Specularis (The Order - Vermish)

5: come to me now, don't let me go

"Where the hell am I?

One second, I was face-to-face with a sixteen-year-old Vera, and the next, everything just disappeared, and there was nothing but... the den? "Hello? Is anybody there?"

"Hey, Mish." No. This cannot be possible. There was only one person who made fun of me that way and the last time I checked, she was dead.

"Cassie?" I was surely hallucinating. Wouldn't exactly be the first time.

"Got your call." She flashed me a smile I never in my life thought I would see again. It was sweet, playful; it was Cassie.

"This can't be real." The mere sight of her caused my heartbeat to quicken. The sound of it was amplifying to the point of everything seeming mute. Staring at her, it was as if feeling pain on a wound I thought healed a long time ago. This wound, despite the time that passed, was raw. There wasn't a band-aid to rip or scar tissue. Instead, there was still blood.

"Oh, it is. Have you heard of the Collective Unconscious?"

"Oh." Regardless of how her presence brought about a swirling tornado of emotions in me, I couldn't believe I haven't caught on instantly.

"Getting sloppy, huh? Remind me again, was it really a good idea to get three degrees in Philosophy?" She joked.

"Can't let mom and dad boss me around. You're really here. And what call?"

"The necrophone?" A few things flashed through my mind, but there was a specific memory I wasn't ready to face. So I chose not to.

"So was what I saw just a normal occurrence here?" She gawked at me questioningly. "I just invaded someone's memories. Even felt like I was there."

"Yeah, but you must have been thinking about her real hard to have done that." Her? How did she- "Oh, Hamish. I know everything. I see everything."

I obviously needed to get my mind out of the gutter, and by the reaction she had, I was quite certain she understood where my brain went. "No, not like that, you asshole. I would never do that. Gotta say, though. You definitely have a type. Brave, powerful, fiery, really confident."

I immediately lowered my gaze. "What? I'm not mad at you. You know that, right?"

"If you 'know everything' then why am I here?" I couldn't help it. No matter how long I've been wanting to have this, the realness of it all (and the finality ) overwhelmed me.

"You could ask Lilith that. But since she said she's giving us time to talk for a while, the short answer is your dead."

"Dea-"

"Shh. Hamish. You have blatantly changed topics for at least three times already, and we haven't been talking for more than ten minutes. Let me talk to you. This may be the only chance we get for a long time." She attempted to take one of my hands, but I turned away. Seeing her was one thing, touching her? I needed to be able to convince myself that I was dreaming all of this.

"What do you want me to say?"

"What you want to say."

The mere thought of that caused tears to brim my eyes. With my back still facing her, I decided to do as she requested. "What, you want me to admit that when you died, I've never felt so lonely in my whole life? Or how angry I was that you weren't careful even after I reminded you to be? Or the fact that I had so much guilt that I never got to tell you that I loved you? I thought you already knew that."

I could hear her release a breath that resembled relief. "I love you too, Hamish Duke. There's not a single day that I wish I didn't die. You see, being in here is like the sweetest torture anyone could ever have. I watched you as you grieved me, and there wasn't anything more punishing than that. But then, you started accepting. You started moving on and the conflict inside me- I didn't know whether to be happy or sad that you were finally letting me go. I witnessed every single moment of weakness and joy. When you inducted Lilith and Jack? When you almost died? The moment you realized you were developing real feelings for Vera?"