better than me - minishaw

headfirst for halos

PLEASE LISTEN TO THE SONG I PUT,, PRETTY PLEASE FOR THE CHAPTER — ITS IMPORTANT AND ITS ALSO GOOD I LOVE THE GUITARS IN IT SO MUCH

also tw: suicidal thoughts.

simon.

Although he felt happier, every day at school was worse. Football was becoming a dreaded activity, it wasn't fun anymore. JJ wasn't there for him and he realised it. If it was awful before, it was way worse at the moment.

Something happened to JJ, he barely talked to Simon now. They all still had lunch together but now Josh and Tobi wouldn't hold back on hurling insults because their pea brains thought it was comedy. Somehow Ethan was the nicest to him, his demeanour hadn't changed.

On that Monday, Simon walked to school alone, trying to avoid JJ. It wasn't successful because the moment he entered school grounds, they found him. JJ was right outside his locker, waiting for him. Thankfully the others were nowhere to be seen so it couldn't be a bad thing, right?

"Hey, Simon," JJ said in a singsong voice which made Simon's skin prickle. That wasn't a good tone and he had to press his legs together so his knees wouldn't shake. When he didn't say anything and stood there silently, JJ continued. "Mate, where the fuck have you been?"

"What do you mean?" Simon questioned him, hoping he didn't stutter because JJ definitely wasn't being friendly.

"Oh, you definitely do. You've been missing for the past few weeks, you never show up to hang out anymore, what happened to you?" Although JJ was angry, Simon could sense the hurt in his voice, after all, they had known each other for years. "What's the reason, give me a fucking answer!"

"I just can't. I'm sorry JJ, I just can't keep up being like this anymore. You of all people know what I'm actually like, just let me be myself."

JJ just scoffed at those words. "So you mean you want to go back to being that antisocial kid whom everyone hates? I did everything I could fucking do for you to stop being bullied and now you're just walking away?"

"JJ, you were bullied too, I know you felt the same that I do now. You just adapted, I can't. I'm sorry, JJ, I just can't deal with all of this shit anymore, just let me be myself." Simon hated saying it but he had to, school was his only safe place and everyone was constantly trying to change him, mould him into the person they wanted him to be. He fucking despised it, school wasn't as bad as home but it was close. He hadn't done this before because he didn't have anywhere else to run but now he saw comfort in his new friends, especially Harry. He couldn't stand living like this anymore, he had to say goodbye.

"Simon, you know I can't protect you anymore, you're going to be alone now." Simon saw the pain in his eyes as JJ spoke, he didn't want him to leave.

"I'm aware." Simon gave him a small smile. "I guess this is goodbye then."

"I guess this is." JJ shook his head and left and Simon nearly began crying right in the middle of the school hallway.

It pained him so much to have done that but he didn't have another choice. JJ had to keep his reputation up, even if Simon thought it was the dumbest thing in the universe. But it had helped before, Simon wouldn't have survived secondary school if not for it. JJ had always had his back, he protected him from anything, while Simon would keep him grounded in return.

But their friendship couldn't be sustained for any longer. It had been years since they met and they were completely different people now. Their paths had divided and they had to accept it.

.•*

Simon was absolutely miserable. He spent the entire morning in one of the bathroom cubicles, staring at the wall, thinking about every single mistake he had made. When it was lunch, the bathroom wasn't quiet anymore so he went to the music room, wanting to forget everything. The drums were his only comfort at the moment for he couldn't just go up to Harry and say that he was the only thing keeping him from wanting to die when they had only become friends a bit over a month ago.

He absentmindedly began playing Headfirst for Halos by My Chemical Romance because maybe he had listened to that song way too much over the past few days. The song's cheery tone fooled most people, they wouldn't listen deeper to the dark lyrics and overall message. The guitars in it were absolutely incredible and never failed to distract people from the storyline which was actually about suicide.

"well let's go back to the middle of the day that starts it all,
I can't begin to let you know just what I'm feeling.
and now these red ones make me fly and the blue ones make me fall,
and I think I'll blow my brains against the ceiling.

and as the fragments of my skull begin to fall,
fall on your tongue like pixie dust,
just think happy thoughts."

The character would repeat last few words, "think happy thoughts", over and over, trying to prevent himself from committing suicide. In the end, the message is suddenly cut off, representing the character finally killing himself, his own words weren't useful enough to stop him.

He knew it was unhealthy for him to listen to that song on repeat but he just couldn't stop himself, at least it drowned out the voice inside his head telling him to do the same. Simon was about to break down crying when Harry entered the room.

They agreed to meet up in the same place when the school day handed and that lifted Simon's spirits up a little, but only for a short while. When the final bell rang, Simon left the bathroom stall (he wasn't feeling good enough to attend class) and was met with the displeasing faces of Josh and Tobi. Ethan was just sitting on the sink, eating sweets, watching what was about to happen.

The two boys grabbed him and dunked his face into the toilet. Simon came back up, sputtering and wondering why this was happening now. He was fucking seventeen, this hadn't happened to him since he was twelve.

The two boys were calling slurs — how creative of them — whilst the other laughed. Simon didn't even care, he wasn't listening anymore, he was distracted by the other boy whose face appeared in the doorway for a millisecond. He managed to see the remorseful expression on his face, he knew this wasn't JJ's fault, as much as he wanted to blame him for all of this.

author's note: oH MY GOD I HATED WRITING THIS SO MUCH — I CANT EVEN IMAGINE TOBI BEING MEAN TO ANYONE I LOVE HIM OKAY

if you don't know, this story was originally posted to ao3 (although it's still not completed there) so this was written a month ago. I was feeling absolutely awful and this ended up coming out. I'm in a better mental state now and I fucking hate this chapter (although the song is still one of my favourites)

so yeah, I'm sorry. it's not even good, the beginning is too melodramatic for me,,,

2001 My Chemical Romance is great because they didn't know what song structure was but the lyrics!!! and the rawness!!! and the storylines!!!