sunflower 🌻, johnjae [ ✔ ]

126

-💫-

i wake up with a ringing in my ears.
i pick up my phone.

"happy birthday."

"thanks tae."

"are you okay?"

"yeah, i'm okay."

"alright. make sure to meet mrs. choi at 2pm."

"of course,"
and i immediately hang up.

a sigh escapes my lips.

there's no water on the bedside table when there usually is.

i look at the sunflower that peeps behind the curtain.
the leaves are all crisp and frail. it's practically dead at this point, even though i've been watering it every single day.

what a waste of time.

for some reason, i'm tired and feel like i've barely gotten sleep when in reality, i've slept an eleven hours straight.
this is basically peak depression, well, what taeyong says to me all the time.

i hung out with johnny and jaehyun until late, so maybe that's why i'm so sleepy.
it was already draining seeing them alone anyway.

i didn't want to be cooped up in the same karaoke room with them for five whole hours but they insisted,
since i'm the birthday boy.

say, it's monday. today is my birthday.

whatever.

i drag my feet to the kitchen and stare at the bulletin board on the fridge.
i squint, rubbing my eyes. i forgot who mrs. choi was, even though she was mentioned literally minutes ago.
also forgot i had to go see her.

taeyong referred me to a therapist.
there's really no way out of this, i find no use in talking to some random stranger if i can't even trust my friends.

but apparently, 'ever since they got together and publicly announced their status, i'm more upset.'

what a load of bullshit.

it's like, just because i don't necessarily have a spark of joy every moment of the day, i'm automatically depressed.
even though i've gotten that shit checked and apparently i do, but i don't believe anything doctors say.

i feel like everything is ending within the tip of my fingers.
if only i could just disappear.

i seriously, don't want to live anymore.

...

i wonder what the point of today is.

-💫-