books and I think this movie would be fine if it's wasn't based on actual writing already but since it is, it's just really sad to see after waiting so long
•Is Artemis going to kidnap a fairy here? (He does but only kind of)
•And their books are just in a different language, not encoded but okay that's a minor thing
•Like having his dad give him all the starting him just really takes away from all of the character traits we see from Artemis when he's trying to find the fairies
•We're seeing no intelligence or problem solving here
•Foaly looks great
•I hate that they've removed the struggles Holly has as one of the first females in the LEP while implying that Holly is not incredibly experienced at her job
•Like explaining how the shuttles work when in the books Holly is one of the best pilots there is- really?
•The troll was definitely identified but okay but that's part of what made it so dangerous as Holly's last chance (they sent Holly to the surface saying it was an unidentified creature; Holly also went because she was the only one there, not because it was her last shot to keep her job)
•Also Beechwood's her dad?  And he stole the Aculos?  He's a traitor?  What is going on?
•Cudgeon and Root were friends so this is just unnecessary (they're just arguing and hating each other)
•Also how did he get here? I guess there's a time lapse but I don't know what it is  (in the LEP from prison- not explained)
•They did NOT do Butler like this in this camouflage (it looks bad)
•Why isn't Artemis here?  Like he was there for Tara (on the stakeout)
•It's little things like the Troll interrupting a wedding instead of being in a restaurant that I could be okay with but when combined with just everything else, it's just so much worse
•Also Holly was supposed to break orders to attack this thing by not having her do that, we're losing more aspects of her personality
Also like the executors instead of the council?  •Again, what's the point?
•At least Holly disobeys to heal the human I suppose- it still doesn't give the full effect of her personality though
•There was no time stop in this situation (Holly was proud that she didn't need them to contain the situations before)
•Also this is not how a time stop works which definitely means that they will not be using them later in the movie for the Fowl Manor siege (they do)
•She's also supposed to be out of magic and injured at the end of the battle but sure she's fine here okay and just dispatched the troll with little problem (no mention of her magic at all)
•We're supposed to see Holly risking her life against orders to save others but that's not what happened here at all (there was basically no danger implied here)
•What is happening with her father? Like she's going to clear her fathers name?  That's how we're getting her to Tara?
•Beechwood and Artemis Sr cooperated?  •That's why Holly and Artemis Jr are going to work together? 
•And we already know Opal Koboi is evil here?  •But the reveal is so good like with the use of her tech and business in the books before that knowledge
•How did Eoin Colfer approve this? 
•Oh good Artemis is here now (at the stakeout to get Holly)
•Why are they kidnapping her when literally all they want to do is get her help?  That doesn't make any sense
•They are not supposed to know anything about Fowl Manor at first
•Root was not in danger of losing her (Judi Dench plays her in the movie) ever during the books
•Telekinesis?  Umm no (this was a mentioned fairy power, but never elaborated on- fairy power had no role in this movie except one attempted Mesmer and two healings)
•I hate everything about this
•Why is Artemis literally keeping her in his dining room? The basement is no different (Holly)
•And I don't know how we got from "oh let's get help from a fairy to get my father" to "ah let's kidnap one okay"
•You can't give me that with no set up for his cruel personality- all we've seen is him being nice and a child so far so this is a big 180
•That's not what a time stop is but okay (gave a weird explanation)
•Why is this time stop working different than the last one?  With no explanation? (In the last, everyone is frozen but in this one, people are free)
•Why does the Neutrino (I'm guessing that's what it is) turn into a sword? (Not clear)
•Okay so the time stop difference has been explained and I'm okay with it (there's multiple types)
•There's so many people at the manor like there were 12ish in the book so not sure what this is (there are whole armies)
•And we've completely lost the scene where Root goes to the whaler and finds out about Artemis and that makes me so sad because I love that scene
•At least Artemis is in a suit now
•They were also super willing to kill these humans in the book so (said in the movie that they would not kill the humans- more PG, I guess)
•Why are they outside the house?  And why is Artemis fighting?  He doesn't know how to fight and instead of any mental prowess we see there instead we lose it for whatever this physical thing is (there's a weird battle here that is supposed to simulated LEPretrieval One getting beaten up by Butler, but it doesn't really result in anything except messing up the time freeze)
•He disabled the time freeze?  What? With that weird ass bow?  (They shot the machine running It, causing it to be unstable- does not have a real plot effect)
•Artemis straight up does not have a copy of the Book here, just his dads journal and where is his resourcefulness?  It's not here (the Book does not exist in this)
•At least Opal's motivation is right (fairies and humans can't coexist, she wants to rule)
•Not a fan that she's in this movie though- she's lost most of her character development through this
•Where's her tech and business experience?
