Permanent Scars

If Shadows Could Freeze

October 16, Thursday. 1:32 p.m.

Cowardice—something all human beings are guilty of at some point, and I am no exception. Upon reading that death threat yesterday, I should not have fled into my house. I should have investigated further. I am not a coward, but I was last night.

   I shouldn't make excuses, but I'm honestly just so tired of everything lately. I just need a break. Being sick didn't really count because I was...well...sick. Put that on top of bullying, vandalism, Adam's situation, and my own personal insecurities and worries, and you get a very draining mix. Each thing is draining on its own. Somehow, I've been able to handle it all so far. I'm not doing very well, but at least I'm trying. All anyone can do is try their best.

   Still, I wonder how much more I can take before I break.

   Coughing into the crook of my elbow, I take a deep breath swallow the two VictualCaps that serve as my lunch. I'm glad I remembered we have a stash of these in the cellar; they're the only thing I can put in my body that—oddly enough—won't make me gag or throw up. Even though I've recovered from my illness, I'm still having a very hard time with actual food.

   Because my father is in the military, I have access to these. VictualCaps are a food pill that you can swallow and gain nutrition from without going through the trouble of smelling, tasting, chewing, and swallowing. There are also things known as Watorbs that are supposedly really good sources of hydration. They're like edible water beads, but the hydration rate is ten times higher than your average intake of water. I know the military, navy, and air force have them in place of traditional provisions and rations, but the general populations do not—at least, not yet anyway. I'm sure once the food rations begin to drop even more drastically, the government will issue large supplies of the stuff. To be honest, I don't think I'll mind one bit when that happens. Adam will mind, I'm sure; he likes his physical food. Cake especially.

   Why am I even thinking of him right now? I miss him, I guess. It's been awhile. I hope he's doing okay.

   Slowly ingesting some water to accompany the VictualCaps on their way down, I leave the kitchen and wander to the front door, tying my sneakers. I'm going to explore the garden today. Assess what damage might have been done. While the vandals did not return last night, I'm not going to hold my breath—they always seem to strike when I least expect it. Just like the bullies, in a way, although I've come to anticipate their attacks. Problem is, as much as I anticipate them, I always seem to fall prey.

It's another beautiful day out here. Sun shining, crisp October breeze, bright blue sky, and white fluffy clouds that wouldn't dare rain on anybody's parade. Actually, it's warmer than yesterday was—warm enough that I can be out here without wearing a jacket or even a hoodie.

If I must be honest, I'm grateful the season has given me a day of T-shirt weather. After being sick, I've grown rather weary of wearing long-sleeves and layers.

Mackerel follows me into the backyard, nosing her way beneath the overgrowth that's begun to turn brown in preparation for their impending winter's nap. I smile at the kitten, happy that someone other than me finds pleasure in this decaying place. Over the years I've tried to restore the garden to its original state—at least, the state I remember it being in when Mama was still alive. However, it's a lot of work and I don't necessarily have a green thumb, so the state it's in now is the state it will remain in as nature slowly reclaims itself.