Permanent Scars

Orientation Day

August 30. Wednesday. 7:34 a.m.

Daddy made a big breakfast this morning before gathering his things and hugging me goodbye. He had to catch his train; he's going away on important business and he won't be back till late September.

   It's no fun eating breakfast alone in a modestly sized house, so I take a couple pancakes with me on my walk to school. Leaves have already started falling off the trees even though summer hasn't quite ended, and the sky is a clear, brilliant blue. Normally I only get to make these observations from the high window of the study at my private school, but I don't get to go there anymore. I have to go to public school like everyone else. And I am walking, because I don't like trains and I don't trust the busing system.

   Daddy says I'm sure to meet some kids I'll like. I really doubt it; nobody I ever met ever liked me. I wonder why he doesn't recall what trouble I had in kindergarten and first grade; I was publicly schooled then, and always bullied, which is part of the reason he enrolled me in private school instead. He couldn't bear to have me tortured like that.

   Maybe he still remembers, but thinks I'm old enough now that things will be different. I'm not going to hold my breath. It never did me any good.

    The patched, navy blue backpack slams into my spine every time I take a step, rocking back and forth with the force of my stride. Leaves crackle on the pavement throwing bright pops of orange, red and yellow against the gray canvas of my sneakers, and a light breeze threads its way through the hole in the left elbow of my hoodie. The air is sweet and I can't help thinking that I'd rather spend my day out here than inside some massive school building full of people I don't know. It's so beautiful outside. There is a very apparent lack of the usual cold, pressing vibe of this place where everything is always dripping like it just rained, and it always seems to be night. Neon signs reflect off the wet streets, doors are chained closed, parts of the city are forbidden, almost everyone wears leather and trench coats and wonders how they got here. Something isn't coming, it's already gone.

   But today, all that seems inexistent. It's a nice change. Makes me wonder if it will stay this way for awhile. I've lived most of my life and I've barely experienced daylight. Such a shame to waste a day like this going to school.

   Speaking of, I wonder what it looks like. Daddy says I can't miss it; it's the newest, most current piece of architecture around. He says this school is replacing the old one that I went to when I was little. That doesn't make sense, since I wasn't in high school then. Unless they educated everyone in the same massive building. The old school was large, I know that. My private school was in a different, larger city, but worth the travel and boarding. That city wasn't as dark as this one. It was friendlier, more open; a place for tourists. It was convenient for Daddy, too, at least for the longest time. Now, suddenly, it no longer appeals to him. He wants me to stay here in this small, simple town. He wants me to meet people and make friends.

   A little frown flits over my face. I don't think I want any friends. Besides, I can't make friends if no one likes me, and I especially can't if I don't like them to begin with. And how does one make friends, anyway? I hate imposing myself upon people. I made that mistake by talking about my ukulele to a girl at the private school who boarded near me, hoping I had found a friend in her, but she was weirded out and needless to say, we never spoke again.

   People are bewildered by my passionate nature. That's just the truth of the matter. It's hard to make friends, and that's not to say that I haven't tried, because I have. Many times. It's just that in recent years I gave up trying to be friends. I have no use for people who have no compassion and no time for anything that isn't stupid.

   The frown on my face grows a little darker. I look around, not seeing the building. There are other buildings, sure; ones I'm familiar with from doing errands with Daddy. Stores, eateries...but no schools.