•Not here so far- she's a one sided villain at this point
•15 min?  This was like an 8 hour affair where's the fun? (Artemis demanded the Aculos In 15 minute so he could rescue his dad, but he didn't know they didn't have it)
•Dwarves are definitely fairies so it's weird that there's an implication that they're not and that they don't follow Fairy rules (this is how they get Mulch in- Artemis says no fairies can enter, but apparently this doesn't include dwarves)
•Music- are you kidding me? (Mulch is listening to human music in prison before Root gets him out)
•Mulch definitely does like tunneling so why change it? (Says he doesn't)
•I hate the sunglasses- they look so cheesy (the mirrored ones)
•Why is Artemis trusting Holly?  Why are his sunglasses off?  This is not how this worked (she did not Mesmer him)
•They're bonding over her dead father and the Aculos? (I guess this is them becoming friends)
•Her dad was sworn to protect it?  Portals between worlds?  What??? (Holly's dad has to protect it and is a traitor because he his it from the fairies- it opens portals)
•Okay Artemis your dad was literally a full criminal I do not care what you say and so are you- like some say you're worse than your dad I don't care (he keeps yelling that his dad is not a criminal)
•Mulch was supposed to go in and find info not rescue Holly but sure (told by Root to rescue Holly)
•What IS Root's first name in the movie?  Is it still Julius?
•What's up with Mulch's pop culture references?  (Not clear)
•Mulch HAD magic that he gave up to be a thief so why is he complaining (complaining that fairies have so much magic and he has none)
•Also they've basically named elves fairies and everything else is outside that even though all those species are types of fairies but whatever
•Did they just run out of money to make Mulch normal dwarf sized?  Is that was happened? (Not clear)
•WHAT WAS THAT WITH HIS MOUTH?  HORRIFYING (he pries it open with his fingers)
•Why is he not entering through the cellar?  (Enters through a painting on like the first or second floor (above ground))
•The house is supposed to be way better protected than this (no protection)
•Mulch just looks like a man not a dwarf
•And this book that he's going off- why could we not have just gone with the Fairy bible?  •What's the difference except to change it from the book
•Artemis didn't know about the safe? Wrong.  (Mulch finds the safe (behind the painting, not in it) but Artemis didn't know it existed)
•Also Butler is supposed to get BLASTED here and he's just not going to
•Artemis is just letting her out now sure okay hmm no wrong (she doesn't not escape)
•At least she punched Artemis (no lollipop comment and now they trust each other)
•Not sure why Butler wouldn't have been there but they've removed all of Butler's point so far so
•The Aculos was just in the safe?  I hate this movie
•This feels like a low budget reproduction of some other movie that isn't based on this book
•Opal is so vain- there's no way she would wear a cloak when she's alone (she wears a cloak so you never see her face and uses a voice modifier)
•The writing is just truly awful
•They had to make the troll stronger because of how easy they made it look to defeat earlier in the movie but that could've been avoided
I hate how everyone in this house is working together (the troll is taken down by Holly in the beginning with no difficult whatsoever so they have it things to make it angry and stronger)
•Also I know I'm about to be real disappointed by this troll battle (I was)
•Butler would not have gotten pickpocketed but sure (Mulch stole his wallet)
•Artemis and Mulch were not here for this battle in the books
•Where's the elephant tusks?  I'm disappointed  (the troll has little, lame teeth)
•And they're jamming the magic?  They could've just followed the book and this wouldn't have been necessary (Cudgeon jams magic in the house so the troll doesn't have to worry about the Neutrinos)
•Artemis would not be fighting I don't care what this movie has tried to establish (he did fight, though)
•Okay so Holly is stuck and just not doing anything but screaming other's names sure that's wrong but okay (she hangs from the chandelier for the entire battle)
•Listen all I want to see is Butler almost die then Holly accidentally reviving him and then him fighting it in a suit of armor (nope)
•That's not a lot to ask
•Are we going to see Holly's compassion for fairies here like in the book where she tells Butler to spare the troll?  I'm guessing no
Butler is really just useless so far and all I'm watching is the removal of one of the coolest scenes in the entire series
•Okay so it looks like Holly is going to save Butler but the troll is down so I'm still not going to get to see him kicking the troll's ass
•Oops nope she can't save him because magic is blocked okay.
•Butler literally got landed on that was it he didn't even fight this is pathetic (the troll is dead but "killed" Butler when he fell on top of Butler)
•Is Butler just going to die?  What?  There's no way
•So we're not doing a blue rinse here? Got it
•Kelp and the LEPretrieval One really just did NOTHING here (mentioned once)
•Okay so Butler is revived but like what are they going to do in book 3 when Butler dies and Holly says she can't bring people back from the dead easily when they just did that
•I guess Artemis just isn't greedy in this (no gold mentioned ever)
•What is this time distortion stuff?  (Result of unstable time stop)
•I don't get the point of this- if we just followed the books it's like two lines of explanation and we can avoid whatever this is
•Did they assume the book would be boring without all of whatever this is?
