Schatzi

41

Eli was aware of the danger he was in and yet he wasn't scared. But it wasn't bravery. One time Lotte had called him brave for leading The Pink Order in the way they had before the Dolphi and Tig incident. He'd laughed and reminded her she was supposed to be the smart one. She should have remembered he'd never been brave. He cried at almost everything and was so emotionally unstable a stubbed toe could set him off. He didn't like to catch the spiders and whenever there was one in the house he'd get Peter to catch it. When Peter disappeared he'd just let them stay in the house and skirt around them when he had to pass them in the hallway. Then when he'd moved in with Lotte and Evelin he was safe again because Lotte caught them in her bare hands without a second thought. He'd realised then maybe Peter's attempts hadn't been as impressive as he'd once considered them. Maybe a grown man screaming at a tiny little creature as he slid a piece of paper under a cup wasn't the epitome of courage after all.

Eli didn't consider himself brave. That definitely wasn't it. He handed out those leaflets out of desperation for a change when he still had hope Peter could be alive and out there somewhere and if they were able to get some more people on their side they could campaign to get him back. Not only was he a coward, he was also an idiot. Something like that could never happen. Nothing ever went that well. If anything now, he was numb. He was tired. He'd had enough of waiting for death and was ready to face it now.

In this world, he'd already accomplished everything he ever could in his life if this was how it continued. What else could he do other than keep hiding until the war was over? And even then, what if Germany won? It'd be a lifetime of hiding and waiting to die. At 29 years old, he'd already accomplished everything he ever would.

When did he stop living and start only surviving? Was it when Peter disappeared? No. That had destroyed him and for a long time he thought he'd never recover but he had. He'd kept living even without him and even though it hurt. It hurt everyday for so so long but he hadn't given up then. Maybe he should have. It would have saved a whole lot of pain. But he moved on as best as he could and continued living. He tried to make a difference and failed, getting three more of his friends killed in the process. It was probably after that. Everything seemed so hopeless. Nothing had ever worked out the way it was supposed to. Everything had gone wrong.

He remembered when he was little and had faith. When his mama would teach him everything her family had taught her about their religion. Her family had been pretty orthodox but she'd stopped practicing a lot due to Eli's father. He was Christian and didn't approve. But she was determined to teach Eli and he'd quickly become invested. He loved learning about the traditions but more so he loved having time to be exclusively with his mama. They'd celebrate Shabbat together while his dad would leave and usually go to the bar or a friends house for most of the day. But he'd be there on Friday when Rachel and Eli were rushing around to get prepared before nightfall on the first time they'd decided to acknowledge the holy day. He'd scoffed at Rachel taking a day off work when money was as low as it was, even though it was his fault they had none in the first place. But then he'd be out on Saturday, at least during the evenings if not all day, and it could just be the two of them.

It was a special memory that Eli never wanted to forget. He still remembered sitting on the raggedy old sofa on Friday with his elbows resting on the arm, propping his head up as he watched his mama light the candles as the sky outside began to turn a rusty shade of orange. He remembered how the flame lit up her tired face and he could see how beautiful she was when she was relaxed and happy. For over a decade, all he ever saw was the run down and tired woman who was forced to snivel and obey the man she clearly didn't love and it didn't suit her. She always seemed distant and lost but with the flickering candles in front of her as the sun slowly set, she was truly beautiful.