Specularis (The Order - Vermish)

7: you were the right way

"So, is Alyssa back?" I asked as soon as Vera returned finishing his business with Jack. She nodded. "I'm proud of you for making such a hard choice."

She stood by her doorway and remained silent, her stare on me so intense yet distracted. "So, you said later. Is later now?" The moment I nodded, she immediately placed herself on my lap after removing her heels.

The woman's face that I stared up to at that moment was amazing. It still surprised me how changed she was in such short a time. She was clearly more comfortable in this relationship now. I could not help but feel giddy about the fact despite the conversation that was due.

I thought through what I had to admit and sighed to prepare myself from the things I was unloading. "I'll start. I was unfair with you, I see that now. When I was in the Collective Unconscious, I saw Cassie and she made me realize so much about myself that I buried so deep. I was never quite over her or her death. It was easy to convince myself when I was pretending to live my life, but being face-to-face with her, actually being able to say goodbye, it opened up my eyes to reality. You are not going to be another Cassie, and expecting that of you even subconsciously, it wasn't right. Because I'm here with you, and that should be the only reason why I am here, and it is."

"With that said, I'm not saying that I'm not going to still be constantly afraid. In this world that we live in where everything is possible, the thought of losing you is one of the scariest possibility. I know I said we would never need to save each other or worry, but I don't think I'm ever going to stop worrying. I don't ever want to lose you."

Her smile indicated understanding. "I also apologize. My plan, though it was successful, was reckless. And how I handled it with you, I'm sorry for driving you mad. But after some hours of replaying every word you've told me to calm myself when you were gone, I still think you're wrong."

"And why is that?" With my head still tilted upwards, I leaned into her, the warmness of our breaths mingling.

"Because I know for a fact that you have saved me." The words have rendered me speechless. I was unable to act properly, and no words were formed, so I shook my head in confusion. "You made something dead feel something so real. And if that isn't saving then I don't know what is. You brought back the me in myself. You save me every single time you touch me- you look at me."

I was about to cry. She was right, but not just about me saving her because she's done the same for me. So much meaning in my life had been made the moment I realized that I was in love with this woman. And I had all the intention to confess it right then and there. "When something so good is right in front of me who am I to refuse? Vera, don't be alarmed with what I'm about to tell you next. I love you."

The reaction she had seemed like she was overwhelmed. I felt her heartbeat and breathing quicken. It was apparent she was contemplating her next move. Then she settled her head onto my shoulder, her mouth neared my ear, and whispered, "I love you too."

If she had not said it back, I wouldn't have cared. I would have waited. But hearing her direct those words to me, it caused me to release a breath I never noticed I was holding. I immediately grabbed her head and closed the distance between us, kissing her to make her feel just how great she makes me feel.

When we pulled away for air, I took a long time to just take in the woman right in front of me. She was amazing, beautiful, and she deserved the truth. There it was, the feeling that ate at me ever since I was forced to watch that specific scene in her past; guilt. I was trying to find the right time to tell her, but every time I thought I was ready, I was uneasy with what her attitude was going to be. "Vera?"

She raised her eyebrows at me. "About the Collective Unconscious, I've told you some things, but not everything."

"Go on." She stared at me with concern.