Specularis (The Order - Vermish)

10 part 2: when I dream of dying

Vera

As I relentlessly scoured the reliquary for a book, a title that could possibly help me figure out what was going to happen to me, it drained me. Never in my life have I felt so desperate to live, because not once did I fear death until now. It was habitual for me to expect the worst. It's easier to do so, and it's the most obvious option. Perhaps no book in the world could cure me.

But when I close my eyes and think of giving up, his face appears. The necromancer was right. He was my reason to live, and I made him a promise. I would read every single book in every language I know just to keep that promise.

An hour or two passed and still- nothing. Regardless, I was deep in thought and absorbed with constructing a plan when a voice sobered me up from my trance. "Grand Magus."

It was Mr. Morton's calling muffled behind the door. I instantly granted him entry. His face greeted me with a sheepish expression. "Mr. Morton, you have something on your mind?"

Gazing upon the dozens of piles of books on the floor, it morphed his reaction into one of puzzlement. "Woah, what's all this?"

I dismissed his suspicions. "Research. What are you doing here? You're not with Hamish?"

"Why would I be with Hamish?" His eyes still scanning the mess on the floor.

I guess not all of them are invited. "Uh, I have a feeling you're going to get a call about that later."

"Okay?" He bent down to pick up some of the books on the floor. "What are you researching for?"

"Mr. Morton," I called out, aware of his attempts to delay his intentions.

"Fine, you caught me. I was stalling." He shamefully admitted. "I'm here to talk about Alyssa."

"What about Ms. Drake?"

"Is there any chance you could induct her again?"

I choked in surprise. "Jack- you know I can't do that."

His nods were quick and submissive. "No, I- I understand. I thought I'd give it a shot. It's- it scares me how many people want her gone. I just want to assure her safety, that's all."

And that's how Hamish must feel. The realization not only made me empathize with Jack but increased the guilt that was building up inside me. "I'm sorry."

"Really, Vera. I get it. Given the risks, for everyone, and considering what you've already done for her and me, you've done enough. Thank you anyway. Especially for not telling anyone about Alyssa being resurrected or about Praxis's attack."

I released a heavy sigh. "I'm in so much trouble, I know."

"I'm sorry for being part of the problem."

I had to disagree with that. "No, Mr. Morton. Quite the opposite. You're one of the reasons why I recognized I needed to be better. So thank you."

It was seconds of quiet before Jack recollected something. "Vera, about the necromancer, what did she tell you? Hamish texted, and he's really worried."

"It's nothing-" I was cut off by the sound of the door opening.

"Nothing? Lies." The necromancer defied.

"Do you always have to open the door unannounced?" Rolling my eyes, I scoffed at her.

"What can I say, it's more compelling that way." She grinned at me smugly. Her head immediately tilted to Jack, signaling his need to leave the room.

"Mr. Morton." I nodded at him to dismiss him.

"I'll go." He walked towards the exit, but his eyes remained on me, gauging my expression. I shook my head to convey that I was fine on my own.

After he left, I turned my gaze back to the woman who so loves barging in.

"Back for your necrophone?" I taunted.

"Still not giving in?"

"You can answer that yourself with your amazing prophetic predictions."

"Ah, what a terrible skeptic you are Vera. You really ought to be more open to every possibility. That's how I live my life." Her tone was evidently admonitory.

I held my head high. "Don't be too offended, but I don't think that's much of reassurance since your life is a mess."

"I'd argue yours is, too. Especially after you receive the next phone call." There goes another foresight. "But I'm not here to be difficult with you. I'm here to warn you."

"Warn me? Oh, here we are again. I told you, I'm not giving you anything."

"And I'm telling you that I couldn't care less about that. There is a serious threat to your life. Be careful with how you use your powers next." The intensity of her earnestness appalled me, but I promptly recovered.

"Oh, I know it is. Serious question, is that threat going to be you? Are you afraid I'm going to kill you? Is that what you saw in your vision? Because if it is, there's no need for that. I don't waste my time on pests." And with that, her usual behavior was back again.

"Very humble of you, thinking you're more powerful than I am. But this is not about me. This is about you and what could happen to you if you don't believe me."

I never concede, but right now, there's too much exhaustion in my body. This constant cycle of it's-true-not-true with her was wearing me out that I just had to. Even if it's not all the way. "Let's say I'm considering this as a possibility, which I'm still far from doing so, what is going to happen exactly?"

"Once you release a great amount of your magic, the toll on your body is going to be bad enough that it may kill you on the spot."

It was proving to be more and more difficult to control myself when in dispute with this woman. My eye was twitching for a full second before I caught myself and turned my back to her. "Is there any way to fact-check all this? Or do you think I'm stupid enough to fall for your scare tactics?"

"No, but you're definitely headstrong enough to not heed warnings and drive yourself to your own destruction." Her voice was amplifying with every step she took towards me.

I spun around to face her again, confident that I showed no emotion. "Ms. Marand, this has been... a  very  stimulating confrontation, but I'm still not buying your bullshit."

"Then I'm sorry for you, Grand Magus." Her hand came into contact with my elbow.

"Don't you fucking touch me."

She backed away slightly, but her expression did not resemble regret. "Oh, forgive me. Open the door for me, will you?"

Once her request was made, it revealed a startled Mr. Carpio. "Is Jack here?" He trailed off. The necromancer laughed at his failed efforts and marched away.

"How much of that did you eavesdrop on?" He feigned offense to my accusation. "Oh, please. None of you wolves are subtle when it comes to these things."

"You have to tell him."

I snorted at that. "I thought you'd be quite glad to hear that I might die."

"Oh, please." He mimicked. "I don't hold grudges. At least not as much as you think I do."

"Hamish... he cares about you a lot. And although I could never wrap my head around that, I never want to see him the way he was when Cassie died. So even if I would have wanted this before, don't die."

"You're a good man, Mr. Carpio."

"Duh. I wouldn't be a med student if I wasn't." He joked. "Also, part of being a good man is to be honest, and I have to admit, I know you know she's telling the truth."

"I'm considering it."

Moments passed with Mr. Carpio averting his gaze until he finally uttered his sentiments. "Okay. I have to go. This is getting kinda awkward now."

A chuckle left my mouth at the total ridiculousness of the man. But then I looked around, and I was all alone again. Being by myself during a time like this, it was scary. Thought upon thoughts upon thoughts. I don't want this to be real, but I don't know what to do anymore. And then the phone call does arrive.

"I have really bad news." Those words might have just been enough to break me.