•I'm pissed about the blue rinse- Artemis' final bit of planning was such an amazing reveal and I'm so disappointed
•"The Aculos for my father" How is this so much worse than the gold for my mother and we'll deal with my father in the next book
•I KNOW he did not just called them "forever friends" (he did and it was bad)
•They didn't even like each other until most of the way through book 2 and then only begrudgingly
•And now we're quoting the actual Book here instead of just having it exist (to use the Aculos and teleport Artemis Sr. back to Fowl Manor)
•What Magic is this that Opal is using?  She just has normal fairy magic until Book 8 so that doesn't make any sense (it's weird Fire, decay magic)
•Also how did anyone become friends when there were maybe three conversations and nothing happened at all
•This has been so jumpy
•Why does this house straight up have like zero doors on rooms (lots of arches)
•Okay so Artemis Sr is back I guess
•"I just followed the story with a little help from my friends" that's just so utterly incorrect
•Then introducing his dad to Holly like in the series his dad literally stays mesmerized the whole time and never learns about Holly so I'm missing the point here
•I hate that their fathers' knew each other and this is a plot
•Opal's accomplices?  That's a full list when there's literally three but okay
•Butler did NOT just pick up Artemis Fowl Sr in a hug (he did)
•Also why is Haven underwater?  Are Haven and Atlantis just one city now? (Not clear)
•I do not understand the forced plot here when there was literally one given to them in the books
•Okay so the second book just isn't happening at all but I'm guessing this isn't getting another movie regardless and I'm not sad about it
•I was really hoping this would be a Harry Potter and instead it's a Percy Jackson
•Why is Foaly so tall too (horse sized)
•And why does she have a team?  I guess for her fake mission to avenge her father (lots of people to help her hunt down Opal's people, etc)
•I'm confused why we're pretending these men aren't criminals?  Or I guess why they aren't criminals in this movie? (Lots of denying of thievery)
•Except he just called himself a criminal mastermind so not really sure what's happening (yeah no clue)
•Now they're going to deal with Opal once and for all I guess and also without Butler but sure (they're flying off with Mulch and Holly towards some mountains)
•This is very confusing
•I'm just lost why we're saying the Fowls try to keep the peace when literally Artemis almost exposed them in the first like four books, either attempted or accidentally
•Artemis orchestrated the arrest and now they're getting him out?  He just need to tell the M16 about the fairies real fast?  Did I miss something here?  (Still lost, though I was definitely tuned out)

Final Thoughts: 1/5 stars

     This has to be one of the worst movies I've ever seen, regardless of being based on a book or not.  The writing is bad, the acting is bad, there's no plot development, and it's very jumpy.  I know I was very nit picky in my comments about this, but I was just astonished with the things they changed.  This was like someone wrote a fanfiction AU of Artemis Fowl and they turned that into the movie instead of the actual book. 
     Most of the small stuff I could absolutely be on board with, except for the character development ramifications it had.  Artemis was portrayed as  nice child of what was shown as rather average intelligence, who was also not a criminal and cared for people deeply.  At the beginning of the books, Artemis was cruel and materialistic.  We get to see him grow and change and by making his personality different, we lose so much chance of growth.  We also see him as sporty and able to fight easily, which really just takes away Butler's point.  He's absolutely not a villain in this book, which makes the whole thing a little bland- seeing a truly morally gray main character who is also a child and struggling with losing his parents and trying to save them by himself was so impactful as a child.  Butler honestly had no role in this movie and could have been replaced with a broom and it would've made no difference.  He never defended Artemis truly and we missed out on all his best scenes.  Even the one in which he was close to death, it was because the troll fell on him while he was standing around, not after he'd fought to protect Artemis and Juliet.  Juliet said like two lines and was kind of just there.  She could fight, but she didn't really and we didn't see any aspects of her personality that made her a real person. 
     Angeline is just dead- not sure what's up with that, but they've removed all chances for the books 6 and 8 (no twins, who were integral parts of that, not to mention their spin off series) to happen.  Artemis Sr.  Has been rescued already (from the wrong person), with like no ramifications to his personality because they gave him the personality of Artemis Sr. once he's been rescued already.  He denies most criminal activities and is loving and kind towards his son.  He also does have both legs so we're likely not going to see him with a prosthetic, which I think is a big thing that they've cut out for all the kids who had maybe hoped to see themselves on screen like that. 
      Kelp had no role in this movie.  Root was fine, not much to say there.  Not angry enough.  I like the gender bending here, but I do feel that Holly's struggles as one of the first women in the LEP has been removed and not adequately represented anywhere else, which was a big part of why she fought so hard in the beginning.  Holly also just had this whole thing with her dad, that I suppose was supposed to account for her struggle but it felt underdeveloped.  She also had very little internal dilemma about helping Artemis (because he wasn't a villain in this movie) so a lot of their problems in the next few books as they learned to work together have just been removed.
    They just removed so much of the plot and of the true world building of the books and just presented a stripped down version that wasn't enjoyable to watch.  It was missing some of the best scenes in the entire series that it could've had if it just followed the books.  I'm not really sure why they chose to make it different, but I think they lose a lot in doing so. Of course, I'm extremely biased and I'd love to hear your opinions, but I just felt like this movie was awful and truly disrespectful to the books. 

Love you all,
Holly Giovani