THROUGH THE NIGHT (MEWGULF)

34: Take a leap

GULF'S POV

"Gulf! Breakfast!", I woke up hearing Auntie shout from outside my bedroom. I covered myself with my blanket to shut her voice out. I usually skip my morning meal. So I don't know why she still keeps asking me to eat breakfast with her everyday.

I just want to sleep until noon and do nothing the whole day until I have to sleep again at night. I'll only eat when my stomach starts to hurt and I'll only shower when I really have to.

That's exactly what I've been doing for the past two weeks now.

Obviously, this isn't a healthy routine, but I don't have the energy or motivation to actually do other stuff. My body feels so heavy all the time. Most times I just stay here in my room and stare at the ceiling, waiting for time to pass by. Other times when I help with the house chores, I would get tired easily for no reason so I just end up back in my room again.

I heard the door open and suddenly my blanket was pulled away from me. I opened my eyes and saw Auntie with an annoyed look on her face.

"How many times do I have to tell you that you shouldn't miss breakfast?", she complained. "Do I really have to wake you up like this every time?".

I sat up and rubbed my eyes. "I'm sorry. I'll go out in a while".

"No! Get up now and eat!", she pulled me, forcing me out of bed. "You've gone so skinny!". She didn't let me go until I sat down on the dining table. She poured me a glass of juice and sat beside me.

I stared at my food and it looked good but I didn't feel like touching it. Auntie was waiting for me to start eating. I tried to take a bite but because I had no appetite, it didn't taste like anything. I mindlessly kept shoving everything in my mouth just so I could finish my plate.

"Gulf. Starting today I want you to help me at the flower shop".

"Okay".

"What did your school say about taking a leave of absence? You have to settle the paperwork soon, okay?".

"Mmm".

"And try to not skip meals anymore. Please?".

"Yeah".

She suddenly groaned out loud. I looked at her and she had her face in her hands. "Gulf, can you stop giving me one-worded answers?". She sighed, "Can you talk to me like a normal person?".

"I'm sorry". I know she was starting to get frustrated with me. "I'll work at the store and I'll call my department's office later. And, I'll try to eat more from now on".

"Gulf it's not that I'm forcing you to do all of these things, alright? I just want you to get back to your usual self. I want to help you, but honestly, I'm not sure how. I hate seeing you so down all the time. I feel like this is the worst state you've ever been in".

To be fair, she was sort of right. I've never felt this low before. During that time two years ago, I would still talk to people and eat regularly somehow. But now, I feel so different. I don't feel like I'm living anymore; just existing.

"I'll try to take care of myself better", I promised.

"Gulf, I hope you don't get mad that I'm going to say this but...", she exhaled before continuing her words, "...I think the reason why you're being this way is because you miss him".

"Auntie, I don't––"

"Hear me out first. You pushed yourself away from Mew because you think that being with him will only cause him more pain. But, what about you? Did you ever think about what this would do to you? Do you think your decision helped you at all? Clearly you're not happy with the way things are right now", she turned to face me, looking me straight in the eyes. "And the fact that Mew came all the way here to apologize and ask you for a second chance; it's obvious that it's more painful for him to not have you by his side".

Her words struck me. I didn't think of it that way. Was I really causing him more pain? "But, this is what's best for him...".

"And how are you so sure of that?", she raised her voice louder. "You can't make all these decisions for him on your own, Gulf. Relationships don't work like that. He wants to be with you and I know you do too. Right now I think you're just afraid that things might not work out again, but why not just take a leap of faith and actually follow what your heart wants?".

"I don't have the guts to", I admitted. "After everything I said, what if he's already given up on me? I'm no stranger to people leaving me behind anyway, so how am I supposed to know things will work out this time?".

The truth is I was afraid that if I go to Mew, he might not give me another chance; because that's what I did to him. I've done so many hurtful things. What if he's already tired of putting up with me? I haven't heard from him since the last time we saw each other. He never visited again, mainly because I said so, but what if he has already realized that we're not cut out to be together? What if he decided that it was really time to let things go?

"You won't ever know what he's thinking if you don't ask, Gulf".

–––––––––––––––

The flower shop wasn't that busy today. It's already three in the afternoon and there hasn't been many people going in since noon. Auntie's at the back room arranging bouquets for delivery. I've been manning the cash register so I've just been sitting here watching people pass by outside the store.

It's pretty interesting how you see all these people walking by and you have no idea who they are. It makes you wonder about their lives, like what kind of stuff do they have to deal with everyday or what problems do they have to face. Would they be as heavy as mine?

I was getting bored already when someone caught my eye. A familiar figure just passed by but I didn't get a good look of his face. Wait. Was that Mew? I instantly stood up at the thought of him being here.

I ran to the door and peeked outside where he was headed. I saw the back of his head and it seemed like it was actually him. Without thinking at all, I ran in his direction. He was walking pretty fast, but I could still see the top of his head. I bumped into a few people before finally catching up. I grabbed his arm, spinning him around to face me.

I was greeted by a complete stranger in shock. "What the hell is your problem, man?!".

"Sorry. I thought you were someone else". I stood there frozen in place as the rest of the people on the crowded sidewalk passed by.

Suddenly, my heart was racing. I don't know what got over me. I felt an exhilarating feeling from what I just did. Something just ignited in me and I'm not sure what it is. 

It wouldn't sink in that I was actually going to run after Mew. After everything that I did, pushing him away and all, I still wanted to see him. I still wanted to be with him. 

Should I just do it? Should I take a leap of faith? 

But, the thought of actually facing him scares me. I'm scared I might face rejection instead of the result I'm hoping for. What if he doesn't want to see me? I still love him but the question is...does he still love me?