✔︎ | 𝗯𝗼𝗿𝗻 𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝗽𝗼𝘁𝗹𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁, noah schnapp

xv.

𝗖𝗛𝗔𝗣𝗧𝗘𝗥 𝗙𝗜𝗙𝗧𝗘𝗘𝗡

𝗬𝗢𝗨 𝗪𝗘𝗥𝗘 𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗥𝗘, 𝗜𝗡 𝗠𝗬 𝗛𝗔𝗣𝗣𝗬 𝗣𝗟𝗔𝗖𝗘.

☀︎︎

I can see him standing in the corner as millie and i are doing our scenes. i can tell hes studying us. trying to learn how we do it. for me, acting is kind of something that comes naturally, well, with my mom and all. at this point, i really dont have to even think, the words just come out. not sure about millie though.

"hey millie!" i run to catch up with her after filming. "yeah?" "do you and sadie wanna comeover tonight?" i ask her. "of course!" she responds, "sadie already left, so let me text her." she pulls out her phone and sends a quick text. moments later, she gets a response. "sadies in! what time?" "whenever, really. how about an hour?" i tell her. "okay! see you then!" with that, she walks away. wow, this will be the first time im hanging out with just them two. this is good right? being friends with other people. i have tried, to make friends before. they just ended up leaving. so, thats when i gave up. i only had one true friend from there on out, alexis. but its different now, i dont just have one friend. millie, sadie, natalia, caleb, gaten, joe, finn, they are all my friends. noah doesnt fit that list though. hes different, maybe fitting along the lines of a best friend, or- no, hes more of a rock. one of the main things holding me down, not in a bad way, like a good way. i seriously dont even know how to explain it.

     knocks come from the front door. i turn off the tv and head over to answer it. "sadie! millie!" i practically yell. "hi gemma!" they respond. i gesture for them to come inside, and they do.

(an: talking code! underline - gemma bold - sadie italics - millie regular - thoughts.)

     wow. yeah, its something. they are looking at my room, i guess they really like it. personally, its not really my style. the light grey paint, white bed, blush colored flowy curtains, blush comforter, white dresser, basically you could say my room is um, not me at all. its more fit for uh- someone the exact opposite of me. i can see that, its not really you. will your mom let you re-do it? yeah, ill ask her when she gets home. when is that? it seems like shes never here. how can she tell? i remember the kitchen, stocked with snack food. im not sure. we sit on my bed. sadie tries to change the subject. so, how do you like the stranger things set? well, and the cast of course. she jokes. i laugh, i love you guys! its so much fun working with you all. ok! enough of the chit chat. gemma! you and noah have to kiss!? oh god, i forgot about that. mhm. so, have you guys talked about it? no. and i intend on keeping it that way. just be careful, gemma. be careful? yeah. something could change between you two. like what? you could realize that you like him. okay, but why dont i have to be worried about him realizing he likes me? well, uh- she glances at sadie. you do. i dont really know how to explain it. youve kissed a guy before right? i nod. okay, have you ever been friends with him after? well, no. but this is different. i-its just a stage kiss. its not real. still. why are you guys making it such a big deal? we are just warning you. look, i can handle myself. ive been doing it since birth. we understand that now, this is about more than you kissing noah, gemma! i want you to know that even when the sun sets, ill still be here! both of us. im frozen. he said that to me. my eyes start to water as i remember the last words my father said to me.

(an: trigger warning!)

(flashback)

"daddy? where are you going?"

he grabs his suitcases. "just on vacation, sweetie."

"when will you be back?"

"soon, but gemma,

i want you to know that even when the sun sets, ill still be here"

"be where daddy?"

he points to my chest. "right there."

(end of flashback)

    i can feel tears spilling down my face, soaking my skin. gemma? are you okay? i open my mouth to speak, but no words come out. noah? w-we need your help! gemma is crying and cant respond to us. we think shes having a panic attack! i open my mouth again, to scream, to get something out, but nothing happens. i can barely breathe, i can feel myself shaking, and im starting to hyperventilate. gemma, calm down! its okay, were here! noah, just come quick! stop shaking! millie! stop! im calling an ambulance! no! not for panic attacks! we have to try and calm her down! deep breaths! in and out! i try to steady my breath, but i cant. gemma! deep breaths! try to focus on calming down! i cant. i cant. i cant. i cant! "gemma!" hes here. "gemma! its me, noah! okay listen, we are gonna count to ten, ready?" i try to nod my head. "1.      2.     3.      4.     5.      6.      7.      8.      9.      10." i really focus on trying to steady my breathing. "its okay, these dont last forever! okay, think of your happy place!" i shut my eyes tightly and imagine my happy place. its the forest. in the middle of it, is a man. i believe its my father, but as i approach him, its noah. hes just sitting, sipping lemonade. a dog lies next to him, its a small back and white dog. thats when i open my eyes. "there you go, deep breaths, gemma." i listen to noah, taking extremely deep breaths. after a couple of minutes, i feel alot better. you were there. "what?" you were there, in my happy place."

     its been hours since it happened. i-uh never really said thanks. "your welcome, gemma." he responds. if you dont mind me asking, where did you learn that? "learn how to stop panic attacks? well, sometimes my sister gets them, shes not really sure why, but it happens." millie and sadie were nowhere in sight. w-where did they go? "just to get some snacks." oh, okay. "so i was there? in you happy place?" yeah. "what was i doing?" drinking lemonade. "drinking lemonade?" and, petting a dog. "thats your happy place?" seems like it, ive never actually tried to go to my happy place before, so i wasnt sure what to expect. "yeah, ive never been either. um, is it okay if i ask how it happened?" m-millie uh reminded me of my father, and his last words to me. "he means alot to you, i get it." yeah, he did. "not anymore?" im not sure. back then i was this innocent child, whos dad left them at age 9. i suppose 9 isnt that young, but still. its like now, when i think of him, im not sad. i guess i dont really feel anything. its just sort of numb. "but the panic attack?" im not sure, i just havent heard those words since uh- him. "its okay, gemma." whats okay? "its okay to be vulnerable! its okay to show your emotions. its okay to feel." ill work on it. "ill take it." with that, he pulls me into a hug. this is one of the many reasons, that noah is my rock.

AUTHORS NOTE: hi! i realize this chapter was a tad dark. i just felt like this needed to happen, like something needed to happen, for gemma to realize that she isnt okay, but in time, things can change.

word count: 1310