since the first chemo treatment went well for the most part, i decided to go through with the rest of them. the constant sick feeling was overwhelming, and with billie calling by facetime nearly every day, she's witnessed a few of my vomiting spells.
during medical school, i'd read up about chemo treatments and how long side effects - nausea, vomiting, hair loss, etc. - last, and it said that in most cases, the side effects would last until the full treatment was over, and up to seven says afterward. i was quietly dreading the says until the second treatment - the second treatment being today.
billie had been concerned about my constant ill feeling, and threatened to come home with every call she made. she would say things like, "if you're still sick by this time tomorrow, i'm gonna fly my ass over there and nurse you back to health, just like you did for me."
i didn't doubt it. i knew she would, at some point, come over while she's on break, and see just what was making me sick.
i still haven't told her. i don't have the guts to. our relationship, although it being short lived already, was straining against time and travel - and the worst possible thing to do at this point, would be to tell her that i was dying.
i want to tell her, i really do - i just don't have the strength to tell her at this moment. i'll tell her when the tumor is removed and my life is prolonged. i swear on my life, she will know eventually.
i watch the slow drip of the IV and sigh deeply, my brain being clouded by thoughts of billie and the way the conversation would go.
scenario # one.
i tell her and she decided she doesn't want to to be with a hairless cripple with a fatal disease.
scenario # two.
i tell her and she wants to quit her job to take care of me.
scenario # three.
i tell her and she says she loves me but she's not putting her life on hold for a girl with cancer.
scenario # four.
i don't tell her and there would be nothing for her to leave me, or leave her tour over, i die while she's away and she'd forget about me anyway.
i shove my hand through my hair and sigh, my eyes closing as my body relaxes in the chair.
every day, billie calls at one in the afternoon on the dot, and then she facetimes me at around eleven at night. the schedule is constant, and it's become normal for the both of us.
i work overnights, sleep until noon, go to chemo on wednesday's and then i eat a small dinner at home until i have to go in at midnight.
billie does interviews all day, and sometimes she gets to go sight seeing, sending me pictures and videos as she goes. she then calls me at one in the afternoon, and then she does soundcheck, does her show, and then calls me as she's winding down from the high of performing.
i work while she's asleep, and she works while i'm asleep. we talk when we both have down time and her mom even sends me pictures and videos of her shows.
i look down at my phone, the time now being 1:05pm. i figure the time just got away from her.
my phone vibrates with a notification from instagram and i raise my eyebrows.
billieeilish made a post
billieeilish tagged you in a post.
billieeilish
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tagged drgwendolyndene
liked by alllnightmarelong, bilstan, antisocialeilish, wishuwxergay, and 4,075,483 others
billieeilish missing her so much that i'm finna see her ass today.
view all 6,382,395 comments
dshiety bro what the fuck she's hot
madison_pulis who is she???
claudiasulewski i'm so glad you're happy, billie!
billieeilish liked
bilscumstains wait, are they together??
ten minutes ago
i watch as the notifications flow in on my account. thousands of new followers and mentions, as well as tags from fan accounts, crowd my notifications.
being distracted by the notifications, i almost didn't have time to process the caption of the photo.
