Trust

And then I start to feel the walls as they crumble and fall

The morning came way too quickly for my liking. Sleeping in Nick's arms I didn't feel the weight of the world crashing down onto my shoulders, but now, wide awake, our legs tangled together and our hands holding onto each other, I definitely felt it again. The guilt was back, so were about a thousand other feelings.

I watched Nick sleep for a while, memorizing the birthmarks on his face, his light stubble, the way his hair was all around the place, not styled perfectly like usually. The way his fingers were laced through mines, the hair on his chest – a quality that many women hate, but I just adore, especially on him -, the soft smile playing around his lips, even when he's asleep. He looked beautiful, even if you don't call men usually that.

It took me a while to admit myself that my little fangirl crush has developed into something way more complex. This wasn't harmless anymore, I couldn't just walk away unhurt. I couldn't just leave and think back to the experience as totally innocent. I don't know when it happened, but it happened, somewhere along the many texts, phone calls and FaceTime discussions, this boy– man - made his way into my heart.

I fell in love with him – or at least this is what I think love feels like. As much as I tried to ignore it, it happened bit by bit. This is why the guilt only came after months, this is why I shared everything with him, this is why I trusted him without a doubt. This was love.

And it was incredibly stupid of me. How could I let this happen? I knew that our lives weren't compatible from day one. I knew that this couldn't lead to anything, but me getting hurt. Was it wort it? Were these past months worth the pain that was heading in my direction with the speed of light?

As stupid as it sounds, I think they were. Having Nick sleep peacefully next to me, getting the chance of seeing him at his most vulnerable, getting an insight on how he is as a person, in his private life... It was all worth it.

I quietly slipped out of bed, heading towards the bathroom. I needed a shower, I needed to at least try to wash the feeling of being dirty off.

I waited for Nick to wake up in the living area, sitting by the dining table. I didn't feel able to just slip back into bed, as much as I wanted to. I needed to think and his proximity, even if he was asleep, stopped me from that.

It didn't take long for him to come out, only wearing some sweatpants and a white tee. He's also had a shower, his hair was still slightly wet, a happy smile was playing around his lips.

'Why are you up?' he asked, then took his diabetes kit and started his morning routine.

'I ordered breakfast,' I said, avoiding the answer. How could I tell him that I was just feeling too guilty to spend any more time in bed with him. That I felt even guiltier than before due to realizing I was in love with him? 'It should be here any minute.'

'Okay, but that's not an answer to my question,' he said, frowning, as he pinched his finger, sitting down to a chair on the other side of the table. 'Talk to me.'

'Yesterday's over,' I said, fixing my glance on the wood of the table. Our day of not caring about the outside world was gone, and in a few hours we'd both be out of this country, back to our own homes. This talk needed to happen now.

'Oh.' Is all he said, finishing up with his routine and packing the kit away. He knew what was coming, he wasn't naïve to not to expect it.

'I need to know where we stand, Nick,' I said softly, looking up at him. His expression is unreadable, his glance is fixated on my face. 'I need to know what to expect. You need to give me something to work with.'

'What do you mean?' he asked, frowning. He knew what I meant, he just wanted to hear me say it, which made me roll my eyes at him, not caring that he hated it.