Specularis (The Order - Vermish)

0.5: loved me with your worst intentions

PART I: how do i make you wanna stay

It took us a long time to get here. There were so many a time where everything fell to pieces. Hell, to say we had a rough start would be a grave understatement. Everything between Vera and I began due to something out of pure want and attraction and lust.

I believe the spark ignited even that first time we saw each other. Back when we considered ourselves civil enemies to achieve a mutual goal – beating Edward Coventry – my interest had already been piqued. It was for sure strange, but it turned out to be another thing we agreed on (she also admitted to having been attracted to me during that first proper meeting).

That first night, first time- it meant nothing, of course, but at the same time, how great we were together, how amazing she felt pressed against me; it was enough to pull us back to each other every time. And I would be lying if I said that our antagonism did not make the sex hotter, now that was an absolute plus.

All the good moments were great, but in the beginning, those were scarce, only shared every time we were intimate. The bad ones- oh, they were the worst. And every single time felt like the end. And it only got scarier and scarier each time.

An instance that could describe as one of the most disastrous was the first of the big ones.

I confess that I anticipated there to be a lot, but the reaction it got out of me still was something that I had no control of. We had no trust in each other. We were supposed to be enemies; supposed hate each other. It was only time for a real argument.

But the intensity in contention Vera had and the callousness that possessed her character, it was an overwhelming wake-up call that signaled to the point of no return.

I remember I was just handing her usual drink to her at her desk then as she consumed every last bit, she chuckled in a way that made her seem like a stranger to me. The sound of it hinted at the cruelty she felt.

"I didn't even think about the possibility that you were using me. How pathetic."

"Where is this coming from?"

"Do you think so lowly of me, acolyte, that I would not figure out this whole charade?" Yet again, she released a laugh so cold and unfeeling. "Tundra, right? Isn't that your hide? The cunning one?"

"And what exactly do you mean by that?"

"Exactly what you presume it to be."

It was never my intention to do so, but I hit her exactly where it hurt. "Oh, so this is how it is now? Remind me again who initiated this?"

It was, of course, a mistake to assume that that was going to end it all. Even when the expression she had showed how much the words had affected her, Vera Stone wasn't someone who backed down from a fight. I had to learn the hard way. "Right. And that was a big mistake."

The sting that the words induced silenced the entire room except for the ringing in my ears. They were not from bad magic, but from my entire being shutting down. This was what I did not expect at all: how hurt I would be, the pain I felt.

As the leader of the Knights, I was not supposed to concede in any way, shape, or form. And particularly not to the Grand Magus of The Order. But that night, I was not the group's leader. I had bared myself enough in that whatever-it-was that I could not possibly think of myself as a Knight at that moment. I was just a man standing in front of a woman. So I decided to act in favor of that man. "Okay. I think... we need a few moments to breathe and calm down. We're both adults, I'm sure we could talk without resorting to the defensive."

I was willing to initiate the first step in hopes of her being willing to take the next with me. Thank goodness for optimistic expectations. "So, you want to continue our very calm discussion?" I especially emphasized the last three words.

She hesitated the whole time, at some point, surrendering due to her inability to articulate and instead focused her energy on staring at me. I liked to take her reluctance as a sign that she was trying in her way.

I grabbed the opportunity to explain myself. "Just to be clear, I am not my hide. As I live and breathe, so does Tundra. His thoughts, memories, and experiences- they are both separate and a part of me. He is a part of me, but I am not him. He doesn't make any decisions for me. Especially not ones I make for purely selfish reasons."

She arched an eyebrow at me, uncertain of the meaning behind what I just said.

"No. Not that kind of selfish."

After what felt like forever of us exploring untested waters, I finally get the first positive reaction of the evening; Vera's mouth quirked up. It was not a huge grin or anything remotely close, but it was still something.

"So what you're implying is you're not-" She didn't dare fill in the blanks.

"No. Tundra could influence my decisions, but never my- my feelings." I couldn't help but choke. It was, after all, new for us to be this direct. "What I'm saying is, whatever and however I acted towards you, none of those were fabrications."

"Then why are you here?"

"Are you asking me why I'm attracted to you?" I playfully shrugged, glad that the tense atmosphere finally left the room. "Well, honestly, who isn't? You being the great tactical leader you are certainly was one of the biggest reasons in my case. But, you, even better than I do, understand that this thing between us, it's quite unexplainable."

And that's exactly how the first big fight ended. Well, that was not quite how the night ended. But that was just the first of many.